Episode 01

JIMMERAN GETS INTERROGATED

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

(bored and impatient)

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic... No, ma'am, we can't help you. If your vehicle keeps disappearing and reappearing, you need the Inter Dimensional Police. If it disappears and stays gone, then you can call us. Or cut back on your drinking. Whichever is easiest. Intergalactic Police, please hold.

(loudly)

Hey, Mercon! Your guest is in interrogation two. And bring me a coffee, would you?

(back to bored)

Intergalactic Police...

A door closes as MERCON MANN, a tired and world weary detective for the Intergalactic Police, walks into the interrogation room. Seated at the table is JIMMERAN ALBI, well known galactic smuggler and currently the sole salesman for Earth-based home automation company Slipper Tech.

MERCON

(weary sigh)

Ah, Jimmeran Albi, galactic smuggler extraordinaire. Looks like you pushed your luck too far this time, pal. We caught you with a fully loaded ship and not so much as an ounce of legitimate cargo.

JIMMERAN

(fast talking, trying to save himself)

No way, detective Mann. That ship's not even mine. You can check the registry...

MERCON

Forged.

JIMMERAN

and the ownership papers...

MERCON

Stolen.

JIMMERAN

I was actually just looking for a ride out of this galaxy. I'm getting tired of blending in with humans, so I thought a change of pace...

MERCON

Save it, Albi. We know you've been part of Lumenautica Cassini's crew for years. Are you forgetting last year when we had you both cornered in that asteroid bar? I'm still not sure how you gave us the slip, but just tell us where we can find her and maybe we can cut you a deal.

JIMMERAN

Lumenautica Cassini? That pirate? Are you insane? No, wait. She is! There's no way I'd work for that crew, they're way too reckless. I'm strictly independent. Er, I mean, I'm a legitimate businessman, and I certainly don't associate with the likes of her. We just happened to be in the same bar at the same time. Coincidence. Nothing more. Listen, about that deal...

MERCON

Our information says her crew is holed up on Earth and lo and behold, who do we find with a ship full of stolen cargo but Jimmy the Shimmy, notorious smuggler and known associate of the Cassini gang.

(sighs)

C'mon, Albi. I just want to wrap this up and go home. Where are they hiding out?

JIMMERAN

Seriously, I haven't seen that bunch of lunatics since the asteroid. But listen, how 'bout I tell you everything I know about this whole mess, and maybe that'll help. Then maybe we can talk immunity?

(beat)

Seriously, I don't know where the pirates are. I avoid that type. They're bad for business. But I've still got a lot of good information. And this thing with the cargo ship is all just a big misunderstanding.

MERCON

Just tell me what you know. We'll see if it's worth anything.

JIMMERAN

Sure. Okay. No problem. I never should have taken a sales job on such a backward planet in the first place, but I was trying to reform, turn a new leaf, make an honest living, you know?

MERCON

Yeah, yeah...

JIMMERAN

You want to know who the real criminals are? Never mind the pirates. You should be looking into those Slipper Tech people. They're doing some pretty shifty stuff. They've got all sorts of artificial intelligence and some pretty suspicious technology for a species that can't even fly out of their own solar system. I mean, I was supposed to be selling home automation upgrades, but it turns out it wasn't that simple...

SFX transition to flashback.

MARTY COMES HOME

EXT. FRONT PORCH - NIGHT

Crickets are chirping in the background. MARTY FREDRICK, a computer programmer, walks up the steps to the front porch of his home.

MARTY

(mumbling to himself)

The contractors said this remodeling job would be done in three months. Then it was six months. And then I end up living in a hotel for a year before they're done. Honestly, how long does it take to remodel a house for home automation? Now which one of these keys... damn, I can't see a thing in the dark. They didn't even leave the porch light on?

There's a zing and the porch light comes on.

MARTY

Okay, the porch light is automated. That's a start. Now which key...

He fumbles with his keys and then suddenly stops.

Hang on. Where's the front door? For that matter, where's any door at all? What the hell? I wait a year for them to turn this into the house of the future, and the future has no doors?

CONTROL

(A smooth, calm corporate sounding voice)

Welcome to the Home Exploration Experience, your new state of the art, enhanced living environment. Please state your full name to continue.

MARTY

For the amount of money I paid for this job you should have my full name printed in gold letters on your forehead. Who the hell are you, and what have you morons done with my front door?

CONTROL

Welcome to the Home Exploration Experience, your new state of the art, enhanced living environment. Please state your full name to continue.

MARTY

Unbelievable. My name is Martin Alfonso Frederick. Now where did you people put my front door?

There's a slight hiss as part of the wall slides away to reveal an entrance into the house.

CONTROL

Voice print confirmed. Welcome, Martin.

MARTY

Whoa. How did you do that? There's no seam or crack in the wall at all and then presto, a part of the wall just slides away to let me in? I didn't ask for that. I just hired you guys to do a home automation upgrade.

Footsteps as Marty walks into the foyer.

MARTY

So how do I close the door behind...

A slight hissing sound follows a small thunk as the door automatically closes behind him.

MARTY

...me.

CONTROL

Welcome to the Slipper Tech Home Exploration Experience. Please select from the following options. For basic operation, say one. For navigation, say two. For emergency and escape services, say three. To speak to a representative, please hold.

MARTY

What number do I say to get you to shut up?

CONTROL

I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your response. Please select from the following options. For basic operation, say one. For navigation, say two. For emergency and escape services, say three. To speak to a representative, please hold.

MARTY

Representative.

CONTROL

To direct you to the appropriate person, please select from the following options. For basic operation, say one. For navigation, say two. For emergency and escape services...

MARTY

Representative, dammit!

CONTROL

Please hold while I connect you...

MARTY CALLS SUPPORT

INT. FOYER - NIGHT

FRED

Slipper Tech customer service. My name is, uh, Fred. How may I assist you today?

MARTY

Are you kidding me? I spent enough money to finance a small revolution to get this house rewired for home automation, and when I walk through the front door I have to deal with a phone voice menu? Is this your idea of the home of the future? I can get this level of sophistication calling my credit card company!

FRED

I'll be happy to help, sir. What is the nature of your problem?

MARTY

The nature of my problem? I asked for a voice activated home automation upgrade. Your sales reps told me that my entire house would be rewired with all sorts of fancy technology and artificial intelligence so that all I'd have to do is say what I wanted, and the house would do it. That's what I paid for, and waited a year to get done by the way, and you give me "please press one to continue?" Does your menu have an option to connect my lawyers to yours?

FRED

I understand your concern sir, but there's no need to worry. That's just the demo mode, not the house's AI system. All you have to do to disable it is say, "demo off." To turn it back on, say "demo system."

MARTY

Right. So all I have to do is say, "demo off" and...

CONTROL

Demo mode terminated. Have a nice day.

MARTY

Okay, then. So what other surprises am I going to get? There was certainly no discussion with your sales rep about removing my front door. If the demo system hadn't opened...

CONTROL

Welcome to your new state of the art, enhanced living environment. Please state your full name to continue.

MARTY

Unbelievable.

CONTROL

I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your response. Please state your full name to continue.

FRED

As I mentioned, sir, saying "demo system" will reactivate demo mode.

MARTY

Demo off, dammit!

CONTROL

Demo mode terminated. Have a nice day.

MARTY

That's a pretty stupid phrase to turn the system back on. Why not something less likely to come up in normal conversation, like "initiate demo mode?"

FRED

Does "demo system" come up a lot in your conversations?

MARTY

I make a living as a software developer, so yes. Usually accompanied by some form of profanity.

FRED

You can reconfigure the system parameters anytime you like. You have mostly admin permissions.

MARTY

Mostly?

FRED

Well, some things are fully automated. After all, this is the house of the future.

MARTY

That greeted me with a menu response system from the 1980s. So if that's just the demo, er, program, how do I operate the house?

FRED

Didn't you read the manual?

MARTY

If this is the home of the future, why should I have to read a manual?

FRED

(mumbles)

Nobody ever reads the manual.

MARTY

What was that?

FRED

Sir, you ordered our most advanced system. It has a very long list of options and includes the latest experimental technologies and features to deliver a unique exploration experience. Naturally, to get the most out of your investment and avoid being stranded or injured, you should really read the full manual.

MARTY

What I ordered was a home automation system to open my doors and dim the lights, among other things. I don't want to explore my kitchen, I just want my coffee to be ready when I want it. This was supposed to be advanced voice controlled automation. What does that have to do with being stranded or injured? And what do you mean experimental? I didn't sign up to be a beta tester.

FRED

Sir, did you read the contract that the sales representative gave you when you ordered the system?

MARTY

A one inch thick document full of complicated legalese? Yeah. I may have skipped over a few sections.

FRED

(mumbles)

Nobody ever reads the contract.

MARTY

What was that?

FRED

(obviously in a rush to get him off the phone)

Sir, we're happy to have you as a new customer and would like to thank you for your business. Now that demo mode has been disabled, you merely need to speak your desires from any room in the house, and the built in AI will grant your request. If you have any further questions, please refer to the manual. Again, thank you for being a Slipper Tech customer, and have a nice day.

There's a distinct click as the call is disconnected.

MARTY

Hello? Hello? Perfect. I wonder if my living room furniture is still here or if that's been replaced by something from the 80s as well.

SFX transition to police station.

JIMMERAN INTERROGATION 2

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP Operator

(bored and impatient)

Intergalactic Police, please hold...

RFC HOOKER

(blending into the background noise)

Hey! Get your hands off of me! I'm no hooker! In my galaxy money is a perfectly normal part of the courtship ritual...

MERCON

So you sold some dumb schmuck an overpriced home automation job. A little pedestrian for the likes of you, Albi, but I don't see what that has to do with why we're here.

JIMMERAN

But see, that's just it. They're not doing home automation. Okay, well, most of the jobs are legit, but they had me looking for a certain kind of customer. See, when this Marty guy came home...

SFX transition to flashback.

MARTY MEETS ELSIE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Marty walks into the living room. There's a little zing as the lights turn on.

MARTY

Well, at least they got the automated lights right.

Marty takes a few more steps.

MARTY

Okay, this looks familiar. Couch, check. Coffee table, check. Fireplace, check. It may not be terribly futuristic, but it's better than a hotel room. Now how do I turn the music on?

Loud rock suddenly fills the room at full volume.

MARTY

Whoa! Turn it off. Turn it off! How the hell do you operate this this thing?

The music stops as suddenly as it started. His question is answered by ELSIE, a decidedly less corporate sounding voice with an upbeat but irreverent attitude.

ELSIE

Well, you might start with the standard RTFM exercise.

MARTY

RTFM?

ELSIE

Read The Manual.

MARTY

Read the...

ELSIE

The F is silent.

MARTY

Hang on, you're not the demo, er, program. Who the hell are you? And if your technology was that advanced, I wouldn't have to read the manual!

ELSIE

(mumbles)

Nobody ever reads the manual.

MARTY

What's that?

ELSIE

I said when embarking on a new relationship your expectations of a pleasurable experience are directly proportional to the degree of effort you're willing to put into initial research.

(beat)

You don't go on a lot of dates, do you?

MARTY

Dates? What does that have to do with home automation? Or manuals?

ELSIE

You do realize that you signed up to participate in the world's most advanced scientific research program for alternate reality exploration, right? Did you expect it to be as simple as clapping your hands to turn the lights on?

MARTY

Participate in what? I didn't sign up for any such research project. I ordered a home automation remodeling job, from a company who clearly doesn't have an understanding of the word deadline.

ELSIE

Says the computer programmer.

MARTY

Be that as it may, I paid you guys to refit my house with artificial intelligence and voice controlled functionality.

ELSIE

So that you could impress your dates with how futuristic you are? Oh, wait. From your calendar I see a distinct lack of any such social activities.

MARTY

Don't change the subject. And what do you mean, "research program for alternate reality exploration?" I paid for a remodeling job, not to be some tech company's guinea pig.

ELSIE

It was all outlined very clearly in your contract.

MARTY

No it wasn't!

ELSIE

Was too.

MARTY

Was not.

ELSIE

Was too.

MARTY

Was not.

ELSIE

Was too.

MARTY

Okay, stop! So you're telling me there was something in the contract that signed me up for an AI research program? Is that some kind of fancy language for beta testing?

ELSIE

(mumbles)

Nobody ever reads the contract.

MARTY

What?

ELSIE

I wouldn't say that it's completely beta. I mean, it's not like you're our first test subje... er, customer. And it's not so much AI as it is AR.

MARTY

You mean augmented reality, like those phone apps where you see images projected on top of the camera?

ELSIE

Not augmented. Alternate reality. I would think the term "exploration" would have been your first clue. You're not very quick at picking things up, are you?

MARTY

You know, for a customer service rep, you don't have a very professional attitude.

ELSIE

Customer service? Please. I could train chimpanzees to do a better job than those keyboard monkeys. I'm Elsie, your home navigation adviser.

MARTY

Adviser? Don't you mean AI system?

ELSIE

No, I mean adviser. And trust me, where we're going, you're going to need all the advice you can get. You really didn't read the contract, did you?

MARTY

Where, exactly, do you think we're going? This is a house, not a sports car. Is this really the best interface they could give me for a home automation system?

ELSIE

Home exploration experience.

MARTY

Semantics.

ELSIE

Remember you said that.

MARTY

Not sure I like the sound of that.

ELSIE

Let's try a different approach. Look out the window.

MARTY

What do you mean, look out the... Hey, where are my windows anyway? I used to have living room windows and a sliding glass door. Now it's just this long, glassy looking wall!

ELSIE

Oh. Sorry. My bad. How about now?

SFX as the wall transforms into one giant window.

MARTY

Whoa! The entire living room wall can transform into a single, transparent pane of glass?

ELSIE

Pretty cool, huh? Now look up at the ceiling.

The same SFX plays.

MARTY

A full ceiling skylight? Now that's what I'm talking about!

ELSIE

So consider this. In the vast expanses of the known universe, billions and billions of galaxies, each containing billions and billions of stars, here you are, a tiny little microscopic speck of dust on a planet that's not even the size of an atom in the grand scheme of things.

MARTY

Your point being?

ELSIE

You're surrounded by layers upon layers of things unseen, vast arrays of alternate dimensions, each with varying laws of physics that you've yet to encounter. For some, you have to leave your own reality and completely enter the new one in order to experience it. Others can exist in parallel with your own. Reality is far more complicated than you've ever imagined.

(beat)

Not to mention a bit unruly in places.

MARTY

And you would know this how?

ELSIE

Our company has invested many years and billions of dollars to come up with technology that, well, let's just say thinks outside the box.

MARTY

That's pretty vague.

ELSIE

That's proprietary intellectual property.

MARTY

That's what I paid for.

ELSIE

Not according to the NDA.

MARTY

What NDA?

ELSIE

An NDA is a nondisclosure...

MARTY

I know what an NDA is!

ELSIE

Says the guy who didn't read the contract. Or the manual.

MARTY

So you're telling me you have some sort of advanced, magical technology that can bend the laws of physics?

ELSIE

Which ones?

MARTY

The only ones there are!

ELSIE

Don't be silly. Every reality has its own laws of physics. And we've developed a system that allows you to navigate these realities.

MARTY

And how did you manage to come up with that? Did the aliens help you?

ELSIE

Of course not. They got fed up with humans after the pyramids. Besides, alien is a bit of a discriminatory term, don't you think?

MARTY

Well, the next time I meet a little green man, I'll be sure to apologize. I mean, you know, the next time I'm in an alternate reality. Or the psych ward.

ELSIE

Excellent. After all, that's what you're here to test. Er, I mean, experience.

MARTY

So what, now I'm supposed to believe in parallel dimensions and multiple universes? Please.

ELSIE

Fine. Let's get a second opinion, shall we. See that small, furry creature sitting on your coffee table?

MARTY

There is no small, furry...

A loud squeaking noise comes from the coffee table.

MARTY

Whoa! What the hell is that?