Blackmail

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT.

Karen and David are sitting at the console talking. Karen is somewhere between livid and disbelief. The monitor is on 4 way as the cast gathers for the pre show.

KAREN

Are you kidding me? How can this be? Did you double check the numbers? I just don't believe this!

DAVID

Easy there, killer. It's not as bad as all that.

KAREN

Not as bad as all that? Did you fall on your head? Did someone drop a piano on you? What do you mean it's not as bad as all that?

DAVID

We're going to be fine, don't worry about it.

KAREN

How can you say that? This is the last week of the show and she's telling us that we've only raised a quarter of the revenue we needed? With all those donations, I just don't see how that's possible. How much money did we need to raise, anyway? Are we paying off the national debt? Buying a small third world country, perhaps?

DAVID

We've actually seen a couple of really good offers on third world countries lately, but it's just not the sort of thing we want to invest in at the moment.

Opening credits.

KAREN

Why do you always make jokes about these things? This is serious!

DAVID

I make jokes because I'd like to live for another fifty years or so. At the rate you're going, you'll be dead of a heart attack before Christmas. Lighten up, will you? I said I had it covered.

Karen takes a deep breath and consciously tries to relax. Under her breath, she chants a mantra.

KAREN

I am peaceful and calm like a clear spring day. I am peaceful and calm like a clear spring day...

DAVID

Peaceful and calm? Don't tell me you've actually been listening to Melissa's segments. I love you guys, but you know she's as wacky as a Bugs Bunny cartoon, right?

KAREN

Hey, I'll take my tranquility wherever I can get it. Especially since I still can't find where you hide the whiskey around this place.

DAVID

By the way, with all the excitement, I almost forgot to ask. Who's ahead in the rankings?

KAREN

The rankings?

DAVID

Yeah, you know, that little thing where viewers vote on the show and tell us who to kick off the island for next season? You do remember the show we're producing, right?

KAREN

Oh. That. Yeah, it's a bit of a surprise. Melissa is first, Eddie second. I would have thought it the other way around given how good he is at selling things.

DAVID

Actually, that may be what worked against him. People aren't as stupid as he thinks. Well, usually.

KAREN

Lava Man running last is no surprise, though. I mean, everybody loves to see him blow things up, but in terms of self help, his power of fire thing doesn't seem to be much more than an excuse for buying high explosives. By the way, how does he manage that, anyway. Isn't most of the stuff he gets illegal?

DAVID

You know, one of the things you're going to have to learn if you want to succeed as a director is to avoid asking questions when you really don't want to hear the answer.

KAREN

That's an excellent point. Forget I asked.

DAVID

Of course, you also have to question the wisdom of voting the guy with the most explosives off the island.

KAREN

If we even have an island after next week.

DAVID

Fortunately, nobody's getting kicked out this year.

KAREN

Huh? I thought that was the whole point of the show.

DAVID

That's just a vehicle for entertainment. The value of the show, believe it or not, is our hosts. We'll do some razzle dazzle to justify it, of course, like a three way tie or something. But with all that's going on we just don't need the churn of trying to cast someone new for next year.

KAREN

But what about the voting numbers on the web site? How do we get around that?

DAVID

You know, you put far too much faith in numbers. They're not nearly as inflexible as you think.

David reaches over to press the Talk button.

DAVID

Mikey, you have everything ready?

MIKEY

Ready, boss. And nice to have you back.

DAVID

Man, you spend just a little time out of the office...

DAVID

Okay, boys and girls, ready for our season finale?

On the monitor, everyone looks glum with the exception of Katherine, who seems rather pleased with himself.

DAVID

Hey, why the long faces? You guys would rather have Karen? I can always go back to the Pink Pussycat.

MELISSA

It's just sad to see the show end like this. Karen told us that we only have a quarter of the money we needed to keep from getting cancelled.

DAVID

Karen told you that, did she?

David lifts his finger from the Talk button and gives a sidelong look to Karen.

DAVID

Bad director!

Pressing the Talk button again, David continues.

DAVID

What, and you think that's it? You guys forget who you're dealing with here.

EDDIE

I've seen you make the numbers dance before, but 75% is a pretty big rabbit to pull out of that ratty brown fedora of yours.

DAVID

Hey, leave my hat out of this! It's a collector's item.

LAVA MAN

From what, Raiders of the Lost Spark? That thing looks like you got it at a fire sale.

In spite of themselves, everyone lets out a nervous laughter.

DAVID

There, that's more like it. So, you figure that the show is going to be cancelled and therefore everybody is all gloom and doom. Except, wait, what's this? Our stalwart anchorwoman is almost smiling. How can this be? Katherine, do you have your new segment prepared?

KATHERINE

Yes, sir, that I do.

KAREN

She has another new segment?

DAVID

You really need to stay in the loop more. Maybe if you didn't spend so much time searching for lost treasure.

(beat)

By the way, under the bathroom sink.

KAREN

What?

DAVID

I keep the booze under the bathroom sink. It's cooler there. Mikey didn't tell you?

KAREN

Mikey, you rat!

The video door opens slightly and Mikey pokes her head out, smiling. She looks first at Karen, then at David.

MIKEY

Who says I can't keep a secret?

Karen stands up and Mikey dives back into her room and closes the door.

KAREN

You better run!

(beat)

Hang on, I'll be right back.

Karen gets up and walks to the bathroom and opens the cabinet under the sink. Sure enough, there are several bottles of liquor. She grabs one along with a couple of shot glasses, pours two drinks and stomps back to the console.

DAVID

Tequila?

KAREN

Damn right. And it better be the good stuff.

Karen motions for David to take one. He raises his glass in a toast.

DAVID

Now you're thinking like a director.

Karen makes an annoyed face and they both down their shots. David glances at the Talk button and then back to Karen.

DAVID

You've been driving the train for most of this season. Care to take us home?

KAREN

With pleasure. I can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve this time.

DAVID

I think you're going to enjoy this.

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, bring us in. Everybody ready? In 5, 4, 3...

David and Karen speak at the same time.

DAVID / KAREN

Here we go again...

SHOW VIEW

ANNOUNCER

(unseen)

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Show Programming's Self Help Television, brought to you by our sponsor, Albertomatics, makers of that sensational new product that's sweeping the nation, Deep Sand. And now our host, Katherine Steel.

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, cue Kat.

The graphics give way to a traditional news desk shot of Katherine, who looks up from the papers she's holding as she speaks.

KATHERINE

Good evening, and welcome to Self Help Television, where we present advice from a variety of respected sources in the self improvement community.

And remember, we let you, the viewer, decide through your votes who will go and who will return for our next season. But first, a word from our sponsor.

The screen transitions to a commercial for Deep Sand. The commercial ends and the view returns to Katherine. In place of her usual background is a new set of segment graphics, titled, "New Age News with Katherine Steel." Katherine presents her most serious news anchor demeanor.

KATHERINE

Welcome back. In addition to the programming you know and love, today we have a new feature for you, New Age News, bringing timely and relevant information for those of you seeking a better life.

A stereotypical news jingle begins to play as Katherine shuffles her papers and the graphics behind her change to the Top Story.

KATHERINE

Today's top story is a cautionary tale, both shocking and educational. New Age News has learned that national product icon Albert Fox has been arrested today on several counts of fraud and tax evasion, as well as mining without a license, in relation to his best selling product, Deep Sand. More in a moment. But first, a word from our sponsor.

The jingle music returns as Katherine shuffles her papers officiously. The screen transitions to a Deep Sand commercial.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

David is leaning back, relaxed and hugely enjoying the moment as Karen looks on, shocked. David leans over to the Talk button and presses it.

DAVID

Ready, Mikey?

MIKEY

Already done. Your phone should be ringing any moment now.

David looks at Karen and then nods at the board.

DAVID

Mute that, would you? I don't want you to miss this.

Karen looks quizzically at David and hits the mute button, cutting the audio from the show, while David leans back and looks expectantly at his cell phone, which is sitting on the console.

DAVID

Wait for it...

As if on cue, the cell phone rings with the familiar tone of, "Alert... alert... alert..." Karen looks at the phone with trepidation.

KAREN

You want me to get that?

DAVID

No, thanks. I've been looking forward to this all day. Let's do this on speaker phone.

David presses the button answers the phone in a bright and cheerful tone.

DAVID

This is David.

MELANIE

I don't know how you pulled this off, but you did it.

DAVID

I need to hear it in so many words.

MELANIE

Fine. Congratulations. You're renewed for next season.

KAREN

What? Oh my god!

DAVID

Down, girl. We have work to do. Hang on one second.

David presses the Talk button.

DAVID

Mikey?

MIKEY

Yes, boss?

DAVID

Signal Kat. It's option two.

MIKEY

Got a runner heading around the corner to the set as we speak. Stand by.

David sits back and smiles while Karen looks on in wonder.

KAREN

Option two?

DAVID

Anybody want to hum the theme to a popular game show while we wait?

MELANIE

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

DAVID

You have no idea.

Katherine looks up from her papers, first off camera to the side and then back to the camera as she gives what appears to be a covert nod.

DAVID

Karen, bring the volume up a bit, would you?

KAREN

Sure, no problem.

Karen reaches over to unmute the audio. Katherine is already in the middle of her coverage.

KATHERINE

...and in fact, it was Show Programming senior vice president Harvey Milton who discovered, and ultimately exposed, Mr. Fox's corruption. In a prepared statement, Mr. Milton said, "While it's embarrassing to discover that one of our sponsors was engaged in such a variety of illegal affairs, I felt I had no choice but to report his conduct to the authorities. We owe it to our viewers to be as..."

David waves his hand dismissively and turns back to Karen.

DAVID

Yeah, yeah. You can mute it now. I just wanted to make sure he was doing the right version.

Karen mutes the audio.

MELANIE

What do you mean, the right version?

KAREN

Yeah.

DAVID

Remember those friends in low places I told you about, Karen?

KAREN

I remember something about that, mixed in with the hookers and alcohol.

MELANIE

Hookers?

KAREN

Long story.

MELANIE

Right.

DAVID

Anyway, when Jimmy and I were setting up our deal with Albert, we knew that the VP wasn't exactly a straight shooter. That's one of the reasons we always got screwed for sponsors. He was doing a lot of under the table dealings and he was afraid his goody two shoes self help show wouldn't play ball. I showed him that he was wrong.

KAREN

You did what?

DAVID

I made sure that half the money Albert spent went to our numbers, and the other half went to the VP, in cash, brown paper bag style. He seemed to get a bit of satisfaction out of the fact that his little show of do-gooders was as corrupt as everyone else.

(beat)

The problem is, we've been tracking the whole thing. Audio, video, documents, the works.

MELANIE

You set him up?

DAVID

Like a bowling pin. We also knew Albert was a crook. The possibility exists that one of our people might have had a conversation with certain federal authorities. By the way, Karen, that's why the last round with the ATF went so well. The feds already knew we were working with them.

KAREN

You are a piece of work.

DAVID

Told you I had it under control, didn't I?

(beat)

So, we had two versions of Kat's story ready. What she's doing now if the VP played ball, the expose if he didn't.

MELANIE

Uh, David?

DAVID

Yes?

MELANIE

While you were cutting all your deals, did you happen to remember a certain loyal, dedicated producer who's always stood by you?

DAVID

Why yes, in fact, I did. And I almost had you set up for that executive washroom, too.

MELANIE

But?

DAVID

Even with his back against the wall, he was still a little prickly. Something about his prize Mercedes being caught in a bathroom blast. Sorry, looks like you're stuck with us next season.

MELANIE

(sighs)

Well, I suppose it could have been worse. And there's always next year.

DAVID

That's the spirit. Karen, shall we watch the show?

KAREN

Abso-freakin-lutely.

As Karen reaches to turn up the audio, they see that Lava Man is in his blowing things up segment. He's holding a letter and motioning to the cameraman as he speaks. David looks down at the cell phone.

DAVID

You watching?

MELANIE

I've got a bad feeling about this.

David and Karen watch the monitor as Lava Man continues.

LAVA MAN

So after that experience, our viewer really hated expensive German imports, but he just couldn't afford to buy one himself. Fortunately, I happen to know that there's a bright, shiny new Mercedes in the executive parking lot just next door.

He motions to the cameraman as he starts to walk off screen.

LAVA MAN

Now you normally wouldn't use grenades for this, but...