Donations

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen is sitting at the console for the pre show. The monitor is in 4 way, and she's on the phone with Melanie.

KAREN

No ma'am, I don't know where David is. He just said he was out taking care of business. I think he stopped by the hospital first to see how Fred was doing. The good news is that it didn't require surgery to remove that hard drive. Turns out his wallet kept it from going all the way in.

MELANIE

I want to congratulate you on a masterful job of editing last week's show. So, did you fire Mikey or just turn him over to Lava Man for next week's episode?

KAREN

It was an honest mistake, ma'am. You know these things happen with live broadcasts from time to time.

MELANIE

Except for the part where it was prerecorded instead of being live. You guys didn't think to check the footage before you broadcast it?

KAREN

Well, ma'am, there was an awful lot of confusion that day, what with the ambulance and fire trucks. And then of course there was the visit from the federal marshals and Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, but I think we convinced them that we had a permit for this sort of thing, so they're dropping the charges.

MELANIE

Do you have any idea what kind of a moron this makes me look like to upper management?

KAREN

A highly professional one, ma'am?

Opening credits.

MELANIE

And don't even get me started on the liability issues. Why this guy hasn't sued us for every brick we own is beyond me.

KAREN

I think the fact that you have those pictures of him and his girlfriend at the Christmas party may have something to do with it. Although his wife's been out of the country on business the past couple of months so I'm not sure if that one's a lock.

MELANIE

At any rate, this won't be my problem for much longer. There's only another week left in the season, and you guys barely have ten percent of the revenue you were supposed to raise. I just hope after we cancel this collection of catastrophes that my career isn't on permanent hold.

KAREN

But we raised a ton of money with our new sponsor. How could we still be so far off?

MELANIE

David never told you what the actual numbers were, did he?

KAREN

Uh, no.

MELANIE

Well, there you go. Next time you talk to him, tell him I think there may be an opening for him in web video. He's not allergic to cats, is he?

KAREN

No, ma'am, I don't think... Hello? Hello?

(beat)

Unbelievable.

As Karen stares at the phone, it rings again, this time from David.

KAREN

(rapid fire)

David, where are you? Is Fred okay? Melanie just called and said we're nowhere near our numbers. She says we don't have any chance to save the show.

(beat)

And are you allergic to cats?

DAVID

Oh, hey, Karen. How's the show going so far?

KAREN

How's the show going? Have you heard anything I've said?

DAVID

Yeah. You'll be pleased to know that I'm not allergic to cats of any kind. And I guess that's a pretty good thing given the amount of time I seem to be spending at the Pink Pussycat lately. This marketing stuff is a lot of work.

KAREN

David!

DAVID

Relax, will you? I've got it under control.

KAREN

How can you have it under control? We only have one week left to go, and she says we only have ten percent of the money we need. How is that under control?

DAVID

Is she counting money from all the sources?

KAREN

Huh? What do you mean all the sources.

DAVID

Has Katherine said anything to you about the write in donations segment she's doing?

KAREN

She hasn't said anything at all about a new segment.

DAVID

Some director you are. You don't even know what your talent is planning for the evening's broadcast? You should be more careful. One of these days we might actually have an on air disaster.

KAREN

(dryly)

It's okay. I'm highly trained for such an event.

DAVID

Now you sound more like a director.

KAREN

Wasn't a compliment, right?

DAVID

Actually, that time it was. You really do need to learn how to go with the flow, though.

KAREN

So we're getting write in donations?

DAVID

Yeah. Lots of them. Apparently people are skipping right past the premiums part of the pledge drive and just sending us money and letters.

KAREN

What do the letters say? Thanks for not sending your crew anywhere near my house?

DAVID

Close. Mostly, they just say thanks. Sometimes they're addressed to one of the hosts, sometimes to all of us, but they're sending in money and thanking us for making a difference in their lives.

KAREN

Is this a joke? Have you been plotting with Mikey?

DAVID

No joke. This is really happening. And I never plot with Mikey. She's no good at keeping secrets.

KAREN

She certainly kept the one about the liquor stash.

(beat)

So how much money are we bringing in from donations. Is it enough?

DAVID

No clue. But I'm not worried. However much it is, I'm sure it'll be enough.

KAREN

I wish I shared your optimism.

(beat)

And I wish you shared your booze.

SHOW VIEW

Deep Sand commercial, after which the screen transitions to Katherine in full screen.

KATHERINE

We've been overwhelmed by the generosity you've shown in recent weeks, never more than lately when we started receiving checks in the mail with nothing but a letter of gratitude attached.

In many ways and many words, you've reached out to tell us that we're making a difference in your lives. Here's Melissa with just a few of the responses she's received. Melissa?

The screen transitions to Melissa, who is holding a handful of letters, in full screen.

MELISSA

Thanks, Katherine. And indeed, thanks seems to be the topic of the day. I can't tell you how much it means to me to receive letters like the following.

"Dear Melissa, your recent segment on the power of benevolence made a huge difference in my life. My husband and I seem to constantly fight, morning, noon and night. After watching your show, I thought I'd try a little experiment. The next day, no matter what, I was nice to him all day. It was amazing. Every time I was nice to him, he was nice back to me. What you've taught me is nothing short of miraculous. Thank you for all the wonderful things you do. I hope the enclosed will help in some small way with the financial difficulties your show is having. We'd hate to lose you. My husband is a fan now, too. Signed, Happy in Hartford."

You've made us all happy, too, Happy. And we hope that your happiness continues. Is that too many happies? No. You can never have too many happies. Katherine?

The screen shifts back to Katherine in full screen.

KATHERINE

Indeed, one can never have too many happies. And of course, the letters have come in to all of us, not just Melissa. Isn't that right, Eddie?

The screen shifts to Eddie in full screen. He's holding letters and looks genuinely, and uncharacteristically, touched.

EDDIE

Thanks, Katherine. I really just don't know where to begin. I've made a living trying to help people achieve prosperity, and I've tried to lead by example. But no amount of cars and houses compares to what I felt when I read letters like this.

"Dear Eddie, I've been a fan of yours from the very beginning. There have been times when I had to give blood to have money to eat because I spent my last dollar on one of your prosperity packages. Sometimes I slept on friend's couches. On occasion, I've even slept under a bridge. But I've bought everything you've ever produced."

"Everyone told me that I should quit dreaming and just get a job at the local factory, but I've held on to my ambition of making it as an artist. I've followed all your advice about persistence, spreading the word, networking and hard work, and recently it all came together. People started buying my paintings. First a few, for a little money, but then I started getting calls from people who wanted me to do something just for them. One thing led to another and I found myself at big New York art galleries and making more money than I ever dreamed of."

"My ex wife and I have remarried, and I'm with my kids again. I was able to finally get my mother the medical treatment she desperately needed and I'm living the life of my dreams. I donate time and money every month to several charities and do my best to pass along what you've taught me. Thanks for changing my life. I hope you'll accept this check as a small token of my gratitude. I enjoy sending it far more than the car I would have bought with it. Sincerely, A Believer in Cleveland."

(beat)

I just don't know what to say. Katherine?

The screen shifts back to Katherine in full screen.

KATHERINE

These are just a few of the responses that we've received from you, and indeed, we don't have adequate words to express our gratitude. With your continued support, we hope to be here for you for many years to come.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen is sitting, stunned, watching the monitor. She absently presses the talk button.

KAREN

(incredulously)

Mikey, are you seeing this?

MIKEY

That's affirmative. Can you believe this? I always thought these guys were a little out there myself. Holy cow, are we really helping people?

KAREN

Who would have thought?