Cancelled

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen and David sit at the console. On the monitor, the evening's show is already in progress. While Karen keeps an eye on the mix, David is talking on his cell phone to the producer, MELANIE WRIGHT, who is less than amused.

MELANIE

Strippers. Otters. And the week before that, there was that little run in with the department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Are you trying to get me fired or just arrested?

Hearing Melanie shout from David's phone, Karen winces and casts a sidelong glance his direction.

DAVID

Look, the sex and nudity things were just isolated incidents, freak accidents. And as for the ATF, I told you, I have no idea how Lava Man got his hands on a case of grenades for that segment. I'm sure he was just trying to make a point. After all, he does talk about the power of fire.

MELANIE

Was one of his points that we need a better insurance policy? Or are you planning on repairing that bathroom yourself?

DAVID

It was only one grenade. Honestly, how much damage could it have caused?

MELANIE

Good question. As soon as your cameraman gets out of the hospital, let's ask him, shall we? And while you're at it, could you get him to sign something that says he's not going to sue us into oblivion?

Opening credits.

Karen glances at the monitor and reaches over to poke David on the arm.

KAREN

(whispers loudly)

Aren't you going to tell Mikey when to switch views?

David lowers his phone and looks at the monitor, then Karen.

DAVID

This is standard stuff. Mikey knows when to make the cuts. Right now I'm a little busy discussing grenades, bathrooms and lawyers. Carry on.

KAREN

(under her breath)

This is a bad idea...

David raises his phone back to his ear in time to hear Melanie's exclamation.

MELANIE

Mikey? Did I hear her say that you're letting Mikey run the show now? Are you sure that grenade didn't give you a lobotomy?

DAVID

Relax, Mikey's a pro.

MELANIE

Mikey is the one who cut to the stripper sans apparel. She's also the person responsible for certain otter related titles. And if I'm not mistaken, wasn't the whole "hey, let's use a grenade as a cherry bomb" notion another one of her bright ideas? I shouldn't fire you. I should fire her. No, wait, my mistake. I should fire you both! No wonder the network bumped you misfits to midnight.

David winces and glances up at the monitor.

FULL SCREEN - MELISSA'S SEGMENT

Melissa is in split screen, interviewing a woman shown on the second half. The lower third shows the question of the week, "How to land your dream job."

GUEST

(perky, enthusiatic)

It's so exciting to be on the show with you. I've read all your books. You're the best!

MELISSA

Thanks, that's so sweet of you. So tell me, how did you use the principles of divine benevolence to land your dream job?

GUEST

Well, I haven't exactly landed it just yet.

MELISSA

Uh...

GUEST

But I'm sure I will soon. Everything is going great!

MELISSA

(hesitantly)

Okay, so tell us about your approach.

GUEST

Sure! Every day since I got fired from my last job...

(beat)

And you know, I really don't think that east coast power failure was all my fault - they should really label those buttons better...

(beat)

Anyway, since then, I've been practicing meditation and visualization to find my dream job. Just like you say in your books!

MELISSA

(perking up)

So before you start looking at the help wanted ads, you visualize the perfect job. And then, before the interview, you meditate on success, tap into the cosmic power that connects us all and see it going exactly the way you want it to, right?

GUEST

Well, I haven't gone on any interviews yet.

MELISSA

You haven't? Why not?

GUEST

Nobody's called me.

MELISSA

(surprised)

Really? You mean nobody returns your calls when you answer the ads?

GUEST

Oh, I don't look at ads or make calls or stuff like that. I just meditate!

MELISSA

You're not calling employment agencies or looking at help wanted ads?

GUEST

Of course not, silly. I spend all day meditating the way you say in your books. I know if I keep at it, before long my phone will ring with my dream job just waiting for me.

(beat)

It's so exciting!

Not sure what to make of this Melissa is momentarily taken aback, but the recovers and quickly ushers her guest off before any other embarrassment occurs.

MELISSA

Right. Uh, exciting.

(beat)

Well, thanks for joining us today...

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

David shakes his head and looks away from the monitor, returning his attention to the phone call.

DAVID

About that, listen, I really think they should reconsider giving us our old time slot back. After all, we still have millions of viewers. We must be doing something right. People are fascinated.

MELANIE

People are fascinated with train wrecks too, but that doesn't make the conductor's job any more enjoyable. The only thing the network cares about is advertising revenue.

DAVID

(petulantly)

We have sponsors.

MELANIE

You have a revolving door of sponsors. We can't keep them for more than a show or two because you people scare the hell out of them.

DAVID

They're just not matching us up with the right kind of advertisers. I mean, really, bass fishing lures?

MELANIE

Have you forgotten that you work for a huge, gazillion dollar corporation? There's only one right kind of advertiser. The kind with money. And yours never stick around to make us any. That's why they're cancelling your show after this season.

DAVID

(loudly)

They're cancelling the show? Are you nuts?

MELANIE

It's just not profitable.

Karen looks over quickly with alarm.

KAREN

They're cancelling the show? Oh my god!

Karen starts to reach for the talk button but David stops her, motioning for her to hang on.

DAVID

Listen, we have millions of viewers. That's millions of eyeballs and ears times two. Or maybe four. I don't know. I was never very good at math. Or anatomy.

MELANIE

Eyes and ears don't get ambitious producers promoted to the executive suite. Money does. And your show isn't helping.

EDDIE'S SEGMENT

Like Melissa, Eddie is in split screen, interviewing a man shown on the second half. The lower third shows the question of the week.

EDDIE

And you say you just haven't had any luck landing your dream job?

GUEST

No, none at all. But I know if I'm persistent that sooner or later I'll get there, just like you say.

EDDIE

That's the spirit. So what kind of feedback have you been getting so far?

GUEST

Well, I keep trying to get interviews, but they always say I don't have the education or experience that they're looking for.

EDDIE

So what kind of job is it that you're going after?

GUEST

Neurosurgeon.

EDDIE

Brain surgery?

GUEST

Yeah. I think doing operations on people's brains would be so cool.

EDDIE

Yes, that is indeed one of the cooler careers. Where did you go to med school?

GUEST

Oh, I haven't been to med school.

EDDIE

You mean you haven't graduated yet?

GUEST

No, I haven't started.

EDDIE

So you're still in college, then, right?

GUEST

I didn't go to college. I dropped out of high school to play in a band, so college didn't seem to make much sense at the time.

EDDIE

You didn't graduate from high school?

GUEST

I got my GED though. It took me four tries but I stuck with it and believed in myself, just like you say in your DVDs, and eventually they passed me.

EDDIE

And now you're looking for a job as a neurosurgeon? Without college or med school? That could be a little difficult, you know.

GUEST

But it's like you say in your books, prosperity is really all about knowing how to market yourself, so I just need to get better at it, right?

There's a brief pause as Eddie's conscience makes a valiant effort to emerge and he considers saying something. However, the moment passes, and he reaches off camera and holds up the packaging for one of his training courses.

EDDIE

Absolutely. And I know just what you need. With this amazing DVD course, which happens to be on sale this week...

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

David turns to look at Karen, motioning to the monitor. Karen just shrugs. He gives up and turns his attention back to the phone.

DAVID

Okay, fine. I get it. The company wants money, you want a promotion. But we're getting screwed here. You may think we're misfits, but people love the show. It's those marketing guys who aren't getting it done. You should fire them, not us.

KAREN

Hey, easy there. I'm married to one of those marketing guys, and I don't want to be the only one paying the bills.

David pauses for a moment, struck with an idea. Motioning again for Karen to calm down, he returns to the phone call.

DAVID

Hang on, I've got an idea here. It's all about money, right?

MELANIE

Something about bears and the woods comes to mind.

DAVID

So if our sponsors were bringing in enough money, they wouldn't cancel us, right?

MELANIE

If your sponsors were bringing in enough money, I'd already be in the executive washroom and you'd be some other producer's problem.

KAREN

(loud whisper)

Tell her to watch out for grenades. Those executives are ruthless.

David covers the phone.

DAVID

Not helping.

KAREN

Sorry.

David uncovers the phone.

DAVID

Then how about this. We start bringing in our own sponsors. Ones who appreciate what we do and the kind of audience we bring them. You give us a number to hit, we hit the number, you don't cancel the show. Deal?

MELANIE

You really don't want to hear the number.

DAVID

I'm a dangerous man. I have nothing to lose.

KAREN

(whispering)

And you still know where the rest of the grenades are.

MELANIE

Okay, you're on. You have the rest of the season to bring your numbers up. If you do, I'll make sure they keep you alive. But you better hope it gets me a promotion, because one more season with you and I'll be the one shopping for grenades. Savvy?

DAVID

Yeah. Got it. Thanks.

David hangs up the phone and sets it down on the console.

KAREN

You know as much about marketing as cosmic gypsy girl does about rocket science.

DAVID

True enough. But I know something even more valuable.

KAREN

What's that?

DAVID

Your husband likes 12 year old scotch and pharmaceuticals of dubious medicinal value. And I have friends in low places.

KAREN

You're going to ask him to help us?

DAVID

Don't be silly. He's in marketing.

KAREN

Oh.

DAVID

I'm going to bribe him to help us.

KAREN

And if that doesn't work?

DAVID

Then I'll blackmail him to help us.

KAREN

David! That's not very nice!

DAVID

Neither is unemployment, wouldn't you agree?

KAREN

He also likes imported caviar. I have some friends I can call.

DAVID

That's the spirit.

David glances up at the monitor and dives for the Talk button.

DAVID

Crap! Mikey, no!

MIKEY

But Kat said to cut to the interview as soon as he finished talking.

DAVID

They aren't set up for the interview yet. The cameraman is in the bathroom taking a leak!

MIKEY

Oh. I thought it was just another bathroom thing. Man, how much has he had to drink today? He should really remember to turn that camera off.

Karen covers her mouth to stifle a reaction as David drops his head into his hands.