Otters

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Sitting to the right of the mixing console is Self Help Television's director DAVID ANTHONY. To his left is his assistant KAREN WINTERS, who mixes audio for the live talk show among her numerous other duties. A split screen view of four talk show sets occupies the big screen monitor over the console. David's finger is on the console's Talk button as he speaks to the on set talent. There is a palpable pre-show stress in the air.

DAVID

Okay, boys and girls. Remember, this is a live show. If you screw it up, there's no undo button.

Karen doesn't look up from the mixing console but offers her reply in a quietly chiding, singsong voice.

KAREN

Not very encouraging.

DAVID

Screw encouraging. I just don't want a repeat of last week's fiasco. You're not the one who has to take the calls from our producer.

KAREN

You know your finger's still on the talk button, right?

DAVID

Crap.

Opening credits.

INT. KATHERINE'S SET - NIGHT

On set, KATHERINE STEEL, the host of Self Help Television, looks up from the papers on her broadcast desk.

KATHERINE

You know, that really wasn't my fault. Before we cutaway to the live segment I was told that she had already put her clothes back on. Besides, if you interview strippers, what do you expect?

DAVID

No one's blaming you, Kat.

KATHERINE

Katherine.

DAVID

Right.

EDDIE GOLD, host of the prosperity segment, waves his arms.

EDDIE

I am. That's all anyone could talk about last week. For all the attention my segment got, I could have just as well stayed home.

From his set, LAVA MAN cocks his head and casts a cynical look.

LAVA MAN

And done what, count your money? It's not like that stuff you sell has any value beyond buying you a new car.

EDDIE

At least I have a real name. Lava Man? What's that, someone who works at a lamp factory?

MELISSA MOONGLOW, host of the peace, love and harmony segment, tries to smooth things over.

MELISSA

Now boys, be nice. Eddie, you shouldn't make fun of his name. Maybe he was born like that. I think you should both try to get in touch with your inner love center.

EDDIE

Yeah, maybe it would help you in the rankings, pyro brain. You're dead last. Even the fluffy bunny girl here has more viewers than you.

Katherine looks up plaintively.

KATHERINE

You see what I have to work with here? It's like herding cats.

KAREN

How come she gets to say cat and nobody else can?

DAVID

Now children, do try to get along. And remember, it's just a game.

EDDIE

Yeah. A game. Broadcast live to millions of viewers.

MELISSA

Who get to vote on their favorite!

LAVA MAN

With the loser getting blasted off the show.

MELISSA

Loser is such a negative word. Couldn't we just say positionally challenged?

Karen rolls her eyes and reaches over to whack David's finger off of the Talk button. Holding it down, she leans towards it to speak.

KAREN

Okay, places everyone.

Karen looks over the console at MIKEY LYNN, the video editor, who is peeking out through a slightly opened door to her office.

KAREN

Okay, Michelle. Ready to go to work?

MIKEY

Michelle? Nobody uses my full name unless I've been bad. Have I been bad?

Karen raises her eyebrows.

KAREN

The night's still young.

(beat)

Okay, Mikey, back in the box. Unless you can edit the video feeds from where you're standing, that is.

MIKEY

My arms aren't that long.

KAREN

Off you go, then. Shoo!

Karen waves her arm at Mikey as she ducks back into her office and closes the door.

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, you ready on video?

Over the speakers comes the voice of Mikey.

MIKEY

All feeds up and running. Shall I bring up the opening graphics and music?

DAVID

Yes, please. And Mikey?

MIKEY

Yes?

DAVID

Do make sure you get the right music this time, would you? It's not that I don't like the theme to Gilligan's Island, but...

KAREN

Okay everyone, we're live in 5, 4, 3...

DAVID

Here we go again...

The hosts all do a last minute check of their appearance as the monitor transitions to the opening graphics.

ANNOUNCER

(unseen)

Welcome to another enlightening episode of Show Programming's Self Help Television, brought to you by our sponsor, Bubba Fish, makers of the Bass Bounty Hunter. And now our host, Katherine Steel.

DAVID

Okay, Mikey, cue Kat.

The graphics give way to a traditional news desk shot of Katherine, who looks up from the papers she's holding as she speaks.

KATHERINE

Good evening, and welcome to Self Help Television, where we present advice from a variety of respected sources in the self improvement community.

And remember, we let you, the viewer, decide through your votes who will go and who will return for our next season. For those of you just joining us, let's meet our contestants.

The screen moves to a split view with Katherine on the right and a grid of four rectangles to the left. Each of the hosts occupy one rectangle, with the fourth being occupied by the SHT logo.

KATHERINE

First, we have a leading voice in the new age community and author of several books, miss Melissa Moonglow.

DAVID

Bring up Melissa.

Melissa's view zooms to full screen as she smiles and waves to the camera. As Katherine continues, information about Melissa displays in the lower third.

KATHERINE

Melissa brings a message of peace, love and harmony, working tirelessly to show others how they can make the world a better place to live. Next...

DAVID

Cut to Eddie.

Eddie's view zooms to full screen as he looks on, confident and charming.

KATHERINE

...we have Eddie Gold, author, speaker and creator of a wide range of prosperity products.

As Katherine speaks, Eddie produces packaging holding his latest DVD offering and points to it, the perfect pitch man. At the console, David is watching on the monitor.

DAVID

What's he doing? Didn't we talk about this last week? This isn't the shopping channel!

David reaches for the talk button.

DAVID

Mikey, back to Kat!

MIKEY

Already there, boss. Geez, this guy just never quits, does he?

DAVID

Okay, over to Lava Man.

The screen zooms in to Lava Man as Katherine continues his introductions.

KATHERINE

Last but not least is Lava Man, founder of the Church of the Divine Flame, bringing his message of enlightenment through the power of fire.

DAVID

Back to Kat.

The theme music dies down and the view shifts back to Katherine.

KATHERINE

Each week, we present our panel with a specific life problem and see what advice each of them gives. To play along at home, or from your mobile phone or pad, just go to ShowProgramming.com, click on Self Help Television, and let your voice be heard.

As the website information is displayed on the lower third, the screen changes to graphics for the next segment.

KATHERINE

And now for our question of the week.

The graphics screen displays the question "What's the best way to increase intimacy with your significant other?", but instead of the word other, it ends with otter. David and Karen look on in horror as David leaps for the Talk button.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Sitting on the couch is VIEWER1, snacks at his side, feet propped up and watching the show on a big screen TV. In his hand is a cell phone.

VIEWER1

Sex with otters? That's new.

He types a text message on his cell phone in a running commentary on the show between friends.

IM

Viewer1: Otters?

Friend: Maybe they mean furries.

Viewer1: Kinky.

Friend: Think they'll show us how to pick up hot furry chicks?

INT. SOMEWHERE - NIGHT

A girl leans against a wall, watching the show on her cell phone.

VIEWER2

Otters? Eww.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A girl reclines on her couch, watching the show on a pad. She calls to her husband in the other room.

VIEWER3

Honey?

HUSBAND

Yeah?

VIEWER3

How would you feel about getting a pet?

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

David's finger is on the Talk button.

DAVID

Mikey! The graphics! Are you insane?

MIKEY

Working on it. It was a typo, I swear!

DAVID

Our producer is going to kill me.

KAREN

Melanie won't get the chance if the animal rights activists get you first.

As they talk, David's cell phone lights up with a ringtone saying, "Alert... alert... alert..." In the background, the show can still be heard. David looks at Karen.

KAREN

I see you changed the ringtone on your cell phone.

DAVID

It's not a cell phone. It's an early warning system. I really don't want to get fired again.

KAREN

Running out of networks?

DAVID

Running out of cities.

KAREN

You gonna answer that?

DAVID

I was thinking maybe it was time to promote you to director.

KAREN

Not if it means answering that call.