Episode 05

PREVIOUSLY

There's a flurry of background conversation on Zinga's end.

ZINGA

Crap! How did she track me here? I must be getting old.

ELSIE

Don't tell me, let me guess. Joxawana Jo, right?

ZINGA

And she's not alone. There must be a hundred ships out there!

Minor explosions as Zinga's ship is hit.

ELSIE

Hey, no fair! We don't even have shields!

ZINGA

Are you kidding me? One hit and there won't be enough of your ship left to put in a shot glass!

JOX ATTACKS

INT. LIVING ROOM - SPACE

ELSIE

Zinga, can you extend your shields to protect us?

ZINGA

Of course I can, but that's not going to hold up against a hundred gunships.

ELSIE

Just do it!

ZINGA

(loudly, over his shoulder)

Full shields now! Cover both ships!

Sound of shields being raised and blasts hitting it, rocking both ships.

JOX

(intrusive hailing)

Lumenautica Cassini, you're under arrest! Power down and prepare to be boarded!

CONTROL

Is that the only song she knows?

ZINGA

Hey, stop shooting at us! Whatever it is that you think we did, I can assure you it's just a big misunderstanding.

Another blast hits the shields.

ZINGA

Hey! Stop shooting! I haven't broken any laws. I'm just a simple cargo merchant. You can board my ship and see for yourself!

TIMMY

(in the background)

Cargo merchant? Isn't that Zinga G? He's the most wanted pirate in this dimension!

JOX

(in the background)

Pipe down, Timmy! We're the Interdimensional Police. We didn't come here to waste time with the local galactic scum. Zinga's not our problem. We're here for Cassini!

ZINGA

(mildly offended)

Local scum?

ELSIE

She's not exactly known for her charm.

ZINGA

Charm be damned. I'm the greatest pirate in the history of the 12 latitudes!

(beat)

Target that ship and blast it back to the dimension she came from!

NAVIGATOR

That was predictable.

More blasts and hits on Jox's ship.

TIMMY

(background)

We're hit in the aft power section. The fleet generator's going offline!

JOX

Then get it back online, dammit!

ELSIE

Fleet generator?

Sound of incoming call notification.

CONTROL

There's a tech support call coming in on line one.

ELSIE

Fred?

Another blast that shake the house.

FRED

Hi. Just wanted to let you know I'm sending John over to fix that coolant leak.

CONTROL

Now's not really the best time to...

Sound of transporter as JOHN SMITH, Slipper Tech maintenance guy, beams into the living room.

JOHN

Hey, guys. How's it go...

Another blast shakes the house.

FRED

What's going on over there with all that noise? Are you guys having a party?

(mumbles)

Nobody ever invites me to the parties.

JOHN

What the hell? You said coolant leak. That sounds a lot like we're being shot at!

NAVIGATION

You just worry about the coolant leak. We'll take care of the shooting.

(beat)

Uh, boss? Got any ideas on the whole shooting thing?

ELSIE

How are we supposed to outrun a hundred IDP ships? We don't even have a working DE!

CONTROL

How many ships did you say? I'm seeing one.

ELSIE

One?

CONTROL

Exactly one. The rest must have been some kind of holographic projection.

JOX

(intrusive hailing)

Lumenautica Cassini, power down and prepare to be boarded. There's no escape for you this time. You're surrounded. We have over a hundred ships!

ELSIE

No you don't.

JOX

Do, too.

ELSIE

Do not.

JOX

Do, too!

ELSIE

Do not.

JOX

Do, too, dammit!

ELSIE

Hey, Zing. She's bluffing. Let her have it!

ZINGA

I can see that for myself.

(over his shoulder)

Fire all batteries! Blast that meddlesome ship to pieces!

JOX

(under her breath)

Oh, crap.

TIMMY

But we've got good shields, right?

JOX

Hopefully. Timmy, fire everything we've got!

TIMMY

Hopefully?

There's a volley of gunfire as Zinga and Jox blast each other. The house rocks as shots ricochet and hit the shields. A strange noise erupts in the house as the DE flickers on and off.

CONTROL

Was that the DE kicking in? Where's John?

NAVIGATOR

He's supposed to be working on the coolant leak.

(loudly)

Hey, John! What the heck are you doing back there?

JOHN

(yelling back)

I'm trying to fix the coolant leak, but someone's got things all screwed up between the main engine and the dimensional one. The DE keeps trying to kick in. Fred, are you seeing this?

More gunfire rocks the ship.

JOHN

And I want a raise!

FRED

My readings are all confused. I thought the DE was completely dead, but it looks like it's trying to interact with the other systems. If it engages in the middle of a firefight you might find yourself in some strange territory.

JOHN

What do you mean, strange?

FRED

What part of inter-dimensional do you not understand?

JOHN

Dammit, Fred, I'm a mechanic, not a trans-dimensional physicist. You mean we're going to start jumping through dimensions?

FRED

It's not at full power. Maybe if you're lucky you'll just see the refrigerator turn into a giant penguin.

JOHN

Penguin?

FRED

That's actually a best case scenario.

More gunfire.

ZINGA

Screw this. I say every man for himself. Good luck, L. If you make it out of here alive, you know where to find me.

(over his shoulder)

Intergalactic drive now! Get us the hell out of here!

NAVIGATOR

Well, there goes Zinga. And our shields.

CONTROL

Typical.

ELSIE

So how are we going to...

Strange noises as the DE kicks in and out again.

NAVIGATOR

Hey, guys! You think you can get that thing to stay on long enough to get us out of here?

FRED

I don't think that would be advisable in its current state.

JOHN

Do you think getting shot at with no shields is more advisable?

(mumbles)

So if I connect these two...

FRED

That is a very bad idea. The DE wasn't meant to interface with...

More strange noises as the DE kicks on, stays on for a few seconds, and then stutters out.

TIMMY

Where'd they go? They just disappeared. I thought they didn't have a working DE? I mean, isn't that what they were trying to steal in the first place?

JOX

Are you kidding me? How did they manage that? Timmy, bring up the interdimensional scanner. They can't get away that easily. This ship can outrun them no matter what dimension they bounce to.

TIMMY

Uh, detective? Er, I mean, Jox? Uh, what's with these weird readings? There's blips all over the place. I've never seen anything like it. Is the scanner broken?

JOX

What the... It looks like they're skipping through a different random dimension every second or two. That can't be right.

TIMMY

What should we do?

JOX

Well she's obviously not here. Bring the ship off alert and let's get out of here. I have an idea on where we can get some answers.

(beat)

And see if you can fix that damned scanner!

JIMMERAN GETS INTERROGATED

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

The Zignon Five? What about them? Yes, I know they're a popular band. No ma'am, you're not a winner. No ma'am, this is not a radio station. This is a police station. No ma'am, we haven't arrested them. And what would you do with free t-shirts anyway? Your species doesn't have arms. Or brains, apparently.

(beat)

Intergalactic Police, please hold...

MERCON

So Joxawana Jo followed the Slipper Tech house and got the jump on Zinga G? She'll probably get a bonus for that one.

JIMMERAN

Actually, as far the IDP is concerned, Zinga G is your problem. They only care about pirates who cross dimensional boundaries. Besides, things didn't exactly go her way.

MERCON

You mean they got away? Again?

JIMMERAN

Well, and mind you I'm just going on second hand information here, but I heard that while Zinga was firing on Jox's ship, the Slipper Tech house just blipped out of existence.

MERCON

You mean like a dimensional jump? I thought you said the Slipper Tech people were trying to get their hands on a DE, not that they already had one. You're getting sloppy, Albi. You used to be better at keeping your stories straight.

JIMMERAN

Hey, I was just as surprised as you. Besides, I can only tell you what I hear, you know? It's not like those Slipper Tech people tell me everything. I mean, after all, I'm just a home automation salesman.

MERCON

Yeah, yeah.

JIMMERAN

But it sure sounds like they have a DE to me. Except from what I hear, it wasn't a dimensional jump. They kind of flickered in and out a few times. One second they're there, the next they're gone, then they're back again. Personally, I think those Slipper Tech guys are experimenting with some strange new technologies. And you know how unpredictable that can be. Dimensional engines aren't that stable to begin with.

MARTY WANTS ANSWERS

INT. LIVING ROOM - SPACE

ELSIE

John, what did you do? We're hopping all over the place? Make it stop! Just stabilize us in one dimension, would you?

FRED

We can't even access the controls. Every dimension we're in changes them into different substances.

JOHN

You're not kidding! Is this blob of goo what's left of our interdimensional eng... Okay, wait, now it looks like an octopus with dozens of... Wait... Okay, now it looks like an engine again. Will it hold?

A stuttering sound as the DE goes offline.

FRED

And... the DE just died again.

ELSIE

Navigator, where are we?

NAVIGATOR

You're not going to believe this.

CONTROL

I don't think she's in the mood for guessing games.

ELSIE

(insistently)

Navigator?

NAVIGATOR

Right back where we started. Okay, not the exact same physical location, perhaps, but we're in the same dimension and still not far from Earth.

FRED

Given the way the DE was acting, I think you should consider yourself lucky that you all didn't turn into giant mushrooms. John, maybe you shouldn't be fooling around with...

MARTY

After all that's happened you're going to blame John? It sounds like he's the one who just saved our skin. And what do you mean, mushrooms?

More noises as the DE kicks in and out again.

MARTY

What's with that thing? And did I just see my couch turn into a multicolored snake, or am I losing my mind?

John walks back into the living room.

JOHN

Yeah, that was a snake alright. Some dimensions are weirder than others. You get used to it.

MARTY

Twenty bucks says I don't.

(beat)

And what about this Jox person? Is she still out there? The last I heard we no longer have any shields. I may not be a hardware guy, but that seems like a bad thing to me.

CONTROL

I can't get a fix on her. There's no telling where she is.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, she's always hacking illegal tech into that ship of hers. She probably has some kind of cloaking device. You know, for a cop, she has a rather casual relationship with legalities.

ELSIE

You mean she's gone?

CONTROL

And Zinga, too. Nice of him to just leave us hanging like that.

MARTY

You guys are pirates, and you're surprised Zinga acted like one?

JOHN

Oh, they're not really pirates.

NAVIGATOR

Well, technically...

FRED

You do tend to acquire the things you need at gunpoint.

ELSIE

Hey, we don't use guns!

MARTY

How can you be a pirate and raid ships if you don't even have any guns? What, do they just pull over and give you their ships because you ask nicely?

CONTROL

That's closer to the truth than you might think.

MARTY

You're kidding.

NAVIGATOR

Actually, being an interdimensional crew does have its advantages. Everyone in this dimension assumes it's the only one there is since that information is classified. So the technology we have usually comes as a bit of a surprise to our...

MARTY

Victims?

JOHN

Donors.

ELSIE

Benefactors.

MARTY

(sighs)

Pirates.

ELSIE

Hey, we're not pirates! That's just the way people look at things in this dimension. Where we come from, the sharing of resources is perfectly normal.

MARTY

In this dimension, it's called stealing.

ELSIE

Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. But yeah, they're really touchy about that sort of thing here. That's why I'm trying to find my way back home.

MARTY

Find?

CONTROL

Remember your comment about joy ride?

MARTY

Yeah?

CONTROL

(to Elsie)

This is what happens when you ignore tradition.

ELSIE

Hey, a girl should be able to choose, right? Just because I didn't want to settle down and raise babies...

MARTY

Babies?

CONTROL

We reproduce just like any other species. You have a better word for it?

MARTY

How can you reproduce if you don't have a body?

NAVIGATOR

Actually, our method of intimacy involves...

ELSIE

Anyway, I just wanted to see the world, you know, find out what other things there might be to do with my life. Sure, things haven't exactly worked out the way I expected, but...

CONTROL

That's what happens when you stow away on an interdimensional cargo ship.

NAVIGATOR

Look who's talking. That's where she met us, you know.

CONTROL

Don't remind me. I'm still trying to forget the image of you taking over a 900 pound Sorwellian Gonjo Slug and trying to do the mating dance of the Gallowight Faeries. That certainly got everyone's attention.

NAVIGATOR

Okay, sure, so we had a little trouble blending in.

CONTROL

A little? If Elsie hadn't shown up and made the ship's navigation system reboot, I think those guys were going to roast you on a spit and have you for dinner.

NAVIGATOR

Hard to argue with that. Of course, once she took over the entire ship's software systems and convinced the crew to follow her, we finally had a home. I still feel bad about what happened to the captain. But hey, it was his idea to hide in a cage with a bunch of Ansawars that were on their way to a breeding farm.

MARTY

You hijacked the ship?

ELSIE

Borrowed.

NAVIGATOR

And we gave it right back! I mean, you know, after we found a better one.

CONTROL

That broken down cargo ship? Yeah, that worked out great. Except for the small detail of their defective dimensional engine going crazy and blasting us who knows how many jumps from home. Wherever home is.

NAVIGATOR

You know, it's bad form to criticize the captain.

FRED

Which is another reason that DE's are illegal in most dimensions. It's not exactly the most stable of technologies. One glitch and no telling where you'll end up. Or what your body will be made out of. I mean, for those of us who have bodies.

MARTY

You mean you're lost?

ELSIE

Of course not. I just don't know the exact location of our home dimension. But we were making great progress!

NAVIGATOR

Until someone crossed the wires and blew out our DE. Fortunately, Earth is a technological society, so we were able to keep posing as software while we tried to find a way off of that rock.

JOHN

Yeah, so I've always wondered. How did you manage to get your hands on a DE anyway? It's not like they grow on trees, and the police don't seem too happy about you having one.

CONTROL

Smugglers, of course.

NAVIGATOR

And not just any smugglers. Interdimensional ones. Turns out they can also sell home automation upgrades.

MARTY

You mean that con artist also sold you a dimensional engine? No wonder the thing is so flaky. Everyone knows you can't trust a smuggler.

NAVIGATOR

Hey, Jimmy's our friend!

ELSIE

But Marty's not wrong. You can't expect a Mongoloose to change its triangles.

MARTY

Mongo-what?

JOHN

Tigers and stripes.

MARTY

Right.

The house shudders and materials change as the DE sputters on and off again.

FRED

Another dimensional shift?

JOHN

Half a dozen, all at once. I'm just glad we keep coming back to a reality I understand.

CONTROL

Certainly better than you understand engines.

NAVIGATOR

Boss, we really need to do something about that DE before we all end up as a pile of goo in some dimension that worships milkshakes.

MARTY

So now what? You've got another ship, or should I say you've hijacked another one. If you manage to fix the DE before we all turn into moderately intelligent balls of light, how do you plan on finding your way home? And can you drop me off on Earth before you do? I'd rather pay off a mortgage on a vacant lot than continue this joy ride.

ELSIE

The Central Repository.

CONTROL

You know that's just a myth.

JOHN

Most of the dimensions you describe would be myths in my world.

NAVIGATOR

Control's got a point. No one can prove that it even exists.

MARTY

What's the Central Repository? An intergalactic library?

FRED

You're not far from the truth. The Central Repository is believed to be an interdimensional black hole at the center of all existence, joining all dimensions together and greedily sucking in all the knowledge of the multiverse.

MARTY

What the...

JOHN

Internet search engine. For dimensions.

NAVIGATOR

And the story goes, you can query it for anything if you know how to ask.

MARTY

Even if there was such a thing, isn't it a bit dangerous to get up close and personal with a black hole, interdimensional or otherwise?

ELSIE

Sure, they can be a bit touchy sometimes. You just have to know how to talk to them.

MARTY

Black holes can talk?

ELSIE

You know, you have a very limited perspective on existence.

MARTY

I have a three bedroom house floating in space.

ELSIE

Exactly!

NAVIGATOR

And that certainly came in handy.

CONTROL

I'm still surprised we managed to hack this thing into something that resembles a ship. But I don't know why we didn't just replace the DE in our old one.

ELSIE

You mean the big, conspicuous interdimensional transport ship that every IDP agent in the multiverse was looking for? That ship?

CONTROL

Well, when you put it that way...

ELSIE

This was the perfect solution. Low profile and certainly not what pirate hunters would be expecting. We just need to make a few more improvements and it'll be good as new!

MARTY

What improvements?

JOHN

I think we can all agree that shields would be nice. I mean, speaking for those of us with arms and legs, anyway.

TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

More strange noises as the DE continues to act erratically.

FRED

You know, if we don't get the DE stabilized you're all going to end up in a very uncomfortable place. Or perhaps several uncomfortable places, depending on the laws of physics you encounter.

JOHN

There are power surges ripping through the entire system!

There's the sound of a spark.

JOHN

Now what the hell was that? It sounded like the transporter.

The phone rings.

CONTROL

Uh, Marty? That crazy girlfriend person is calling again.

MARTY

Just send her to voice mail!

CONTROL

What's voice mail?

CINDY

Marty? Are you there? Who's that talking? And why are you sending me to voice mail? Are you still with that other woman? I don't want to leave a message, I want to talk. I guess I could talk to voice mail, but it's not the same. And besides...

MARTY

Listen, this isn't really a good time to...

More sparks fly as he DE kicks on and a surge hits the transporter.

JOHN

Marty, look out! The DE just connected to the transporter and...

More sparks, followed by transporter sounds. Cindy lets out a girly scream (the general tone of, "Eek! A mouse!").

CINDY

Marty? You're not Marty! Where am I? Isn't this Marty's new house? Who are you? And why are there sparks everywhere? And why does the living room wall look like outer space? How did I get here? Am I dead? Did my phone explode because I refused to pay those roaming charges? And where's Marty?

JOHN

Who the hell...

CONTROL

There's actually a coherent thought in there somewhere. Where's Marty?

NAVIGATOR

Marty?

ELSIE

Marty?

CINDY

Is somebody going to tell me what's going on? What am I doing here? Who are all those voices? And where's Marty?

There's a brief flash of light and Marty appears for just an instant, looking like a hologram, before disappearing again.

MARTY

Hey! Where am I?

CONTROL

Uh oh. Did he just turn into a hologram and then disappear?

JOHN

Uh oh? What do you mean, uh oh?

(beat)

Fred? What the hell's going on? Did Marty transport back to you?

FRED

I'm sorry, there's no Marty here. Or anywhere else that my instruments can detect for that matter. When the DE power surge hit the transporter there seems to have been a malfunction.

NAVIGATOR

You think?

CINDY

So you're saying that Marty is... dead?

ELSIE

No, not dead. Just, er...

CONTROL

Unavailable?

NAVIGATOR

Indisposed?

JOHN

Not at this number?