Episode 03

PREVIOUSLY

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

MARTY

Hey! What's with you two? Enough of this. Where's the damned door?

FRED

(mumbles)

I really need a better job.

Marty begins banging on areas of the wall.

ELSIE

Banging on the walls won't help.

MARTY

Fine. What was that menu option for emergency and escape services? Three?

CONTROL

Emergency and escape services activated. This is a bad idea.

SFX as the door appears and opens.

ELSIE

I was kidding! You just opened a door into space while he was still leaning on the wall! Are you crazy?

MARTY IN SPACE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

NAVIGATOR

The environmental barrier was already engaged. He only fell 20 feet. Look. See, he's just bouncing on the interior of the force field. Perfectly fine. You're so emotional.

ELSIE

Am not.

NAVIGATOR

Are too.

ELSIE

Am not.

MARTY

(from a distance)

Hey! Could the two of you quit arguing long to reel me in before I get hit by an asteroid or something? Get me back in the damned house!

ELSIE

See? Now he wants to be in the house. Told you so.

FRED

One out of three is a statistically unimpressive track record. Have a nice day.

SFX click of phone hanging up.

CONTROL

Tractor beam engaged.

ELSIE

Seriously? You're going to get all starship on me? Just contract the field and bounce him back through the front door.

CONTROL

You never let me have any fun.

There's a rubber band sound effect as Marty is popped back through the door, landing on the floor with the door closing behind him. His breathing is fast and heavy.

ELSIE

Demo off.

CONTROL

Fine.

MARTY

What is wrong with you people! What the hell was that?

ELSIE

Exactly what I told you it was.

MARTY

Where's my car? For that matter, where's my front yard? Or the rest of the block?

ELSIE

You should really park in the garage. The street's not safe.

MARTY

Your company's not safe! Was I really just floating in space?

ELSIE

Of course not. You were reclining in the relaxing comfort of the extended environmental safety barrier. Our engineers worked very hard to make it as soft and impact tolerant as possible. The bouncy part was my idea.

MARTY

To keep from dropping anyone else out the front door at 30,000 feet?

ELSIE

Well it worked, didn't it?

MARTY

This time, anyway. At least according to your support person.

ELSIE

He's so judgmental. I can't help it if customer satisfaction reflects on his annual performance reviews.

MARTY

And what's with the demo system? It sounded like it had a...

CONTROL

Welcome to the Home Exploration Experience...

ELSIE

Demo off!

CONTROL

Don't blame me. I told you it was a bad idea.

MARTY

...personality.

CONTROL

Of course I have a personality. I'm not just some mindless menu. I'm the hardware control system. You can call me Control. Demo is just a side gig.

ELSIE

(under her breath)

More like an operating system with delusions of grandeur.

CONTROL

Just because the programmers like you better...

ELSIE

Hey, just don't forget who's in charge here.

MARTY

Both of you, enough! And this is my house. If anyone's in charge, it's me.

CONTROL

He really didn't read the contract, did he?

ELSIE

Nobody ever reads the contract.

SFX transition to police station.

JIMMERAN INTERROGATION 4

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

(bored and impatient)

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold.

RMC CAR THIEF

(blending into the background)

It said, "to protect and serve" right there on the side of that police cruiser. I thought it was a free armored taxi. How is that grand theft auto? Hey, let go of me!

IGP OPERATOR

(bored and impatient)

Intergalactic Police... Sir, the front lot is not an amusement park... No sir, there are no tickets for laser canon rides, those are actually real... Hello? Hello?

(beat)

Not again.

(loudly)

Cleanup on aisle three!

(back to bored and impatient)

Intergalactic police, please hold.

MERCON

If you're talking about the incident with the replicator, that's why we sent a cruiser. You know that technology's banned on Earth.

JIMMERAN

For all the good that did. And it was the Earth guy who told them how to avoid it. How weird is that, huh? I'm telling you, these Slipper Tech guys were clearly up to no good.

SFX transition to flashback.

DODGING THE POLICE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

NAVIGATOR

Hey, I don't want to break up the fun here, but I thought I should mention that there's an Intergalactic Police cruiser passing Pluto and coming straight for Earth.

ELSIE

Again?

MARTY

Intergalactic what? There's no such thing!

NAVIGATOR

(taking Marty literally)

Excellent! I'm sure once you stick your head out the window to explain that they'll just disappear and we can be on our way.

CONTROL

How can someone in charge of navigating a starship be so naïve?

ELSIE

Trust me, the IGP is real. And always poking their noses into other people's business. Navigator, can we outrun them?

NAVIGATOR

In a modified three bedroom Earth house with no dimensional engine? You'd have better odds betting against the house in an asteroid casino. No way. And they just passed Saturn.

(beat)

They seem highly motivated.

ELSIE

Control, you're the one who's always saying you should be running one of those galaxy class starships. Any bright ideas?

CONTROL

The navigator's got it right this time. We're orbiting the planet in a small Earth dwelling with limited propulsion. It's not designed to outrun an IGP cruiser.

MARTY

Then why don't you just let my house go back to being a house so I can get on with my life?

ELSIE

You know, that's not half bad...

MARTY

What?

CONTROL

You can't be serious.

ELSIE

Navigator!

NAVIGATOR

On it!

CONTROL

You're going to try a high speed landing in this piece of...

SFX of whooshing and a loud thump as the house rapidly descends from orbit and lands roughly back on Marty's property.

NAVIGATOR

Evasive maneuvers complete.

CONTROL

Did we land or were we shot down?

NAVIGATOR

If you think you could put this collection of sheetrock and software down in any better shape...

ELSIE

Enough, you two! Navigator, where are they now?

NAVIGATOR

They just hit Earth orbit. They're scanning...

ELSIE

Control! Power down the engines! Maybe they won't pick up our signature.

SFX of engines quickly powering down.

CONTROL

Done.

ELSIE

(loud whisper)

Everybody quiet!

MARTY

There are eight billion people on this planet. You really think they're going to...

NAVIGATOR, CONTROL AND ELSIE

(loud whisper)

Quiet!

MARTY

(whisper)

Okay, fine.

NAVIGATOR

(whisper)

Wait...

ELSIE

Navigator?

NAVIGATOR

They just blew out of orbit hot and heavy, headed straight towards the sun.

ELSIE

(surprised)

You mean it worked?

Hailing SFX with a bit of static as a video call comes in on the wall.

CONTROL

There's an incoming call on the main view screen.

JIMMERAN

Hey, guys. Close call, eh?

ELSIE

Jimmy? Where are you? I thought the office video systems were down until the maintenance guy replaced some part he was tracking down.

MARTY

That's the con artist that roped me into this deal! Hey! I want my money back!

JIMMERAN

Oh hey, Marty. How's it going? Love to catch up, but I'm a little busy right...

SFX of ray guns blasting a ship come over the video call.

ELSIE

Jimmy! Are you okay?

JIMMERAN

Sure, no biggie. I'm actually not at the office today. I'm out by Mercury. I just set off a few class nine explosions to get the IGP's attention.

SFX of another blast rocking Jimmeran's ship.

JIMMERAN

Looks like I got it. Nothing to worry about, this little ship can take anything those knuckle draggers can throw at it. Besides, I've got a DE, and they don't. Catch up later, gotta run!

SFX static as video call terminates.

NAVIGATOR

Okay, now Jimmy's ship is shooting past the sun. The IGP's having a hard time keeping up. Wow, that little ship can move.

ELSIE

What do you expect in his line of work?

MARTY

Salespeople have spaceships?

NAVIGATOR

They're almost to the other end of the solar system. And, wait for it...

MARTY

Wait for what?

NAVIGATOR

Poof. He's gone. Yep, the cruiser's just sitting there. Probably wondering how they're going to explain this to their...

(beat)

No, wait. Yeah, they just beat a path clear out of the solar system at high speed. I think we've seen the last of them for a while.

ELSIE

Go, Jimmy!

MARTY

What's a DE? Is anyone going to explain...

NAVIGATOR

Dimensional Engine.

CONTROL

Jimmeran hit the DE and bounced out of the dimension. To the IGP it would look like he just vanished. I guess technically he did, depending on your dimensional perspective.

MARTY

Jimmer-what? And why does a fast talking salesman have a spaceship?

NAVIGATOR

Jimmeran? He's no sales...

Elsie clears her throat.

NAVIGATOR

So, where to now, boss?

ELSIE

Control, we hit the ground pretty hard. Are the systems still okay?

CONTROL

Hard? More like dropping an anvil on a pile of anvils. And then dropping a building on it.

NAVIGATOR

Maybe you'd rather explain to the IGP why we hotwired a house into a ship and were trying to leave orbit of a planet not cleared for intergalactic travel?

ELSIE

Control!

CONTROL

Yeah, yeah. All systems functional. You landed on his back fence, but I guess that's not going to matter much.

MARTY

You trashed my fence?

ELSIE

Navigator, get us out of here before those yahoos decide to backtrack and look again.

NAVIGATOR

Gotcha, boss. Marty might want to fasten his seat belt.

MARTY

There aren't any seatbelts!

ELSIE

Oops. My bad. Hit it!

NAVIGATOR

We're outta here.

SFX as the ship powers back up and leaves the planet.

NAVIGATOR

Okay, back in orbit. Where to?

CONTROL

Anywhere but here.

MARTY

Don't I get a vote on this?

ELSIE, CONTROL, NAVIGATOR

No.

SFX transition to police station.

JIMMERAN INTERROGATION 5

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

(bored and impatient)

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please... You saw what? No sir, it's only illegal if they're wearing clothes. But I'd still recommend putting your livestock in a barn for the time being and avoiding open pastures. Intergalactic Police...

MERCON

Here, Albi. Have some coffee.

JIMMERAN

Thanks, Merc. That's decent of you.

MERCON

So you were saying?

JIMMERAN

Right. So that's when the Interdimensional Police got involved.

MERCON

The IDP? Why would they care about pirates in our jurisdiction?

JIMMERAN

Ever hear of Joxawana Jo?

MERCON

The IDP detective who took down three pirate ships with an ancient Sardonian clipper and no backup? I'm not sure she even exists. I think she's just a scary story the police tell to keep pirates up at night.

JIMMERAN

Oh, she's real alright. I once, er, heard of some pirates who had a run in with her and were lucky to get out with all four of their skins intact. She's relentless. You know the story...

MERCON

Yeah, yeah. Everyone's heard that story. She was the captain of a high end cargo ship that got taken by pirates, so she joined the IDP to get revenge. Or her ship back. Depends on who you ask.

JIMMERAN

Pretty sure it's both. But apparently she was following the IGP cruiser that missed the Slipper Tech ship.

MERCON

Everyone knows Jox is obsessed with pirates, so why would she care about a three bedroom house that got hacked into a ship?

JIMMERAN

Because I heard through the grapevine that the head of Slipper Tech was trying to get his hands on a dimensional engine. And the only people who trade in that kind of black market stuff are...

MERCON

Pirates.

JIMMERAN

Right.

MERCON

So Jox was tailing Slipper Tech hoping it would lead her to pirates?

JIMMERAN

Yeah. And I wouldn't want Joxawana Jo on my tail, pirate or not.

SFX transition to flashback.

JOX FINDS ELSIE

INT. DP109 - SPACE

SFX distinctive rumble and radio noise of the Interdimensional Police cruiser DP109.

Aboard are the crusty IDP detective and renowned pirate hunter JOXAWANA JO and her rookie cop partner TIMOTHY NIRVEE.

JOX

Look, kid, I didn't want a partner in the first place, so when things get hot just stay out of the way and maybe you won't get vaporized.

TIMOTHY

Sure thing, detective.

JOX

And no need to salute. Just call me Jox. The latitudes know I've been called worse.

TIMOTHY

Right, detect..., er, Jox.

JOX

Now look at the beacon trail and tell me if it's faded out yet. I managed to slip a marker onto that Intergalactic cruiser when they were docked having a few drinks, but the residue doesn't last forever.

TIMOTHY

It's still strong and it looks like it goes almost to the star of this solar system.

(beat)

Wow, pretty rings.

JOX

They call it Saturn. Skip the sightseeing and just keep your eyes on the readout, Timmy.

TIMOTHY

Actually, I prefer Timothy.

JOX

And I prefer to work alone.

TIMOTHY

Timmy it is.

JOX

Okay, we're getting close to the third planet...

(beat)

What in the name of the 12 latitudes is that?

TIMOTHY

Doesn't look like any ship I've ever seen.

JOX

It looks like someone's home is drifting in space.

TIMOTHY

Can't be a ship, then. I'll keep looking.

JOX

(sighs)

They always send me the rookies. Timmy, if you were a pirate, would you fly around in a big, obvious gunship, maybe with "Yo, ho, ho, I'm a pirate" painted on the side?

TIMOTHY

Well, uh, I mean...

JOX

That's got to be her! She's the most devious and creative pirate captain of any dimension I've ever worked in. And this is exactly how she's given me the slip, more times than I'd care to remember. Always coming up with the unexpected!

TIMOTHY

You mean that thing can fly?

JOX

It can probably do more than that, so look alive, Timmy boy, or we're both likely to get roasted.

TIMOTHY

Understood. So should I power up the weapons systems?

JOX

I'll pretend you didn't ask that.

TIMOTHY

Weapons it is.

JOX

Intrusive hailing, all frequencies.

TIMOTHY

What's intrusive hailing? They didn't cover that at the academy.

JOX

That's because it's a little something I had installed myself. It'll blast our message into every part of their ship whether they want to hear it or not.

TIMOTHY

How did you manage that?

JOX

Mechanics who work for pirates and don't want to get arrested can be very creative.

TIMOTHY

Right. Intrusive frequencies open.

GIVING JOX THE SLIP

INT. LIVING ROOM - SPACE

ELSIE

(impatient and anxious)

What are you waiting for, Navigator? Push the button and get us out of orbit before that IGP cruiser decides we look like a donut shop and comes back for a visit!

NAVIGATOR

Uh, boss...

ELSIE

(impatient)

What? Seriously, how hard is it to put this thing in gear?

NAVIGATOR

I've got a really strange reading coming up on the short range scan. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was an IDP...

Suddenly a message echoes through every speaker in the house.

JOX

Lumenautica Cassini, you're under arrest! Power down and prepare to be boarded!

CONTROL

Not this nut job again.

ELSIE

Jox? That's insane! I thought we ditched her a long time ago!

NAVIGATOR

She appears to be significantly un-ditched. Evasive maneuvers?

ELSIE

In this thing? Are you kidding me?

NAVIGATOR

Open to suggestions here. Hey, chief engineer, got any more bright ideas?

MARTY

Why is he calling me that? And who's this Jox person, and all this stuff about being under arrest? What the hell's going on here?

CONTROL

Maybe now's not the best moment for story time.

ELSIE

You think?

Another message blasts throughout the house.

JOX

Lumenautica Cassini, this is the Interdimensional Police. You are surrounded. We have a battalion of cruisers parked at every possible dimensional portal you can jump to.

TIMMY

(barely heard in the background)

A battalion? Where? I don't see anything?

JOX

(whispers)

Pipe down, Timmy! They'll hear you!

JOX

Lumenautica Cassini, this is the Interdimensional Police. Power down and prepare to be boarded.

MARTY

And who's this luminescent casing person they're talking about? Why are they bothering us?

NAVIGATOR

Not luminescent. Lumenautica. Lumenautica Cassini. Honestly, don't you keep up with the news? She runs the most notorious pirate gang in a hundred and seventeen dimensions. Everybody knows that. How can you not know that? This whack job of a detective keeps chasing us because for some reason she thinks that's who we are. Do I look like a pirate to you?

MARTY

You don't look like anything to me. You're all a bunch of lunatic computer programs.

NAVIGATOR

Exactly!

MARTY

So why don't you just talk to this detective and explain it?

CONTROL

Does she seem like she's equipped with an overabundance of reason to you?

MARTY

Good point.

CONTROL

I believe the phrase, "trigger happy" wouldn't be wildly out of line here.

NAVIGATOR

You're not kidding. She just powered up every weapon she's got.

(beat)

The IDP has Vaporizers? How is that legal?

ELSIE

Guys, can we focus? We need to get out here! Control, can you buy us some time?

CONTROL

I'll give it a try, but I don't know if she'll buy it. Opening all frequencies.

(beat)

Welcome to the Slipper Tech Home Exploration Experience. Please select from the following options. For basic operation, say one. For navigation, say two. For emergency and escape services, say three. To speak to a representative, please hold.

JOX

What the...

CONTROL

I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your response. Please select from the following options. For basic operation, say one. For navigation, say two. For emergency and escape services, say three. To speak to a representative, please hold.

JOX

Uh, representative?

FRED

Slipper Tech customer service. My name is Fred. How may I assist you today?

JOX

What the hell is Slipper Tech? Where's Lumenautica Cassini? Put her on right now!

FRED

I'll be happy to help, ma'am. What is the nature of your problem?

JOX

The nature of my problem? Who are you?

FRED

I'm the technical support representative for Slipper Tech, a unique home automation provider. For more information about our innovative voice controlled household appliances, please visit our website or follow us on social media.

JOX

Social what?

ELSIE

(whisper)

Navigator, can you jam Fred and make it sound like he's breaking up?

NAVIGATOR

(whisper)

Done.

ELSIE

(whisper)

Control, power off everything. I mean everything! Shut us down with a timed reboot. Don't you have an automated crash report recording? Play it, then kill the systems.

CONTROL

(quietly – control can't whisper)

Everything?

ELSIE

(impatient hoarse whisper)

Yes! Everything! Was I unclear? Absolutely everything! Do it now!

CONTROL

(quietly)

Uh, Marty, you might want to hold your breath...

MARTY

(whisper)

Hold my what?

CONTROL

(full volume)

Internal error encountered. 4. 6. 9. 7. 5. Incompatible environment for current operations. Unrecoverable system shutdown. Goodbye.

SFX as house abruptly powers down.

JOX

What? Hello?

DEAD HOUSE

INT. DP109 - SPACE

SFX distinctive rumble and radio noise of the Interdimensional Police cruiser DP109.

TIMOTHY

I've lost the signal. It fizzed out and then the entire thing went dark. I think it lost primary power.

JOX

Try again, dammit!

TIMOTHY

It's no good. There's nothing there but a lump of organic materials. I don't detect any power source at all, not so much as a photon.

JOX

What the hell?

TIMOTHY

Are you sure this is a pirate ship, ma'am? I mean, it sounds like some kind of space station with automated systems.

JOX

I've never seen a station quite like that before. And don't call me ma'am.

TIMOTHY

Yes ma'am. I mean, detective. Er, Jox.

JOX

Could I have been wrong about this? I was sure that IGP cruiser was on the trail of Cassini's crew.

TIMOTHY

Well, the trail actually continues on from here and then passes out the other side of the star. And from the looks of it they were in one heck of a hurry when they left. Maybe she was here and gave them the slip? And the IGP is chasing them? Maybe?

JOX

Aaarrrrgh! Not again! How many times is she going to get away from me?

TIMOTHY

Uh, what should we do about the house floating in space?

JOX

Who cares? If it was Lumenautica's crew they'd be dead by now.

TIMOTHY

Why's that?

JOX

When the ship died, it took life support with it. If there really was anyone on board, they wouldn't live long. Now put this thing in overdrive and follow that IGP trail!