Telethon

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen and David are at the console for the pre show conversation. The monitor is in 4 way as they talk.

DAVID

First, I want you to know what a great job you've all been doing. Our viewer numbers are higher than ever.

KATHERINE

I sense a "but" coming somewhere.

DAVID

Well, as you know, viewers don't pay the bills, and even with Deep Sand as our sponsor, our revenue numbers are still way below what we need if we're going to keep the show alive.

LAVA MAN

Maybe we should get that Albert guy to talk to our network executives. This guy could sell anything.

EDDIE

My hero.

MELISSA

Isn't he the guy from those infomercials?

KATHERINE

Yeah, he's been on pretty much every network out there.

KAREN

And kicked off pretty much every network out there. The guy is a sleaze. I can't believe we're in bed with him. We're supposed to be helping our viewers, not ripping them off.

MELISSA

Yeah!

DAVID

You can't help anyone if you're dead.

EDDIE

Besides, he's not a sleaze. He's an entrepreneur.

KAREN

Entrepreneur? He's selling dirt!

Opening credits.

LAVA MAN

He may be selling dirt, but it's the hottest fad in the country right now.

EDDIE

And you can't accuse him of false advertising. He never really makes any claims about what it does.

KAREN

The ads say it's something that will change your life!

LAVA MAN

Technically, your life does change, from a state of not having Deep Sand to one where you do. He never says how it will change your life.

KAREN

And he's constantly coming out with new varieties. African Adventures. Exotic Islands. Ancient China. We're not just advertising dirt. We're promoting designer dirt!

EDDIE

And he's making a fortune. God, how I love this guy.

MELISSA

You admire someone who sells junk? That's not very enlightened.

EDDIE

He's not selling junk. He's selling hopes, dreams, imagination. Deep Sand isn't just some box full of dirt.

KATHERINE

Actually, that's exactly what it is. I mean, if you don't count the packaging.

EDDIE

Fair enough. But that's not why it's a national craze. People buy it because it's whatever they want it to be. The guy is brilliant!

MELISSA

And how does that help people?

EDDIE

Listen, little miss aura, aren't you the one who's always saying that you manifest what you believe?

MELISSA

People should embrace their divine destiny.

KATHERINE

You want them to manifest soil? I guess that would be okay if you were a farmer, but you'd have to dream really big.

DAVID

Be that as it may, the one thing we haven't manifested just yet is enough money to keep us on the air. We're nowhere near the numbers we need to keep from being cancelled. But it's okay. I have a plan.

KAREN

I've got a bad feeling about this.

DAVID

You're such a sissy. Everything's worked out okay so far, hasn't it?

KAREN

We're selling dirt, we're running out of bathrooms to blow up, and they're going to cancel the show at the end of the season. How is this working out?

DAVID

It's all in how you look at it. We've gone from absolutely cancelled to a fighting chance, we now have a steady, paying sponsor, and as for the bathrooms, hey, nobody's pressing charges. Things are looking up.

KAREN

Except for that pesky part about not meeting our revenue goals.

DAVID

Right. So here's what we're going to do. Our viewers love us...

KATHERINE

Thank heaven somebody does.

DAVID

...so we're going to get them to help us out of this mess. We're going to crowdsource it.

MELISSA

You mean like a public television telethon? Ew.

DAVID

If you'd like to write a check out of your book royalties to cover what the sponsor doesn't, I'll be happy to defer to your artistic sensibilities.

MELISSA

Right. Sorry.

EDDIE

So what kinds of things are we going to give out as premiums for donations?

DAVID

Thanks for volunteering. I knew we could count on you and your massive collection of merchandise.

EDDIE

Hang on, I have a lot of money invested in that stuff. You want me to just give it away?

DAVID

A lot of money? I happen to know that your merchandise cost for those DVDs is only slightly higher than Deep Sand.

MELISSA

But he sells dirt.

DAVID

Exactly. By the way, Eddie, did you ever get around to reading that section of your contract that talks about the percentage you owe the network for any sales made on your show?

EDDIE

What? Are you kidding me?

DAVID

Not in the slightest. By the way, your agent really sucks.

EDDIE

This much I know.

DAVID

You know, I've been meaning to report all the sales you make to the network so they could deduct it from your pay, but I've just been so busy lately...

EDDIE

Fine. You win. You can have whatever you want. Like people are going to donate anyway.

DAVID

I knew we could count on you.

(beat)

And Melissa...

MELISSA

Oh my god. Am I in trouble, too?

DAVID

On the contrary, you've been delightful to work with. Always dependable, always following the rules. Think you could put up a few signed copies of your books?

MELISSA

Oh. Sure, no problem!

KATHERINE

How about me? I don't really have any merchandise to contribute.

DAVID

As always, you'll be our moderator and the driving force of our effort. We'll have some show stuff like t-shirts and that sort of thing, but mostly you'll just need to keep reminding our viewers that we need their support. It's not a news broadcast, but it's just as important.

KATHERINE

I can do that.

LAVA MAN

And of course, I have my own talents to contribute...

KATHERINE

Uh, maybe you should just throw in a few books yourself.

EDDIE

Yeah. Without setting them on fire first.

DAVID

Actually, we already have a plan, one uniquely suited to his talents.

MELISSA

You're going to blow something up?

DAVID

That's exactly what we're going to do.

EVERYONE

What? Are you kidding?

DAVID

Seriously. Think about it. In broadcasting, the basics never change. Just look at the Internet. What do people want to see? Naked women. Cat videos. Explosions. We just stick to the basics.

MELISSA

You're going to film a naked woman blowing up cats?

KAREN

Don't say cat.

DAVID

That's tempting, but I have a better idea. He's going to have his viewers send in items that they'd like to blow up, along with the reasons why, and Lava Man will do the demolition. Uh, in a controlled environment, right, Lava Man?

LAVA MAN

Absolutely.

EDDIE

I don't get it.

DAVID

You of all people should get it. Weren't you just going on about how the dirt guy was selling dreams?

EDDIE

Yeah, but his product doesn't cause anyone to dial 911.

DAVID

Stop and think about it. You get a new job because the old one sucks. Then you throw a party in your back yard and burn all those stupid manuals and polo shirts the old company gave you.

MELISSA

You take all the pictures of you and your low down, cheating ex-boyfriend, douse them with gasoline, and...

Everyone stops, shocked.

MELISSA

What? I'm the only one who's had a bad relationship?

KAREN

You take that stupid printer that jams every time you try to print more than three pages, cram a stick of dynamite where the toner doesn't shine...

KATHERINE

I see where you're going with this. Give people a chance to express their frustrations in a somewhat spectacular manner.

DAVID

Exactly. Best of all, it's consistent with Lava Man's philosophy, so it'll fit right in.

EDDIE

Given the number of frustrations most people have, we won't have time for anything else on the show.

DAVID

Nah. We'll set the price ridiculously high for that premium so that only a couple of people will go for it. Still, one explosion could be worth dozens of signed books.

KAREN

Assuming there's not a Mercedes involved. Right, then. Mikey, are we ready to roll?

MIKEY

Yeah, hang on, I'm just counting my fire extinguishers.

KAREN

Oops. Sorry, David. I almost forgot what it was like when you were actually showing up for work on a regular basis. Care to drive?

DAVID

You're doing just fine. Carry on.

KAREN

Okay, Mikey, give us the intro in 5, 4, 3...

DAVID

Here we go again...