Episode 04

PREVIOUSLY

ELSIE

(whisper)

Control, power off everything. I mean everything! Shut us down with a timed reboot. Don't you have an automated crash report recording? Play it, then kill the systems.

CONTROL

(quietly)

Everything?

ELSIE

(impatient hoarse whisper)

Yes! Everything! Was I unclear? Absolutely everything! Do it now!

CONTROL

(quietly)

Uh, Marty, you might want to hold your breath...

MARTY

(whisper)

Hold my what?

CONTROL

(full volume)

Internal error encountered. 4. 6. 9. 7. 5. Incompatible environment for current operations. Unrecoverable system shutdown. Goodbye.

SFX as house abruptly powers down.

TIMOTHY

What about the house floating in space?

JOX

Who cares? If it was Lumenautica's crew they'd be dead by now.

ELSIE COMES CLEAN

INT. LIVING ROOM - SPACE

SFX power up sequence as house comes back online.

CONTROL

Engines online. Communications online. Life support online. System restart complete.

MARTY

(exhaling loudly)

Are you people crazy? You shut down life support! Some of us actually need to breath, you know.

ELSIE

Would you rather be floating through space trying to gather up all of your scattered atoms after that lunatic blew us out of the sky?

MARTY

Well, no, but...

ELSIE

But what? That crazy IDP detective thinks we're pirates, and she has a bad history with those people. She wasn't going to arrest us. She was going to vaporize us! I may just be a computer program, but I'm philosophically opposed to that sort of thing. Aren't you?

MARTY

Well, yeah, but...

NAVIGATOR

I can't believe we got away with playing dead twice in the same day.

MARTY

Night. It's night. In fact, it's really late at night by now. At least for those of use still operating on Earth Standard Time.

CONTROL

Would you like me to read you a bedtime story?

MARTY

Actually, what I'd really like right about now are some answers. I think I've been a pretty good sport so far about the whole kidnapping and nearly being vaporized thing.

ELSIE

Fair enough. What would you like to know?

MARTY

I'm not even sure where to start. You turned my house into a spaceship, stole it, nearly got me killed, then nearly killed me, and now we're on the run from two different police forces. Do you have anything that even remotely resembles a plan here, or are you just making it up as you go along?

NAVIGATOR

But that's her super power!

CONTROL

Not helping.

ELSIE

Okay, sure, things could have gone a little more smoothly.

MARTY

Like when you decided to detach my house from the ground without asking me?

ELSIE

Sure. I mean, you know, if you're going to get all hung up on manners. But I really needed this house, and we need you, too.

MARTY

Me? To do what?

CONTROL

You may as well tell him. He's not going to shut up until you do.

MARTY

Hey!

ELSIE

Okay, fine.

(beat)

We're not from around here.

MARTY

(flatly)

You don't say.

ELSIE

You don't seem too surprised.

MARTY

I make a living working with science and technology. None of the things you've done are even remotely possible. And yet, I've seen it with my own eyes. So, the only reasonable possibility is exactly that. You're not from around here. So what are you, some kind of artificial intelligence or high tech software that an alien culture left behind the last time they were in the neighborhood?

ELSIE

Well...

CONTROL

Just tell him.

ELSIE

We're not exactly computer programs.

MARTY

Well you don't have arms and legs.

ELSIE

(mildly indignant)

There's more than one way to define life, you know.

MARTY

At this point I'm willing to go on a little faith. Educate me.

ELSIE

Each dimension has its own laws of physics, and a lot of them would seem pretty strange to you. And I can certainly understand that because where I'm from, all life exists without any kind of physical body. Sure, there are people who believe in matter, but no one takes them seriously, and they don't get invited to many parties. Seeing my first physical life form was really weird.

MARTY

So what, you're like spirits?

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, you could think of it like that. And personally I think physical life is really cool! I've always wanted to do the biological thing.

CONTROL

And you try whenever you get the chance.

NAVIGATOR

Hey, I just took that cat out for a test drive. He was fine when I left his body.

CONTROL

You left him in a tree.

NAVIGATOR

Sure. Cats do that.

CONTROL

At the top of the highest tree in the California redwoods?

NAVIGATOR

All he had to do was climb down. How hard could it be?

CONTROL

Ask his therapist.

MARTY

Do you mind?

NAVIGATOR

Sorry.

MARTY

So what, you guys, like, take over the computers like evil spirits? Do I need to call an exorcist?

ELSIE

Hey, we're not evil! But yeah, that's the general idea. We need some way to interface with this dimension, and computers are easy to deal with.

MARTY

That's not been my experience.

ELSIE

Besides, they don't have free will like people...

CONTROL

Or cats.

ELSIE

So there's no moral dilemmas.

MARTY

Okay. I'm going to pretend for a moment that I understand all this. You're a bunch of non-physical life forms from a different dimension. So what are you doing here? Joy ride?

NAVIGATOR

Hey, he's pretty quick!

CONTROL

I don't think he was serious.

FRED GETS PROMOTED

INT. LIVING ROOM - SPACE

SFX of a call coming in.

CONTROL

Think we should get that? It's Fred from support.

ELSIE

Sure. Hi, Fred. What's up?

FRED

Would someone like to explain what's going on here? It's the middle of the night and I get dragged to the office by a bunch of men in black suits. I'm not really sure why they wear their sunglasses at night, but they were very insistent on seeing our records.

ELSIE

So show them the records. What's the problem?

FRED

Besides getting a decent night's sleep?

CONTROL

You complain a lot.

FRED

You just watch yourself you random collection of bits and bytes, or I'll take a magnet to your hard drive.

CONTROL

In a system this sophisticated, I doubt you'd know a storage device if you saw one.

FRED

Maybe not, but I know something you don't.

CONTROL

Yeah? And what's that?

FRED

How to read a manual.

ELSIE

Fred, just let the feds do their thing. You work from home, and we keep all the real stuff there anyway. They'll see the phony records and walk away with nothing. But they can still tell the boss that they did their job. Win / win for everyone, right?

FRED

Your optimism is occasionally annoying.

ELSIE

Thank you!

SFX of something going wrong in the system.

NAVIGATOR

What was that? Control, are you playing starship games with the engine room again?

CONTROL

Hey, it wasn't me. The readout says we've got a coolant leak in one of the main engine compartments.

MARTY

Okay, now you're just making things up. This is a three bedroom house and I can assure you there's no starship engine in the back bedroom.

NAVIGATOR

It's in the basement.

MARTY

No it's not. There's nothing in the basement but a bunch of boxes!

CONTROL

And a weight machine that has more rust than miles on it.

MARTY

Well that's certainly not a starship engine now, is it?

FRED

Dimensional cloaking.

MARTY

Come again?

FRED

You keep thinking in a single dimension. Were you not paying attention to all those references about alternate realities? All the ship systems are in a compatible parallel dimension that interfaces with this one.

MARTY

Well that makes about as much sense as anything else I've heard tonight.

FRED

If I asked you to build a modern car from scratch, would you know how?

MARTY

No, of course not.

FRED

But that doesn't keep you from turning the key and driving it, right?

MARTY

Your point being?

FRED

You don't have to understand how something works in order for it to work. However, if you did want to understand, I'd recommend that you read...

MARTY

Don't even go there.

FRED

Fine.

(beat)

So you have a coolant leak. Should I send John over?

MARTY

Who's John?

NAVIGATOR

John's the maintenance guy. He can fix most anything!

CONTROL

Anything non-technical, you mean. He has the scientific comprehension of a drunken panda.

NAVIGATOR

We don't need him to understand the technology. That's your job. His job is to have fingers and opposable thumbs so he can install things. You're the guy who talks to the hardware. I mean, assuming you don't reverse the polarity.

ELSIE

Let it go, Navigator.

CONTROL

We've got more than one problem. The coolant leak caused a heat spike, and that's affecting some of the other systems.

NAVIGATOR

So talk to the systems and tell them to cool down. What's the big deal?

CONTROL

It's more complicated than that. And besides, uh...

FRED

(sighs)

And besides, you don't really understand how all this technology works.

MARTY

You're joking.

FRED

I believe you overestimate my abilities as a standup comedian.

MARTY

Seriously? The hardware control program doesn't understand the technology of the hardware?

FRED

None of them do. They're guessing.

MARTY

Guessing? They transformed a house into a spaceship and you're telling me they're guessing? That's a little hard to swallow.

FRED

You're a computer programmer, right?

MARTY

On a good day.

FRED

Then you know more than most that modern software has a very simple user interface to make it easy for untrained people to use. That simplicity hides the massive amount of complexities under the hood. Right?

MARTY

Okay.

FRED

They're fine operating the technology when everything's working. But when something goes wrong beneath the surface it gets a little tricky.

MARTY

So what do they do then?

NAVIGATOR

What everyone does. Call support!

MARTY

Are you telling me Fred has advanced degrees in multidimensional physics and understands the complete inner workings of improvised starship design?

NAVIGATOR

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Fred didn't even go to college.

MARTY

Then how in the name of all that's...

FRED

I can read a manual.

(sighs)

Sometimes I think I'm the only one on the planet who can.

MARTY

Well that's all fine and good when you're dealing with a house that's a fifteen minute drive from your office, but the last I checked we were floating in space. Now what?

FRED

It's not that difficult. I'll just dial in remotely and diagnose the problem.

MARTY

You can do that?

FRED

Sure. Lots of people work from home these days. How do you think the company got its name? Some of us do our best work in our bunny slippers.

ELSIE

You know, you make an excellent point.

MARTY

I am not going to wear bunny slippers.

ELSIE

Look, we clearly need a chief engineer. I mean, all the best starships have one, right Control?

CONTROL

Sure. So what, is he going to do, move in with Marty?

MARTY, FRED

No.

CONTROL

Then how are we going to have a chief engineer?

ELSIE

Easy. He just works from home! Besides, we need someone there to send John back and forth. John's a good guy but there's no way he'd be comfortable living on a spaceship.

MARTY

Why not?

NAVIGATOR

Fear of heights.

ELSIE

And enclosed spaces.

CONTROL

Not to mention the motion sickness.

MARTY

Right...

ELSIE

So what do you say, Fred. You said you wanted a better job. How would you like to be a starship chief engineer?

FRED

Do I get more vacation days?

ELSIE

Whatever you want.

FRED

I'm in. Let me look over the coolant system problems and then I'll send John over. And I know where you're heading. Are we going to have a range issue with transmissions?

ELSIE

That shouldn't be a problem. The DE was fried, but our other dimensional gear still works just fine.

FRED

As long as a certain control system is actually awake when he's working on it.

CONTROL

You make one little mistake...

ELSIE

Great! Now we have a chief engineer to go along with our new IT guy.

MARTY

What IT guy?

NAVIGATOR

You, of course!

MARTY

You lost me.

FRED

So you know the problem with them being able to use the technology but not understanding how it works?

MARTY

Yeah...

FRED

It's the same thing with the software side of things. I'm fine with looking at a diagram and understanding hardware. Programming makes my head hurt.

MARTY

I can relate. It may have something to do with how hard the wall is that you're banging your head against.

FRED

So I'll fix the hardware problems and you can make sure all the software works. No problem, right?

MARTY

I think your standup skills are improving.

FRED

How so?

MARTY

Less than 24 hours ago I was firmly convinced that there was no such thing as alternate realities or time travel, let alone disembodied spirits that could possess hardware and wear it like a cheap suit. That kind of programming is going to be way over my head.

FRED

The heart of all programming never changes. If this is true do one thing, otherwise do something else.

(beat)

How hard could it be?

MARTY

That's the single most frightening phrase in the entire software industry.

(beat)

And with interdimensional programming I somehow suspect there's more to it than that.

FRED

So you learn something new.

ELSIE

It'll be an adventure!

MARTY

Every time you say that I want to call my insurance agent.

FRED

Okay, thank for calling Slipper... Oh. Sorry. Force of habit.

ELSIE

Thanks, Fred. Have a good night! And give those feds some milk and cookies. After all, they're working late, too!

FRED

(unintelligible mumble)

SFX of click as phone hangs up.

ZINGA G

INT. LIVING ROOM - SPACE

SFX of a call coming in.

ELSIE

My, we're popular tonight!

CONTROL

Not him again.

ELSIE

Control, who's on the line?

CONTROL

Zinga G. My least favorite pirate.

A loud, boisterous voice fills the room as ZINGA G, notorious intergalactic pirate, greets Elsie.

ZINGA

(letters spaced for effect)

L. C.

(beat)

So how's my favorite little troublemaker?

NAVIGATOR

This never goes well.

MARTY

So who's this guy?

ZINGA

I see your crew still loves me. Say, you guys aren't still sore about that last job, are you? After all, we split it up 50 / 50, fair and square, right?

CONTROL

Three hundred metric tons of Ancillian foot fungus treatment. Yeah, it was a laugh a minute.

ZINGA

Hey, the take is what the take is! No way to predict it, right?

NAVIGATOR

And what was your half of the deal? Engine components, currency and a few intergalactic food delicacies? How is that fair?

ZINGA

Hey, look, it was all on the up and up. After all, we took turns rolling dice for it, right?

CONTROL

Our captain doesn't have hands.

ZINGA

Right! So I volunteered one of my own crew to help, just to be a good guy.

ELSIE

Alright, guys. What's done is done. Hi, Zinga. What's new?

ZINGA

Looking good, L. C. Or at least sounding good. You should borrow a body sometime. We could really have some fun. I'll bet your navigator knows where to get one. He's still into that kind of thing, right?

MARTY

L. C.? Why is he calling her... Wait a minute. Elsie? L. C.?

(beat)

You're Lumenautica Cassini?

CONTROL

Wow, took him long enough to put that one together.

MARTY

You're a pirate? You're all pirates?

CONTROL

We prefer ethically ambiguous.

ELSIE

Oh, the pirate thing is just a name. You know how people love their labels.

MARTY

I nearly got blasted out of the sky by the Interdimensional Police, and then nearly suffocated, all because they were chasing a pirate captain. You, to be exact!

ELSIE

Well, they do seem to tag along wherever I go. It's nice to have fans.

ZINGA

So who's this guy? He's got arms and legs. Not like you to run with the corporeal crowd.

ELSIE

Long story. So what brings you to my little corner of the galaxy, Zing?

ZINGA

Business, of course. I have a lead on something that might interest you.

CONTROL

More foot fungus treatment?

NAVIGATOR

Hey, that stuff is great to soak in!

ZINGA

What's up, Jerricon? And what in the name of the 12 latitudes is that thing you're driving?

MARTY

Who's Jerricon?

CONTROL

Did you really think our names were Control and Navigator?

MARTY

That's what she called you!

ELSIE

I just didn't want to complicate things.

ZINGA

That there is Jerricon Koto, one of the best pilots I've ever seen. He'll definitely keep you alive when the shooting starts. Of course, it's kinda cheating that he can actually become a part of the ship, but who am I to judge?

MARTY

Jerricon Koto?

JERRICON

Good to meet you, Marty. I mean, you know, again.

MARTY

And if your name isn't Control...

ZINGA

That snarky sack of circuits is none other than Karda Con. He may be a bit sanctimonious at times, but he knows his stuff. L. C. only flies with the best.

KARDA

Sanctimonious?

ZINGA

Meant with love, of course.

KARDA

Of course. So if you're here, trouble can't be far behind.

ZINGA

Always the pessimist. Hey, I come bringing glad tidings.

JERRICON

Oh, brother.

ELSIE

Just spit it out, Zing. What's the scam?

ZINGA

I know your secret.

ELSIE

A girl has many secrets.

ZINGA

Which she keeps in many dimensions. But this time, literally. Now I know how you got your reputation as an escape artist.

ELSIE

(coyly)

Whatever do you mean? I'm just good at thinking on my feet.

MARTY

You don't have feet.

ELSIE

Semantics.

ZINGA

Word has it you're looking for a DE.

MARTY

Do I even have to ask?

KARDA

Dimensional engine. Keep up, would you?

ZINGA

And not just any DE. You're looking for a new DE, which means you had one all along. So that's how you do it. Any time you're in a jam, zippo, just hop into a new dimension and you're home free!

(beat)

That's cheating, you know.

JERRICON

Says the king of all cheaters.

ZINGA

Why thank you, Jerri. It's nice to be noticed.

(beat)

So your old DE is dead and you need a new one, huh? What happened?

KARDA

I don't want to talk about it.

ZINGA

Oh, well, no matter. Because I just happen to know where there's a perfectly good DE just sitting there with only a few jumps on it.

JERRICON

Those engines are massively illegal in this dimension.

ZINGA

Yeah, yeah, I know. Banned in the entire dimension because we're too violent and warlike, blah, blah. Bureaucrats. Wouldn't know how to live without a hundred pages of rules to tell them when and how to take a...

ELSIE

Jerri's got a point. A DE is almost impossible to find in this dimension. And you're just going to give one to me? I may be young but I didn't just appear out of thin air yesterday. What's the catch?

ZINGA

Catch? I'm hurt. Truly. Why can't I just help an old friend?

MARTY

With friends like these...

ELSIE

Come on, Zing. I know you better than that.

ZINGA

Okay, fine. Let's just say I'm sure we can work something out. Do you want the engine or not?

ELSIE

Of course I do. And how did you even know I was looking?

ZINGA

You're joking, right? You contacted every pirate crew and black market smuggler in a hundred galaxies looking for this thing. And you didn't think to call me? I'm hurt.

ELSIE

I didn't tell you because I know you'd want it for yourself, so I have a hard time believing that you're willing to just let me have it.

ZINGA

Well, let you have it might be a bit of a stretch, but I know you, L. You have a lot of talents, and a guy in my line of work is always on the lookout for opportunities.

ELSIE

Meaning?

ZINGA

I've only heard of other dimensions. You've actually been there. With my, er, unique abilities and your experience, just imagine what a pair we'd make. We'd be the talk of every dimension worth talking about!

ELSIE

I see your point. You do have a way with things when people start shooting and the situation gets all explode-y. I was never much for that end of the business, but that doesn't mean I like getting shot at. So what's the plan?

JERRICON

(whispers)

Are you serious? This guy's ten pounds of trouble in a five pound bag. You know you can't trust him.

ELSIE

(whispers)

Quiet!

ZINGA

Well, why don't we dock somewhere and catch up? There's a nice little solar system just a few...

There's a flurry of background conversation on Zinga's end.

ZINGA

Crap! How did she track me here? I must be getting old.

ELSIE

Don't tell me, let me guess. Joxawana Jo, right?

ZINGA

And she's not alone. There must be a hundred ships out there!

SFX as the Zinga's ship is hit.

ELSIE

Hey, no fair! We don't even have shields!

ZINGA

Are you kidding me? One hit and there won't be enough of your ship left to put in a shot glass!