The Show Must Go On

INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT

Karen is sitting at the console looking flustered and talking on her cell phone. The second chair is empty.

KAREN

Yes ma'am, I know. But it was only a small explosion and maintenance says they'll have it cleaned up in no time.

MELANIE

Small explosion? It looks to me like it took out Studio B and half of the adjoining bathroom! What is it with you people and bathrooms, anyway?

KAREN

The plumbers say they can have that stall replaced in a couple of days. They just need to get the rest of the toilet fragments out of the ceiling. And I know there were rumors about the sink getting thrown through the wall and into the executive parking lot, but the damage to that Mercedes isn't nearly as bad as people make it out to be.

MELANIE

Rumors? That Mercedes belongs to my boss! And speaking of bosses, where the hell was yours while all of this was happening? Out getting drunk?

KAREN

(stammering)

Well, uh, ma'am, I don't think he was completely, I mean, he was working on advertising and, well, it turns out there really weren't any hookers, and...

MELANIE

What in god's name are you babbling about?

KAREN

Uh, hang on, ma'am, I have another call coming in. I'll be right back.

Opening credits.

Karen pushes a button on her cell phone.

KAREN

David? Where the hell are you? You're missing another show! And Melanie is on the other line screaming bloody murder about explosions and directors who play hooky! What should I do?

DAVID

Oh, hey, Karen. How's the show going?

KAREN

How's the show going? Did you hear what I just said?

DAVID

Yeah, yeah, screaming, explosions, got it. Listen, I'm out with Jimmy working on more advertising. If she gives you any grief, just tell her that we're working hard to hit our revenue numbers. You're the director in charge right now. Handle it.

KAREN

Handle it?

DAVID

Her bark is worse than her bite. But you probably don't want to keep her on hold for too long. Anyway, just called to say have a good show!

KAREN

Have a good show? David? Hello?

(beat)

Damn it!

Karen pushes a button on her cell phone.

KAREN

Hi, sorry about that, ma'am. That was David.

MELANIE

Out drinking again, I suppose?

Karen straightens up and puts on her best professional manner.

KAREN

No, ma'am, he's out taking care of business. He said he has several sponsor opportunities he's working and to assure you that we'll hit our revenue numbers for this season.

MELANIE

If he doesn't get us all arrested by the Department of Homeland Security first.

KAREN

Actually, I think Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has first dibs on us.

MELANIE

You're starting to sound more like a director already.

KAREN

Thank you, ma'am.

MELANIE

Wasn't a compliment.

KAREN

Yes ma'am. Listen, I should really get back to...

(beat)

Mikey, no, go to Melissa!

(beat)

Uh, I mean, we're live right now, and...

MELANIE

Well, at least someone around there has a work ethic. Tell that derelict director of yours that we'll talk later. And that it will be a lively discussion.

KAREN

Yes ma'am. Lively. Got it. Thanks.

Karen hangs up the phone and collapses back into her chair.

KAREN

Mikey, do you know where David hides the booze around this place?

MIKEY

He made me promise not to tell.

KAREN

I was kidding.

MIKEY

He wasn't.

INT. SOMEWHERE - NIGHT

A girl leans against a wall, watching the show on her cell phone. She pauses and lowers the phone to chant an affirmation to herself.

VIEWER2

Harmony with all things. I blend with all things. I am the margarita mix of life.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Sitting on the couch is VIEWER1, snacks at his side, feet propped up and watching the show on a big screen TV. In his hand is a cell phone.

VIEWER1

Harmony with all things. Okay.

He types a text message on his cell phone in a running commentary on the show between friends.

IM

Viewer1: So what do you think she means about harmony?

Friend: She must be a singer.

Viewer1: Maybe it means we should start a band.

Friend: Awesome. Think we should buy instruments?

SHOW VIEW

Lava Man is in a split screen interview, already in progress. In the lower third, the question of the day is, "How do you find gratification in everyday life?'

LAVA MAN

And that's the power of fire. You just need to learn how to tap into it, harness its energy, and make it your own.

GUEST

You mean like when you blew up that bathroom last week? Man, that was epic!

Lava Man looks up and around at the area off camera.

LAVA MAN

Yeah, well, I really thought the blast would be contained to the set, but apparently this is a really flimsy building. Our studios are in an old warehouse out back by the executive parking lot.

(beat)

I don't think our corporate masters think much of our little show.

GUEST

But that's nothing compared to the power of fire, right?

LAVA MAN

Right. So what about you - how do you apply the principle of fire to find gratification in your own life?

GUEST

Well, I spend a lot of time studying your books and making notes so that I can apply your teachings in my daily experiences. And you're right, it's incredibly liberating.

LAVA MAN

Go on.

GUEST

Like, I had this job that really sucked, you know? They were always ragging on me for being late, or not getting things done, so I quit. I mean, it was obvious that there was no intensity in that job, right?

LAVA MAN

Excellent. So you simply moved on to find your fire elsewhere.

GUEST

Yeah. And things are so much simpler now.

LAVA MAN

So how are you liking your new job?

GUEST

New job?

LAVA MAN

Yeah, you quit those guys and went to work somewhere better, right?

GUEST

Oh, hell no. I've never enjoyed working. You have to set the alarm, deal with rush hour traffic, listen to people boss you around all day, it just sucks. It's, like, not in line with my personal reality. I clearly wasn't meant to work for a living, so I just decided not to get another job.

LAVA MAN

Interesting. And how are you coping with the lack of income?

GUEST

You know, that's the best thing about your approach to life. Sure, they repossessed my car and the landlord is talking about kicking me out, but I'm really learning to embrace my inner fire. Sometimes I sit out in the back yard all night with a campfire, just meditating on it, you know?

(beat)

Although that probably would have gone better if I hadn't been so close to my neighbor's wooden fence.

(beat)

Anyway, it's given me an inner peace that I've never known before. I want to thank you, man. You're a genius.

LAVA MAN

Hey, I just do what I can to help others. It's why I was put on this planet. I'm just glad it's working out so well for you. Of course, it's important to find inspiration no matter what your situation. It helps you keep a positive outlook on things.

GUEST

Absolutely!

LAVA MAN

So, let's look a little more deeply into the symbolism of fire.

Lava Man casts a quick look left and right at the area off camera, then turns his attention back to his viewer.

LAVA MAN

How much do you know about napalm?