Let's Blow Something Up

INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Karen is standing in the warehouse, looking out over a collection of items that viewers have sent in to be blown up. She's holding her cell phone in one hand as she talks to David. In the other is a stack of letters from viewers.

KAREN

This is insane. I thought you said we wouldn't get that many takers on this? It looks like everyone on the planet has something they'd like to blow up.

DAVID

Yeah, maybe we set the price a little low. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would pay that kind of money to see their frustrations go up in flames. Maybe we should jack the price up a couple of notches.

KAREN

You think? Listen to this. "Enclosed is the engagement ring from that no good, two timing, deadbeat musician I was seeing. Do you think you can do a big enough blast to vaporize it? I know diamonds are pretty tough. On the other hand, it's not like it was that big to begin with."

DAVID

See? That's exactly the sort of thing we need. Small, easy to work with, something he can demolish without taking out half a city block in the process.

KAREN

They're not all that small.

In the background is the beeping sound of heavy equipment backing up. Karen puts her phone down for a moment and yells into the distance.

KAREN

Hey! Watch it with that forklift. We need it in one piece!

Karen puts the phone back to her ear and reads the letter.

KAREN

Sorry. "This car is the biggest piece of junk I've ever seen in my life. I want you to take whatever fragments are left and ship them back to Detroit and tell them they can stick them...

In the background, a Chihuahua can be heard barking incessantly.

DAVID

Yeah, right. Got it. What's that yapping?

Karen shuffles and brings up another letter.

KAREN

Hang on. Here it is. "I'm so tired of listening to my neighbor's stupid dog barking night after night..."

DAVID

Yeah, we're going to have to send some of these things back.

Opening credits.

KAREN

But what about all the rest? I mean, they paid their money and we don't have anywhere near the airtime for all of them.

DAVID

DVDs.

KAREN

What?

DAVID

We'll make DVDs of blowing them all up. We'll put the best of the lot on the show, and mail discs out to all the people who sent something in.

KAREN

You know, I feel like we're enabling someone with a potentially dangerous personality defect here.

DAVID

One crisis at a time, please. By the way, shouldn't you be getting ready for the show? It's getting late.

KAREN

I'm headed that way in a few minutes. I have Mikey queuing everything up. We've got the standard introduction stuff so even if I run a few minutes late it shouldn't be a problem.

DAVID

See? You're starting to think like a director already.

KAREN

Thanks, boss.

DAVID

Wasn't a compliment.

SHOW VIEW

ANNOUNCER

(unseen)

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Show Programming's Self Help Television, brought to you by our sponsor, Albertomatics, makers of that sensational new product that's sweeping the nation, Deep Sand. And now our host, Katherine Steel.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, cue Kat.

SHOW VIEW

The graphics give way to a traditional news desk shot of Katherine, who looks up from the papers she's holding as she speaks.

KATHERINE

Good evening, and welcome to Self Help Television, where we present advice from a variety of respected sources in the self improvement community.

And remember, we let you, the viewer, decide through your votes who will go and who will return for our next season. But first, a word from our sponsor.

The screen transitions to a commercial for Deep Sand. The commercial ends and the view returns to Katherine.

KATHERINE

Our fundraising drive has had a great response from our viewers, and we'd like to thank you all for your support. With your help, we'll be able to continue bringing you deep, insightful programming next season and for many years to come. Before we continue, let's take a quick look at our premiums.

The screen transitions to a split screen display showing Katherine on the left and the amount of the pledge and corresponding reward on the right. Katherine narrates as the screen changes to show each level, starting with the most expensive item.

KATHERINE

First up, at our Platinum level, we have our popular, "Blow up your troubles" premium, hosted by our very own Lava Man. Because of the overwhelming response, we'll be taking the best of the entries and showing them on the air, but we'll also be creating a series of DVDs...

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen is sitting at the console watching the monitor. She comments to herself, without pushing the Talk button.

KAREN

Which at this point will have to be shipped to you by 18 wheeler ...

SHOW VIEW

KATHERINE

...which we'll ship to each and every viewer who has contributed at this level. Thus, you'll get not only the satisfaction of seeing your own frustrations go up in flames, you can share in the joy of others.

We encourage you to grab a credit card, take out a loan or just borrow money from your parents and send us something to demolish. You'll be supporting quality programming and ridding the planet of a few things that we probably didn't need to begin with.

The screen transitions to Eddie's products.

KATHERINE

Next up, at our Gold level, we have a collection of products generously donated by our leader in prosperity, Eddie Gold.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

KAREN

Who we had to club into a catatonic state in order to remove them from his greedy little fingers, using industrial strength winches...

SHOW VIEW

KATHERINE

As you can see, your pledge brings you some of his finest and most beneficial work, including the ever popular, "Market Yourself Like A Vegas Hooker" and "Spend Yourself Famous." Act now and we'll also throw in, "How to get a BS in BS." And remember, it's all for a great cause.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

KAREN

Yeah. Making sure I don't have to update my stupid resume again.

SHOW VIEW

KATHERINE

Last, at our Silver level, we have a signed copies of Melissa Moonglow's most popular titles, including, "Visualize Your Ability To Visualize" and her bestselling "I'm A Ray, You're A Ray."

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

KAREN

Act now and we'll steam clean your aura while you wait!

MIKEY

Uh, Karen?

Karen snaps out of her daydream like state and reaches for the Talk button.

KAREN

Yeah, Mikey, what's up?

MIKEY

I just wanted you to know that maintenance called a little while ago and said they'd be out tomorrow to fix that Talk button so that it's not stuck on all the time.

KAREN

What? Holy crap, are you kidding me?

MIKEY

Actually, I am. I could just hear you through the door.

KAREN

You want me to send Lava Man into your little editing room with a bag full of grenades? I know where we keep the spares!

MIKEY

Oh, and we're about to come out of the telethon thing and into the next Deep Sand commercial. Want me to queue it up?

Karen draws a sigh of relief.

KAREN

Fine, thanks. I will get you for this, you know that, right?

MIKEY

I'm sorry, your mic is breaking up...

KAREN

Chicken.

MIKEY

Damn straight.

SHOW VIEW

The screen transitions to a Deep Sand commercial, then back to Katherine sitting at her desk.

KATHERINE

Next up, we have our popular "Blow up your troubles" segment here on Self Help Television. We go now to Lava Man, on location in a field somewhere near the desolate back lot wilderness which we call our studio home.

This feature was recorded earlier today so that we'd have enough daylight to find all the pieces should we lose another cameraman. Lava Man?

EXT. BACK LOT FIELD - DAY

Lava Man is standing in a patch of weeds and dirt beside a pile of computer equipment.

LAVA MAN

Thank you, Katherine. I'd also like to thank all of you who have responded to our pledge drive with your donations and your frustrations. As you can see, a great many of you experience a particularly high level of stress due to technology. In today's episode, we're going to apply the power of fire to a collection of high tech nightmares contributed by a number of you.

Now as you know, computers are just pieces of plastic with a few circuit boards, so I only used a small amount of explosives in the ground beneath this pile. Now, let's see what happens when the evils of future tech meet the timeless power of gunpowder.

Lava Man walks out of frame as the hand held camera begins to shift nervously.

LAVA MAN

(quietly to the cameraman)

Don't worry, man. This won't be anything like the grenades. Just hold it steady.

The camera motion steadies somewhat.

LAVA MAN

(loudly)

Okay, here we go. 3, 2, 1...

An explosion erupts and a collection of dirt and computer gear flies out of frame. At the same time, the camera shakes from the blast and then spins around, pointing up to the air.

LAVA MAN

Wow, that was some blast, wasn't it? As you can see, technological frustrations are no match for the power of... Hey, Fred, are you okay? Damn, not again. Marty, kill the camera, would you?

The screen suddenly goes black, and quickly switches back to Katherine at her desk.

SHOW VIEW

KATHERINE

And, uh, thank you, Lava Man, for that exciting demonstration of, uh, destruction.

(beat)

We'll be back in a moment after this word from our sponsor.

The screen goes black for a moment as Katherine's voice is heard in the background.

KATHERINE

And you couldn't edit that out before you gave it to me? Does anyone know which hospital he's in this time? Crap, we're still on the air. Mikey, the commercial!