Marketing

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Everyone is on their respective sets as they begin the standard pre-show meeting. Karen and David are at the console.

LAVA MAN

We don't go on for another 10 minutes. Why are we meeting so early?

EDDIE

A little matchstick told him to do it. And David always obeys the fire.

KATHERINE

Yeah, David, not to complain, but I usually spend my time before the show rehearsing for my news anchor auditions.

MELISSA

You got auditions for a news show? That's great! See, it's all about visualizing a positive energy.

KATHERINE

I don't have any auditions yet. But one must be prepared. Sooner or later I'll get my big break.

LAVA MAN

You're currently the host for a rotating cast of spacey, self help wannabes who think that positive thinking and tree hugging will change the world. And you want to trade that in for a gig on the network news.

(beat)

Are you sure that's an upgrade?

MELISSA

I don't hug trees! Not since that time I was wearing my bikini in the woods.

(beat)

That was an awkward rash.

David has been waiting patiently for them to go through their usual round of poking at each other. Finally, he clears his throat. Everyone stops talking to hear what he has to say.

DAVID

The reason I had us meet early is to tell you something that might be of interest to you. They've cancelled the show. This is our last season. We're done.

Opening credits.

Everyone talks at once.

MELISSA

What? How could they?

EDDIE

I just ordered another 5,000 DVD sets. How am I supposed to move them?

LAVA MAN

I really thought the flame was brighter with this show.

KATHERINE

How can they do that? We have millions of devoted fans!

Karen looks at David quizzically, wondering what he's up to. She motions his finger away from the talk button.

KAREN

We've been cancelled? That's the story you're going with?

DAVID

I wanted to get their attention.

KAREN

You wanted mass panic five minutes before air time?

DAVID

Trust me.

KAREN

Isn't that what you said when that case of grenades showed up?

David presses the Talk button again.

DAVID

There is, however, another possibility.

MIKEY

Uh, David?

DAVID

Yes, Mikey.

MIKEY

Did you just say they were cancelling the show?

DAVID

You heard right.

MIKEY

Was it because of the grenade?

DAVID

No, our ratings actually spiked on that episode. But let's try to avoid blowing anything else up until we get this sorted out, shall we?

MIKEY

Sure, boss. No problem. No more grenades.

KATHERINE

So what's this other possibility?

DAVID

Okay, here's the whole story. Our parent company, Show Programming, is your typical multi gazillion dollar media corporation. They don't give a rat's rear end about anything but the almighty dollar. And we're just not bringing it in.

MELISSA

But I thought we had millions of viewers.

DAVID

We do. But viewers don't pay us money. Advertisers do. And we can't seem to keep any. They're either wary of the kind of audience we have in the first place, or someone broadcasts footage of what looks like the output of a firehose coming from our cameraman's blue jeans, and they bolt.

MIKEY

Oops. Uh, sorry, guys. I'll try not to screw up this week, honest.

DAVID

Don't worry about it, Mikey. We all make mistakes.

LAVA MAN

Some of us make more than others.

EDDIE

Says the guy running a consistent third.

DAVID

Put a cork in it. Anyway, we have a big audience, and everyone knows it. But the corporate marketing department keeps all the good clients for other shows and just throws us the scraps.

KATHERINE

Why?

DAVID

Because they think we're flakes. That's why they bumped us to midnight, and that's why they moved our studio to this rundown building with leftover equipment. Our producer is not only ready to throw us under the bus, she's applied for a commercial license so she can drive it.

(beat)

So I cut a deal.

MELISSA

What kind of a deal?

DAVID

I said we'd take care of our own marketing, and if we hit our revenue numbers, they don't cancel the show.

KATHERINE

Handle our own marketing?

EDDIE

Do you even know anything about marketing?

DAVID

I don't need to. I have a secret weapon.

MELISSA

It's not more grenades, is it? Those things really make me nervous.

DAVID

It's even better than grenades.

LAVA MAN

Heat seeking missiles?

EDDIE

Laser guided bombs?

MELISSA

The power of peace and love?

Everyone stops for a moment, wondering if Melissa is really as flaky as she seems.

MELISSA

What? This is a self help show, right?

DAVID

It's better than all that. Karen's husband works in the marketing department.

LAVA MAN

How does that help us? Isn't it marketing that screwed us in the first place?

DAVID

He likes 12 year old scotch, imported caviar, and substances of questionable medicinal value.

EDDIE

You're going to bribe him to help us.

DAVID

I knew you'd understand.

EDDIE

So where do we come in?

DAVID

Well, I've already had some conversations with him, and he has some clients lined up. But it's going to require a little flexibility on our part.

MELISSA

This doesn't involve otters, does it?

DAVID

No, but it does involve sharing the spotlight just a bit.

EDDIE

I have a bad feeling about this.

KAREN

It's not as bad as all that.

EDDIE

Easy for you to say. You're on the other side of the camera. Besides, you don't have a line of products to sell.

DAVID

A conversation we're sure to have sometime very soon.

EDDIE

Oops.

MELISSA

I don't get it. What do you mean sharing the spotlight?

KATHERINE

He means that in order to get advertisers who are willing to work with us, they're going to want to be more visible on the show. Right, David?

DAVID

That's about the size of it.

MELISSA

But we already run commercials. What's the big deal?

DAVID

In order to make the kind of money that we need to keep this show alive, we're going to need more than commercials. We'll have our sponsor's logo and slogans displayed in prominent places while the show's running, on backgrounds and things like that.

LAVA MAN

Yeah. That won't be cheesy.

DAVID

We'll also be exploring opportunities for product placement.

MELISSA

What's product placement?

DAVID

Using their products while we're doing the show.

MELISSA

Like Eddie always selling stuff on his segments?

DAVID

Yep.

MELISSA

Yuck.

KAREN

Oh, it gets better.

KATHERINE

Now what?

DAVID

Actually, you might like this. There might even be opportunities for someone from our cast to serve as product spokesperson for our sponsors.

EDDIE

You mean like pitch men?

DAVID

Thanks for volunteering. Your experience will serve us well.

EDDIE

Wait a minute, I didn't...

KATHERINE

I'm in. I want to broaden my broadcasting horizons. You never know when it might be the thing that gets me noticed.

LAVA MAN

I suppose you'll want me, too?

DAVID

Let me get back to you on that. It depends on the product and how combustible it is.

Karen looks at her watch and then signals David. David nods.

KAREN

Okay, places everyone. Mikey, ready on video?

MIKEY

That's affirmative.

KAREN

Okay everyone, we're live in 5, 4, 3...

DAVID

Here we go again...