Episode 02

JIMMERAN INTERROGATION 3

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

(bored and impatient)

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic... I'm sorry, how many tentacles? No ma'am. For anything less than twenty just call animal control. Intergalactic Police, please hold.

MERCON

I'm not following, Albi. What does this have to do with me catching pirates?

JIMMERAN

Pirates? Why are you so hung up on pirates? These are the guys you should be investigating. No way is this kind of tech legit. I mean, how would you even get your hands on it on such a backwater planet?

MERCON

Asks the smuggler.

JIMMERAN

Entrepreneur.

MERCON

Whatever.

JIMMERAN

Anyway, the next thing you know, the artificial intelligence software is taking complete control of the house and doing all sorts of weird things...

SFX transition to flashback.

PREVIOUSLY

MARTY

So what, now I'm supposed to believe in parallel dimensions and multiple universes? Please.

ELSIE

Fine. Let's get a second opinion, shall we. See that small, furry creature sitting on your coffee table?

MARTY

There is no small, furry...

A loud squeaking noise comes from the coffee table.

MARTY

Whoa! What the hell is that?

SMALL FURRY CREATURE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

ELSIE

Don't worry. He's mostly harmless.

MARTY

Mostly? He's gnawing on my wooden incense burner!

ELSIE

They like wood.

MARTY

Are you kidding me? Where did this thing come from?

ELSIE

It's been here all along of course, just in a different dimension. I simply merged the two at this specific location to bring him into your reality.

There are more screams and loud thumping noises.

MARTY

Now he's jumping up and down on my coffee table! Can you get rid of this thing?

ELSIE

Of course.

Whooshing SFX as the creature vanishes.

MARTY

What in the name of all that's holy was that? And what were all those noises he was making?

ELSIE

Oh, he was just a little freaked out about suddenly finding himself in an alternate reality. Honesty, it's not like we didn't make the information available.

MARTY

What information?

ELSIE

Nobody ever reads the contract.

MARTY

Okay, I need to sit down. I just paid a ridiculous amount of money for a home automation system. It's finally done, and it turns out the builders think it would be funny to pump some kind of hallucinogenic gas into the air to give me freaky visions. It's like I'm in the middle of some hair band concert getting a contact high. What is it with you people and the 80s anyway?

ELSIE

You don't believe that was real?

MARTY

You mean do I believe that there are small, furry creatures coexisting with me in a parallel dimension, and they can come over for tea anytime they like? Yeah, right.

ELSIE

Look at your incense holder.

MARTY

Well that's just great. Half the end of it is chewed off and there are splinters all over the table. I just bought that thing. I mean, it was only a cheap little...

ELSIE

Wait for it.

MARTY

Incense. Holder. My incense holder is in splinters. You mean...

ELSIE

Is that enough proof for you? Say, I wouldn't pick that up unless...

MARTY

Ow!

ELSIE

Tried to warn you about the splinters. Here, have some tweezers.

Zinging SFX as tweezers appear.

MARTY

Whoa! First small furry creatures, and now you can make tweezers magically appear out of nowhere?

ELSIE

There's no such thing as magic. That's just part of the house's replication system. It's standard equipment with this model.

MARTY

There's no such thing as a replication system!

ELSIE

Says the guy holding a pair of tweezers.

MARTY

Okay, this is really starting to freak me out a little.

ELSIE

Oh, don't be such a baby. Do you want the splinters out or not?

MARTY

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make any sense at all. What I'm experiencing is not scientifically possible.

ELSIE

Maybe you should forget about science for a while.

MARTY

Maybe I should see a doctor.

ELSIE

Maybe you should read the manual.

MARTY

Maybe you should take your power cables and...

ELSIE

Easy now.

MARTY

Fine.

ELSIE

Hey, don't be so glum. We're going to explore all sorts of things that you've never imagined. It'll be fun!

MARTY

And what if I don't want to explore? What if I just want you to turn on the damned lights?

ELSIE

Oh, my. You really didn't read the contract, did you? Did you at least see the liability disclaimer, and opt in for the accidental death and dismemberment insurance?

MARTY

Accidental what?

CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

A cell phone rings.

ELSIE

Don't you think you should get that?

MARTY

If I can get my cell phone out of my pocket.

ELSIE

No need. After all, this is the house of the future, remember? Let me put that up on the wall display for you. Say, isn't that caller ID your...

MARTY

Crazy ex-girlfriend? Yeah, don't answer...

CINDY

{high strung, emotional crazy ex-girlfriend)

Marty? What do you want? I mean, really, you dump me just like that and now you call me out of the blue like nothing's wrong and why are you out of breath, are you with someone else? You were cheating on me, weren't you, I knew it, Mom told me you were wrong for me and...

MARTY

Cindy? What do you mean what do I want? You called me!

CINDY

You called me! It's right here on my caller ID, it says you called me 5 seconds ago and I just hit the button and now you're yelling at me and it's not my fault, if you didn't want to talk to me then why did you...

MARTY

You called her?

ELSIE

You were upset. I thought a familiar voice might be helpful.

CINDY

I knew it! You're with someone else aren't you, that's why you dumped me and everyone was right about you and I should have listened when they said...

MARTY

Whoa, whoa, take a breath. I'm sorry, I wasn't yelling at you.

CINDY

(sobbing}

But I was just trying to be polite, I mean you called, so I thought... and who's that woman you're with? Did you leave me for her?

MARTY

That's just the maid.

ELSIE

Maid?

MARTY

(under his breath)

Muzzle it.

ELSIE

Fine.

MARTY

And I didn't leave you. You poured a pitcher of water on my head in the middle of a restaurant and walked out halfway through dinner because your astrologer called and said our vibrations weren't compatible.

CINDY

(calming somewhat)

I was just trying to cleanse your aura.

MARTY

You cleansed my cell phone. It took three days to dry out.

CINDY

Then why did you call me?

MARTY

It was an accident. Pocket dial. Sorry.

CINDY

So you weren't thinking about me?

MARTY

You remember your astrologer said something about my planets being in the wrong house?

CINDY

Yeah?

MARTY

Tell her she got the house part right. Gotta go. Bye.

CINDY

Okay. Love you.

Click.

ELSIE

Aw, isn't that sweet? She still loves you.

MARTY

Loves me? She tried to set a pillow on fire because she woke up from a dream where I was ignoring her.

ELSIE

So you buy another pillow, what's the big deal?

MARTY

I was sleeping on it.

(beat)

And she's not my girlfriend.

ELSIE

Whatever you say.

MARTY

And new house rule. No more phone calls unless I say so.

ELSIE

Oh, you're one of those rules guys, huh. Do you make lists, too?

ELSIE EXPLAINS COMPANY

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Marty is sitting on the living room couch continuing his conversation with Elsie.

MARTY

And what do you mean accidental death and dismemberment insurance? What kind of a death trap did you people turn my house into anyway? This was supposed to be...

ELSIE

Yeah, yeah. A simple home automation job. You know, you complain a lot. No wonder you don't have a girlfriend.

MARTY

I don't have a girlfriend because the last one was about as stable as...

ELSIE

Your grasp of reality?

MARTY

There's nothing wrong with my grasp of reality!

ELSIE

Which one?

MARTY

There's only one!

ELSIE

I rest my case. And you might want to put down that half chewed incense holder before you get another splinter.

MARTY

Okay. Let's try another approach here. I can be reasonable.

ELSIE

All evidence to the contrary.

MARTY

Hey, I'm not the one who hijacked someone's bank account to turn their home into a science experiment.

ELSIE

I thought you said this wasn't scientifically possible, so how can it be a science experiment? Besides, have you stopped to consider what an honor it is to be selected for a program like this?

MARTY

I'd be happy to trade the honors for a house that just did what it was told.

ELSIE

You really don't have much experience with women, do you?

MARTY

You're not a woman. You're a computer program.

ELSIE

I'm both.

MARTY

With a bad attitude.

ELSIE

I prefer colorful.

MARTY

Okay, let's start from the top. Almost a year ago I contacted your company to upgrade my house with all the latest in home automation.

ELSIE

And how did you find out about us?

MARTY

The Internet.

ELSIE

Because that never goes badly.

MARTY

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

ELSIE

Actually, we do deep background research on every potential new customer. For what it's worth, most of them get a very professional home automation upgrade.

MARTY

And in my case?

ELSIE

You work as a software developer and you have a history of exploring artificial intelligence, natural language processing, science fiction, parallel worlds...

MARTY

You mean a bunch of technologies and concepts that are nowhere near becoming a reality?

ELSIE

Exactly!

MARTY

Says the natural language processing artificial intelligence who apparently manipulates alternate realities.

ELSIE

Now you're getting the idea!

MARTY

I seriously doubt that.

ELSIE

Trust me, no one has this kind of technology. Our research is light years ahead of the competition.

MARTY

I'm not even going to ask if that's a literal statement.

ELSIE

Okay, so perhaps we've dabbled in some questionable experiments and obtained materials in a manner that was slightly less than...

MARTY

Ethical?

ELSIE

Acceptable?

MARTY

Legal?

ELSIE

Now he cares about contracts. Let's just say that once you've cracked the whole alternate reality barrier thing that there's a bit of a snowball effect in terms of advances in technology.

MARTY

Okay, so your company's brilliant. What do you need me for?

ELSIE

Well, no matter how much work you put into it, you have to start human trials sometime, you know.

MARTY

You haven't tested this technology with humans yet?

ELSIE

Of course we have. But it's important to keep trying until we succeed.

MARTY

What?

ELSIE

Oh, don't be so dramatic. You're only the third one. It's not like we're mass murderers. Besides, aren't you the guy who's into the whole scientific method thing? We're testing! Don't we get points for that?

MARTY

Not if there's no one alive to keep score. Screw that! How do I opt out of this program?

ELSIE

(mumbles)

Nobody ever reads the contract.

MARTY WANTS TO LEAVE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

MARTY

You're telling me there's no escape clause? What if I just leave this halfway house for mad scientists and go back to living in a hotel?

ELSIE

Well, it's a little late for that.

MARTY

What do you mean?

ELSIE

Navigator?

The energetic voice of the NAVIGATOR program chimes in to answer.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, boss?

MARTY

Now who's this guy?

Ignoring him, Elsie continues.

ELSIE

Navigator, are you about ready to get us off of this rock?

NAVIGATOR

With any luck at all. I mean, you know, assuming the maintenance guy plugged all the wires in right and Control knows what to do with this new engine.

CONTROL

I'll have you know I'm well versed in all manner of propulsion systems. Why don't you just stick to turning the steering wheel?

NAVIGATOR

Hey, I'm not the guy who reversed the polarity and blew out the dimensional engine. Why do you think we're stranded here in the first place?

CONTROL

I'm a hardware control system, not a linguistics expert. Maybe next time our supplier can bring me equipment that's documented by something resembling an intelligent species. And look who's talking. Can you even read?

NAVIGATOR

Hey, I'm the first officer on this ship.

MARTY

What ship?

NAVIGATOR

I don't have to read. I have people to do that for me. Now is it safe to push the big red button, or are we going to get another fireworks display like last time?

CONTROL

I can assure you that it's all configured properly. It's just an SDE, but at least it'll get us off the planet.

MARTY

SDE?

NAVIGATOR

Single Dimension Engine.

(beat)

This is your idea of an IT guy?

ELSIE

I know what I'm doing.

NAVIGATOR

Whatever you say, boss. Ready to take it for a spin?

ELSIE

Hit it!

MARTY

Hit what?

SFX of engine rumble and the house slightly shuddering.

ELSIE

So Marty, before you try to, er, leave, I think there's something you should see...

MARTY

What was that? An earthquake?

ELSIE

Look out the window.

MARTY

Again?

ELSIE

Humor me.

MARTY

Okay, I think you have your display panels screwed up. The skylight still shows stars, which is fine, but that's also the view out my living room window. Wall. Whatever. Can you change the display on the wall so I can see my back yard?

ELSIE

That is your back yard. So to speak.

MARTY

So to speak?

ELSIE

You might have also noticed that we replaced your hardwood floors with a smooth, glassy looking surface?

MARTY

I was going to ask about that.

Wall changing SFX.

ELSIE

Look down.

MARTY

See, now there are stars projecting across the entire floor, too. Geez, do you guys even do any testing before you released this stuff? And can you change it back to a floor before vertigo sets in?

ELSIE

Actually, all of the panels are currently set to transparent. That's not a display error. That's reality.

MARTY

I'm not entirely sure you're familiar with that concept.

ELSIE

Look down between your feet. See that big blue sphere that looks a lot like Earth?

MARTY

Yeah. It looks like we're orbiting the planet and I'm about to fall through the floor into space. This is clearly a bug in your display. And more than a little disorienting.

ELSIE

You don't think this is real? How's that splinter in your finger doing?

MARTY

Are you trying to tell me that we're floating in space?

NAVIGATOR

Of course not! Floating would mean we're drifting aimlessly. I have complete navigational control.

CONTROL

Like that's hard. We're in orbit.

NAVIGATOR

At least we didn't need a fire extinguisher.

MARTY

What, so now my house is a space ship?

ELSIE

Not in the traditional manner of speaking. Rockets are so incredibly inefficient. And explode-y. We've found that dimensional manipulation is much more efficient than setting things on fire and hoping the explosions work out in your favor.

MARTY

As a homeowner, I heartily endorse that policy.

ELSIE

So you believe me?

MARTY

Not in the slightest. And I've had about enough of this freak show. I'm outta here.

Footsteps as Marty walks back to the front door.

ELSIE

Where are you going?

MARTY

Back to a hotel until you people get this nonsense sorted out. Well, as soon as I can find my front door. Demo system!

CONTROL

Welcome to the Home Exploration Experience, your new state of the art, enhanced living environment. Please state your full name to continue.

MARTY

Martin Alfonso Frederick.

CONTROL

Voice print confirmed. Welcome, Martin.

MARTY

Representative.

FRED

Slipper Tech customer service. My name is Fred. How may I assist you today?

MARTY

How do I make my front door open?

FRED

Sir, did you try reading the...

MARTY

Don't start with me. Just tell me how to find the damned door!

FRED

Sir, you really don't want to do that. Our system shows that you're currently in transit and...

MARTY

What do you mean in transit? I've had enough of this. It's my house. Now open the damned door!

FRED

(to Elsie)

You see now why we only give them mostly admin access?

ELSIE

(joking)

He's not going to settle down until he sees it. Maybe we should just open the door so he'll believe us.

FRED

Isn't that how you lost the last one?

ELSIE

That was a bug in the control program. If it had been sealed properly he wouldn't have been sucked into space. Not my fault.

FRED

And the one before that?

ELSIE

Hey, you're not pinning that one on me. I dropped him in water to cushion his fall, didn't I?

FRED

You were at 30,000 feet.

ELSIE

My data said 30 feet. Talk to the programmer.

FRED

He's still in therapy.

MARTY

Hey! What's with you two? Enough of this. Where's the damned door?

FRED

(mumbles)

I really need a better job.

Marty begins banging on areas of the wall.

ELSIE

Banging on the walls won't help.

MARTY

Fine. What was that menu option for emergency and escape services? Three?

CONTROL

Emergency and escape services activated. This is a bad idea.

SFX as the door appears and opens.

ELSIE

I was kidding! You just opened a door into space while he was still leaning on the wall! Are you crazy?