Deep Sand

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

David is laying on the studio couch, a brown fedora draped over his face as he sleeps. As Karen walks in the studio door, she stops, folds her arms and shakes her head.

KAREN

Indiana Jones, I presume?

David doesn't move.

DAVID

Don't be silly. I've had an aversion to bullwhips ever since I dated that stripper a few years back.

KAREN

Well, nice of you to join us. Are you planning on actually working tonight?

DAVID

I am working.

KAREN

Yes, I can see that.

DAVID

I'm brainstorming.

KAREN

You're sleeping.

DAVID

Not very effectively, I might add.

KAREN

I got all your instructions about the new sponsor.

DAVID

Did you understand them?

KAREN

I have a really bad feeling about this.

DAVID

Excellent. So you understand perfectly.

KAREN

Are you sure this is a good idea?

DAVID

I think losing the show is a bad idea.

KAREN

That's not much of an answer.

DAVID

It wasn't much of a question. Besides, it'll be fine.

KAREN

You say that now. You may feel differently when everyone sees the changes.

DAVID

Nonsense. I'm sure you're going to handle everything flawlessly.

KAREN

Me? And what are you going to do?

David sits up and pushes his hat back up on his head.

DAVID

I'm going to go home. Between you and the damned explosions I can't get a bit of sleep around this place.

David gets up and walks past her to the door. He tips his hat on his way out.

DAVID

Have a great show!

Karen turns and watches in disbelief as he leaves.

Opening credits.

Karen calls out after David once he's out of sight.

KAREN

Have a great show? That's all you've got? No advice? No fire extinguishers?

(plaintively)

No body armor?

Karen talks to herself as she walks to the console.

KAREN

I had a great job. I sat at the sound board and mixed the audio. Life was simple. Life was good. But no, I wanted to be a director...

The door to the editing room cracks open as Mikey pokes his head out.

MIKEY

Karen? Everything okay? I heard shouting.

KAREN

And that's different how?

MIKEY

Good point. Listen, I got all those changes made like you said. Uh, have you told the guys about this yet?

KAREN

Not yet. I was thinking fearless leader was going to do that.

MIKEY

Is that why you came in late?

KAREN

Didn't work so well, did it?

MIKEY

Guess not. Looks like you're the leader tonight, eh?

KAREN

Yeah. I just wish I was fearless.

MIKEY

It's almost time to start. Want me to queue everything up?

KAREN

Yes, please. And if you change your mind about telling me where David hides the liquor...

Mikey smiles and closes her door as Karen turns on her monitor. It's already set up with the four way view of hosts. Karen pushes the Talk button.

KAREN

Okay boys and girls. Looks like just you and me again tonight.

EDDIE

Uh, Karen, before we start, about this new sponsor...

MELISSA

Yeah, are you sure this is the vibe we want to be sending out? I mean...

LAVA MAN

You guys should really learn to just flow with the inevitable.

KAREN

No time to discuss this in committee. We're live in 5, 4, 3...

(beat)

Here we go again...

SHOW VIEW

ANNOUNCER

(unseen)

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Show Programming's Self Help Television, brought to you by our sponsor, Albertomatics, makers of that sensational new product that's sweeping the nation, Deep Sand. And now our host, Katherine Steel.

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, cue Kat.

SHOW VIEW

The graphics give way to a traditional news desk shot of Katherine, who looks up from the papers she's holding as she speaks.

KATHERINE

Good evening, and welcome to Self Help Television, where we present advice from a variety of respected sources in the self improvement community.

And remember, we let you, the viewer, decide through your votes who will go and who will return for our next season. But first, a word from our sponsor.

The screen transitions to a commercial for Deep Sand, an exercise in grandiose statements that stops short of saying what it actually does. The product is, in essence, dirt, presented in an attractive display case and surrounded by highly polished marketing materials.

The commercial ends and the view returns to Katherine.

KATHERINE

Here on Self Help Television, we strive to bring you the most enlightened programming, advice that can change your lives. We start with our question of the day, a simple and relevant thought that our hosts will interpret, each in their own way, to show you how you can make your life better. Let's get started.

The view shifts to the question of the day, which is, "How can you harness the power of the Earth?"

Sitting at the console, Karen has the monitor in four way view and hears the comments of the hosts.

EDDIE

Harness the power of the Earth? What kind of a stupid question was that?

LAVA MAN

I can't see the relevance in connecting with earth. It's inert. There's, like, no fire, man.

KATHERINE

Hey, don't look at me. This came from David.

MELISSA

See, this is why you should all be glad that I go first. This makes total sense to me.

EDDIE

For once, I couldn't agree with cosmic gypsy girl more. I'm dying to see what you did with this one. Have at it.

KAREN

Okay, Kat and split screen in 3, 2, 1... Mikey?

MIKEY

Got it.

SHOW VIEW

The view shifts to the show's split screen with Katherine on one side and the hosts in a grid on the other. Each host is in their own rectangle within the grid. In the fourth is the logo for Deep Sand, which is animated and continuously loops through what is, in essence, an obnoxious commercial for the product ending in $19.95.

KATHERINE

Let's begin with our long time favorite, Melissa. With your emphasis on peace, love and harmony, this sounds like a question tailor made for you.

The grid portion of the split screen zooms in to just Melissa's view.

MELISSA

Thanks, Katherine. And you're right, connecting with the Earth is so very important today.

Trying to be inconspicuous, Melissa is clearly glancing to the side at a teleprompter for her lines, which she struggles to deliver.

MELISSA

And of course, that's the power of Deep Sand, a life changing product that harnesses the power of the Earth in the most fundamental way possible. Deep Sand doesn't just connect to the Earth. Deep Sand brings the Earth to you.

Melissa seems relieved to have the endorsement behind her, and brightens considerably.

MELISSA

So, let's take a look at how harnessing the power of the planet can make your life better. Our first guest today...

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Sitting on the couch is VIEWER1, snacks at his side, feet propped up and watching the show on a big screen TV. In his hand is a cell phone.

VIEWER1

Deep Sand. Man, I gotta get some of that stuff.

He types a text message on his cell phone in a running commentary on the show between friends.

IM

Viewer1: Got Deep Sand?

Friend: Not yet. Hear it's awesome.

Viewer1: Life changing.

Friend: Think they'll offer a discount on the show?

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen has the monitor set to Katherine so that they can have a private conversation while Melissa's segment runs.

KATHERINE

So we're running a commercial after each segment?

KAREN

Right. Mikey, you have everything queued up?

MIKEY

Locked and loaded.

KAREN

You know, given the fireworks we tend to see around this place, perhaps you could find a phrase that doesn't tempt the fates.

MIKEY

Good point. Oh, and boss?

KAREN

Yes?

MIKEY

I have fire extinguishers. Lots of fire extinguishers.

KAREN

And body armor?

MIKEY

Budget problems.

KAREN

Figures.

INT. SOMEWHERE - NIGHT

A girl leans against a wall, watching the show on her cell phone.

VIEWER2

Wow. Deep Sand is incredible. I wonder if they'll give a discount on the show.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Katherine and Karen continue their conversation while Melissa's segment runs.

KATHERINE

You don't think all these ads are overkill? We don't want to turn our audience off, you know.

KAREN

If we don't bring in what I suspect is a ridiculously high amount of advertising dollars, we won't have to worry about our audience. We'll be sitting on the couch next to them, reading the help wanted ads and wondering how Deep Sand is going to change our lives.

KATHERINE

I guess you're right. Did you talk to David about my idea?

KAREN

He loved it. He said he wished everyone had your team spirit.

MIKEY

Are we starting a football team?

KAREN

If we were, we could always have Lava Man carpet bomb the other team for us. Anyway, Kat, you got the gig for half of the ads.

KATHERINE

How many times do I have to tell you people? It's Katherine, not Kat.

KAREN

Right. Of course.

KATHERINE

And half? Not to be greedy, but none of the other guys want to do commercials. Why only half?

KAREN

Turns out you're not the only person who wants to make extra money on the side. And I'm pretty sure you don't want to fight with her over this particular bone.

KATHERINE

Melanie is going to do voiceover work?

KAREN

With the kind of money they're paying, it was all we could do to get her to give up half.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A girl reclines on her couch, watching the show on a pad. She calls to her husband in the other room.

VIEWER3

Honey?

HUSBAND

Yeah?

Viewer looks back at her pad and reads aloud.

VIEWER3

How much would it be worth to you to change your life forever?

(beat)

And what's 19.95 times 48?

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

MIKEY

So when are we going to record the spots?

KAREN

Sometime between tomorrow and next week's show. Assuming nobody blows up the vocal booth before then. By the way, Katherine, nice job on the napalm last week. How did you manage to swap out the canisters without Lava Man noticing?

KATHERINE

Remember the cameraman from the grenade incident?

KAREN

Yeah. That was unfortunate.

KATHERINE

Well, he's out of the hospital and back at work. Turns out he and the rest of the crew were only too happy to serve as co-conspirators.

MIKEY

The look on Lava Man's face when nothing happened, right there on live television, was priceless.

KAREN

That it was. Do I want to know what happened to the real napalm?

KATHERINE

Nope.

MIKEY

Probably not.

KATHERINE

I'm sure of it.

KAREN

Right. Forget I asked.