Battlefield Promotion

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen sits at the console, watching the screen. David is nowhere to be found, and she's clearly stressed as the show begins.

SHOW VIEW

ANNOUNCER

(unseen)

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Show Programming's Self Help Television. And now our host, Katherine Steel.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

MIKEY

I don't think he's coming, Karen. Should I cue Kat?

KAREN

Yes, yes. Just do it! Damn him! Where is he?

SHOW VIEW

The graphics give way to a traditional news desk shot of Katherine, who looks up from the papers she's holding as she speaks.

KATHERINE

Good evening, and welcome to Self Help Television...

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

MIKEY

Uh, Karen?

KAREN

(snappishly)

Yes, Mikey. What?

MIKEY

I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong?

Karen relaxes for a moment, realizing she's taking her stress out on the innocent.

KAREN

No, I'm sorry, Mikey. It's just that he's never missed a show before, and we're live. What are we going to do?

MIKEY

That's what I was going to say. I know you're kinda stressed out at the moment, but we've done this hundreds of times. You know what to do. Hang on, cueing Melissa's segment... and...

SHOW VIEW

The screen transitions from Katherine at her desk to Melissa's segment.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

MIKEY

Okay, we should be good for a couple of minutes. So, you know how you're always saying that you want to be a director some day?

KAREN

Not with a gun to my head I don't!

MIKEY

Perhaps you're a bit unclear on the job description.

Opening credits.

MIKEY

Anyway, now's your chance to show what you can do. Looks like it's your show tonight, boss.

KAREN

Don't call me that.

MIKEY

Sure thing, chief.

As Karen and Mikey are talking, Karen's cell phone, which is sitting on the console close at hand, begins to ring. She recognizes the call as David.

KAREN

Have you lost your mind? Did you get kidnapped by Gypsies? Where the hell are you?

DAVID

(calm, relaxed and jovial)

Oh, hey, Karen. So how's the show going so far?

KAREN

How's the show going? How do you think? I have the Blue Angels flying the missing man formation over the studio, that's how the show's going!

DAVID

You know, if you really want to be a director, you're going to have to work on your stress level. It's really no good for you.

KAREN

Stress. Right. Can't imagine why I would have any. David, what's going on? Did you get fired again?

DAVID

No, no, nothing like that. In fact, I'm just out doing a bit of recon for us.

In the background there's the muted sound of a band as a nearby waitress is heard asking what he'll have to drink.

KAREN

Are you out getting drunk? David, we have a show to do. Do you really think this is the time? Hold on a minute. Mikey, ready... and back to Kat... now.

MIKEY

Right there with you, chief.

KAREN

I think I liked boss better.

DAVID

I'm gone one day and already you're stealing my job? Am I still going to have a parking space when I get back?

KAREN

What you should have when you get back is a swift kick in the job responsibilities.

DAVID

Well, that certainly sounds unpleasant.

KAREN

Why did you ditch work to go out drinking? Do you really think we're a lost cause? And if we're not, how is leaving the show without a director going to help us? We screw up enough as it is.

DAVID

First of all, I didn't leave us without a director. I left us in the very capable hands of our assistant director, who knows this show backwards and forwards.

KAREN

Assistant director?

DAVID

Okay, so I've never gotten around to giving you an official job title before. Well, now you have one.

KAREN

So now I'm the assistant director?

DAVID

You always have been. So relax, you and Mikey know exactly what to do.

KAREN

Right. And while we're trying to keep the wheels on the wagon, you're out playing hooky?

DAVID

I'm not playing hooky. I'm working.

KAREN

Right. Be sure to order a scotch and water for me, too.

DAVID

All part of the job. Did you notice anything different about the show intro tonight?

KAREN

I noticed that I was sitting next to an empty chair.

DAVID

Think, now. What did you hear the announcer say? Or not say.

KAREN

Hmmm. He announced the show, brought to you by your favorite monster media corporation, Show Programming...

DAVID

And?

KAREN

Oh my god. And nothing. David, we have no sponsor?

DAVID

Hang on a minute.

The sound is muffled slightly as David pulls the phone from his ear.

DAVID

Hey, Jimmy, how you doing? And this must be Albert. Good to meet you. Hang on a second, let me wrap this up.

KAREN

David? Is that Jimmy? Are you out drinking with my husband? What's next, going out for hookers?

DAVID

Sorry 'bout that. Correct, we have no advertisers. For tonight's show, at least. But Jimmy and I are meeting with a potential sponsor as we speak. I'll tell Jimmy that you're okay with the hooker idea. Have a good show!

KAREN

David! Wait!

Karen stares in disbelief at the phone as the show plays in the background.

MIKEY

Uh, Karen? We don't have a commercial to cut to. What should I do?

KAREN

Just great. Whiskey, loud music, my husband, a sponsor and our psychotic director. What could possibly go wrong?

MIKEY

Huh?

KAREN

He was joking about the hookers, right?

MIKEY

Hookers? Uh, Karen? No commercial?

Karen snaps back to reality and realizes they have a minute of dead air to fill.

KAREN

Crap. Right. No commercial. Mikey, give me a four way.

MIKEY

You got it.

The monitor splits to the four way view displaying each host. As Melissa continues with her segment, all the others are sitting with a bored look except for Katherine, who appears to be miming a news broadcast with great enthusiasm. Karen hits the Talk button.

KAREN

Eddie, are you listening?

EDDIE

Yeah. Something about whiskey and hookers, right? Listen, can you save me a seat?

KAREN

(barks)

Pipe down and listen up.

EDDIE

(taken aback)

Uh, okay.

KAREN

We don't have a sponsor for tonight. I assume you have a few things to sell?

EDDIE

No, honest, tell David I'm not selling anything tonight. I'll be good. Really.

KAREN

I don't have time for this. Grab one of your products. You've got a one minute slot coming up in 10 seconds.

EDDIE

Is this a joke? Are you trying to get me in trouble? And where's David?

KAREN

8, 7, 6... Mikey, get ready to cut to Eddie.

EDDIE

Wait! Give me a second!

From out of nowhere Eddie reaches down and produces a product that was obviously already at hand.

KAREN

3, 2, 1... Mikey, now!

The show cuts to Eddie's segment with him mostly poised and prepared, product in hand. A lock of hair has fallen over his face from bending over, which he deftly brushes aside as he launches into his pitch.

SHOW VIEW

EDDIE

Have you ever wondered why the it's always the other guy who gets the big promotion at your office?

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Given a brief reprieve, Karen collapses back into her chair and takes a deep breath.

KAREN

Well done, Mikey.

MIKEY

Thanks, boss.

KAREN

He makes this look so easy. How does he deal with this kind of stress every night?

MIKEY

I think it has to do with kickboxing.

KAREN

He trains in the martial arts?

MIKEY

No, after the show he goes back into the warehouse, has a drink with some of the guys on the night shift and kicks the crap out of a few cardboard boxes. He says it's great for relieving stress.

KAREN

The booze or the boxes?

MIKEY

He's never been clear on that.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A girl reclines on her couch, watching the show on a pad. She calls to her husband in the other room.

VIEWER3

Honey?

HUSBAND

Yeah?

VIEWER3

You know how you keep getting screwed out of those promotions? I need your credit card.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen has recovered her composure and is now working the show, if a bit tensely.

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, give me the four way and let's cue up Lava Man for his... Oh my god!

MIKEY

What?

KAREN

Is that plastic explosives that he's holding?