Episode 06

PREVIOUSLY

There's a brief flash of light and Marty appears for just an instant, looking like a hologram, before disappearing again.

MARTY

Hey! Where am I?

CONTROL

Uh oh. Did he just turn into a hologram and then disappear?

JOHN

Uh oh? What do you mean, uh oh?

(beat)

Fred? What the hell's going on? Did Marty transport back to you?

FRED

I'm sorry, there's no Marty here. Or anywhere else that my instruments can detect for that matter. When the DE power surge hit the transporter there seems to have been a malfunction.

ELSIE

You think?

CINDY

So you're saying that Marty is... dead?

ELSIE

No, not dead. Just, er...

CONTROL

Unavailable?

NAVIGATOR

Indisposed?

JOHN

Not at this number?

WHERE'S MARTY?

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

CINDY

What do you mean? Where's Marty? Why isn't he here? Where did he go? And what do you mean hologram? I thought that was just a video call. And if he's a hologram why did he tell me he wasn't on social media?

FRED

The DE is fluctuating wildly, and apparently it's merged with several of the other ship systems. There's no predicting what it will do next.

CONTROL

Perhaps finding the Off button would be useful right about now.

JOHN

Good luck with that. Fred's been through every manual he can find and he still doesn't know why it keeps turning itself on and off. Maybe the DE is actually a long lost cousin from your home dimension.

ELSIE

Even our people know better than to merge with a DE. Those things can be a bit twitchy.

CONTROL

You don't say.

CINDY

Okay, who are you, and what are you doing in Marty's house? And why are there so many voices? You hear the voices too, right? They're not just in my head? My therapist told me something like this might happen. This is all Marty's fault.

JOHN

My name is John. And these voices you're hearing are, uh, just...

FRED

And my name is Fred. I'm the technical support representative for Slipper Tech, a unique home automation service...

CINDY

Oh, you're the people who remodeled Marty's house! He said you were going to make the lights turn on automatically. Do you open doors, too?

NAVIGATOR

Actually, Fred just got promoted. Now he's the chief engineer. Pretty cool, huh?

CINDY

Why does a house need a chief engineer? And why do I keep hearing voices? Am I going crazy? Marty always said I was as crazy as a bag of feral cats on acid, but I don't even like cats. I'm a dog person. I think dogs are cuter than cats. Don't you?

NAVIGATOR

Hey, every starship needs a chief engineer. And Fred's the best. He can read manuals and everything!

CINDY

Starship? What does a house have to do with starships?

CONTROL

Look out the window.

JOHN

I'm not sure that's the best strategy here.

CONTROL

She'll figure it out sooner or later.

CINDY

But the house doesn't have a window. It's just that big, long video screen covered with stars. Does Marty get cable? I know some pretty good cooking shows.

FRED

I think it's probably best if we keep you away from open flames. And that's not a video wall. It's a view screen. The house is currently in space, and we're located...

NAVIGATOR

Coming up on Earth now, boss. Standard orbit?

ELSIE

Standard orbit. At least until we figure out what to do next.

CINDY

You're that woman Marty was talking to the last time I called! Are you his new girlfriend? Why are you just a voice? Are you hiding from me? Is it because you're not pretty? It's okay, you can come out. Marty and I are obviously not going to work, so I may as well meet you.

NAVIGATOR

She doesn't have a body. None of us have bodies. Although it is fun to try one on every now and then. We're actually...

JOHN

Computer programs. Yeah. They're all computer programs. Except Fred. He's human. But he's calling in from Earth, so you can't see him. But yeah, it's just all that fancy artificial intelligence stuff, so they sound really lifelike.

CINDY

So we're really in space?

JOHN

'fraid so.

CINDY

Why would you be in space with Marty's house? He doesn't like heights. And I may be crazy but I know that houses can't fly. Right? I mean, you know, except for that old movie about the little girl from Kansas and the tornado and her little dog. That was a cute little dog. But her house landed on a witch. Are we chasing witches? You mean witches are real?

JOHN

Yeah. About that...

FRED

This is all a part of some very experimental technology. We'll have to get you to sign an NDA when we land. Er, I mean, end the simulation.

CINDY

Simulation? You mean this isn't real? So if it's not real then I can just leave, right? Except... where's the door? You mean Marty built a house without any doors? Gee, I guess he really didn't want to see me anymore.

CONTROL

We don't have time for this.

ELSIE

Right. Listen, Cindy, is it?

CINDY

Uh huh?

ELSIE

I know this is going to be a little hard for you to understand, but we're not actually computer programs. Have you ever heard of alternate realities?

CINDY

You mean all that stuff that people talk about when they're on drugs? Freaky visions and things like that? Is this one of those drug experiments? I don't think I'd be very good at a drug experiment. I don't really like drugs. Aspirin gives me a headache.

CONTROL

Are you sure it's not the other way around?

CINDY

That's what my doctor always says when I visit him.

ELSIE

No, not altered reality. Alternate reality.

CINDY

(still fast, but suddenly lucid)

Oh, you mean like the multiverse, alternate dimensions, parallel Earths and endless variations of the same time and space that we think of as normal reality?

CONTROL

I thought she was supposed to be crazy.

NAVIGATOR

We all have our moments.

ELSIE

How do you know about all that stuff?

CINDY

I like to read.

FRED

(mumbles)

Finally, someone who can read.

JOHN

Hey, I can read.

CINDY

(starts lucid and drifts back to crazy)

So you guys aren't computer programs at all, are you? I'll bet your beings from an alternate dimension, aren't you? And where you're from, people just don't have bodies, right? So you have to pretend to be computer programs so you don't get caught? Is it against the law to not have a body? I tried having an out of body experience once with my old boyfriend but he got arrested. Are we going to get arrested?

NAVIGATOR

He got arrested for being out of his body? That hardly seems fair.

CINDY

I think it had something to do with the pills he was taking. They said uncontrollable substances were illegal. Or something like that. I was running too fast to hear it all.

ELSIE

So you don't think it's strange that we're from another dimension? Aren't you afraid of us?

CINDY

Of course not. I meditate. All my friends do. We're very spiritual. And isn't that the whole point of meditation? You know, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go...

JOHN

I think you're headed for a mixed metaphor.

CINDY

Oh no, I never mix my metaphors. My doctor says it affects my allergies.

(beat)

So if we're in space, what happened to Marty?

JOHN

You want to take this one, Fred? I'm not sure I'd even know where to begin.

FRED

Of course. Cindy, if you're familiar with multiple dimensions it shouldn't be that hard to follow. We have a dimensional engine...

CINDY

You mean that DE thingy?

FRED

...yes, the DE thingy... that can move between dimensions. But ours has been starting and stopping at random intervals, and now it seems to have integrated with the transporter. And apparently voice communications. I'm guessing that's how you got transported in when you called, and it must have beamed Marty to some other dimension. It's hard to say. There was a lot of shooting going on at the time, and DE's aren't particularly fond of gunfire.

CINDY

(lucid)

Oh. Okay.

JOHN

Okay? Just like that?

CINDY

(back to crazy)

Sure. It all makes perfect sense to me. Doesn't it make sense to you? I mean, it's not like we could possibly be alone in a universe this big and complicated, so if their people built engines they'd have to be complicated too, right? And I think complicated is a bad thing. I mean, Marty used to always tell me that I was complicated, so if your machines are complicated then that's probably why they have so much trouble. In alternate dimensions, do machines have relationships? I bet that's hard.

JOHN

Okay...

ZINGA'S PLAN

INT. ZINGA'S SHIP

Sound of outbound call ringing.

ZINGA

Answer the damned call, already. I haven't got all day.

JIMMARAN

(the voice is intentionally garbled and encrypted so the audience doesn't know who it is)

Zinga G?

ZINGA

It's about time. So did you get my message?

JIMMERAN

Your message, yes. The money, not so much.

ZINGA

You'll get paid when you deliver.

JIMMERAN

You don't trust me?

ZINGA

Let's just say I have trust issues.

JIMMERAN

Tell it to your therapist. I always deliver.

ZINGA

I'm counting on it. These dimensional engines are tricky things. I've never actually seen one before, and I certainly wouldn't trust my crew to take it out of that transport ship once we board it.

JIMMERAN

I've got plenty of experience with that technology. You just keep an eye out for that IDP detective. She doesn't care about the local pirates here, but the moment I touch anything interdimensional I could end up on her radar. I'm taking a pretty big risk getting involved with this, Zinga. You better pay up like you said you would. And don't try any of your tricks. It's not like I don't understand the rules of the pirate game, you know.

ZINGA

Yeah, yeah. You'll get your money. You just make sure that you meet me at the coordinates I give you. Then get onto that transport, grab the engine and bring it to me before anyone knows what's happened. We'll be gone and having a drink at Chon Chon's before those dimwits know what hit them.

JOX AT THE ASTEROID BAR

INT. CHON CHON'S, THE ASTEROID BAR – NIGHT

Noise of a rowdy, intergalactic bar.

JOX

Listen, kid, I don't have time to hold your hand, so just try to stay out of trouble, would you? I don't want to have to extract you from the stomach of a Garnishious Alpha Worm like my last partner.

TIMMY

Last partner?

As Jox and Timmy enter the bar they're greeted by GLEEMIK, owner of CHON CHON'S, a popular nightspot for smugglers, pirates and other such criminals.

GLEEMIK

My, my. Joxawana Jo of the Interdimensional Police.

TIMMY

She knows your name?

GLEEMIK

In a pirate bar? Everyone knows her name. Welcome to Chon Chon's. I'm Gleemik, the proprietor of this fine establishment.

JOX

So I've heard.

GLEEMIK

You've got quite the reputation, although I don't know how you've managed to live so long if you're this stupid. My patrons aren't exactly fans of the police, intergalactic or otherwise.

TIMMY

(nervous)

Uh, maybe we should just look somewhere else instead of...

JOX

Just give her the money, Timmy.

GLEEMIK

Hmmm. That's quite a lot of galactic credits. I didn't think the IDP had that kind of a budget.

JOX

You're not even supposed to know about other dimensions, let alone the IDP. That's classified.

GLEEMIK

(laughs)

Seriously? Does it look like we're overly concerned with rules and regulations here, detective?

JOX

Fair point. And that's not IDP money. Let's just say it's my... discretionary fund.

GLEEMIK

Seized from pirates, no doubt.

JOX

Like you care.

GLEEMIK

Not if it's going into my pocket, I don't.

JOX

So are you going to invite us in or what?

GLEEMIK

Sure, come on in. I'm dying to know what you want for this amount of money. No refunds, of course.

JOX

Of course. Timmy, wait here. I'll be back in a minute.

There's a loud growl and the sounds of aliens fighting.

TIMMY

Er, you want me to stay here?

JOX

You'll be fine. Just avoid eye contact.

TIMMY

Some of these guys have a lot of eyes.

GLEEMIK

So, Jox, what brings you to an asteroid bar if it's not a death wish? Looking to change sides?

JOX

Looking for a pirate.

GLEEMIK

So it is a death wish. That's refreshing.

JOX

I need information about an interdimensional crew I'm chasing. Your local pirates aren't my problem as long as they stay in their own dimension. I'm looking for Zinga G.

GLEEMIK

(laughing)

You and the entire Intergalactic Police Force. Ah, detective, I didn't realize you'd come here to entertain me.

JOX

I don't want to arrest him, and I'm not interested in doing the IGP's job for them. I just want to talk. He knows who I'm looking for and where to find her.

GLEEMIK

And what makes you think he'd tell an interdimensional pirate hunter?

JOX

I have excellent bargaining skills.

GLEEMIK

Okay, I can make the arrangements. You certainly paid well enough for it.

(beat)

I see your little partner is still alive over there. But he won't be for long if he touches one of those appendages.

JOX

Hey, Timmy! Get over here!

TIMMY

Strange creatures. I've never seen a dance like that before.

JOX

Uh, they're not dancing.

GLEEMIK

(loudly to someone across the room)

Hey! HEY! You three! You can't do that in public. Get a room, you cheapskates!

JOX

So you'll put me in touch with Zinga?

GLEEMIK

Sure. I know someone who can work as a go between. But IDP or not, I wouldn't recommend trying to double cross Zinga G. The galaxy is dusted with the atoms of those who did.

JOX

Like I'm afraid of pirates.

JIMMERAN GETS INTERROGATED

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

I'm sorry, ma'am, but if your son has been arrested you should call a lawyer, not us. No, ma'am, lawyers aren't illegal in every galaxy. Just the reputable ones.

Intergalactic Police, please hold...

MERCON

So tell me, Albi. Why are you so dead set on implicating the people at Slipper Tech? You work for them. Isn't that kinda screwing your own team?

JIMMERAN

Hey, that Slipper Tech job is what got me into this mess in the first place. I mean, I was just supposed to be a salesman. Then they had me running all these errands to get them parts for whatever it is they're building back on Earth. Next thing you know, I'm caught in the middle of an IGP raid, just because I was there when you guys moved in. How is that my team?

MERCON

So you're just an innocent victim in all this, right?

JIMMERAN

Okay, look, I know we have our history, but I'm telling you, detective, this time I really am innocent. I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. See, they asked me to go...

ZINGA MEETS JOX

INT. CHON CHON'S – NIGHT

Background noise of bar.

ZINGA

Hello, Gleemik. You're looking more lovely than ever. Did you get your tentacles done?

GLEEMIK

Zinga G, always the smooth talker. How you been? Heard you got shot at recently. You're not scratching the paint job on my old ship, are you?

ZINGA

Nothing a good repair crew can't iron out. Besides, it's good to have a few dents and dings. Gives one an air of... credibility.

GLEEMIK

I've heard too much credibility can kill you.

ZINGA

Only if you're slow. So where is she? First she shoots at me and now she's late. I swear, some people have no manners whatsoever.

JOX

I would have been here sooner if that bouncer didn't make me hand over all my weapons at the door.

ZINGA

(clearly not believing her)

All?

JOX

Well, no more than you have.

ZINGA

Do you see any weapons on me?

JOX

But those are the best kinds, right?

ZINGA

So I've been told.

GLEEMIK

I've got to say, Zing, you're more forgiving than I'd be. Never thought I'd see you joking around with the likes of the IDP.

ZINGA

Hey, business is business. It's nothing personal, right detective?

JOX

Depends on who you ask.

GLEEMIK

Speaking of which, where's your errand boy?

JOX

My partner is on the ship, trying to undo whatever damage Zinga did to our generators. What the hell do you have those guns loaded with, anyway? They certainly pack a punch.

ZINGA

Trade secret, of course.

JOX

Of course.

ZINGA

So, you called this little meeting. What do you want?

GLEEMIK

I'll let you two get down to business. But play nice, Zinga. The last time we were shut down for two weeks repairing all the damage. You still owe me for that, you know.

ZINGA

And you know I'm good for it. Besides, I think the bits and pieces you couldn't quite clean off of the walls give your establishment a certain...

GLEEMIK

Credibility?

JOX

Don't you have a bar to run?

GLEEMIK

Don't push your luck.

JOX

Whatever.

ZINGA

So you're looking for Lumenautica Cassini and you think I can help you, right? What's in it for me?

JOX

What do you want?

ZINGA

The police don't usually offer anything that I would enjoy.

JOX

I'm not one of your local galactic knuckle draggers. Besides, I'm not exactly on the clock here. So what do you want?

ZINGA

Let's just say you can help me settle an old score.

JOX

As long as it stays in this dimension.

ZINGA

Oh, he's a local alright. There's a certain merchant of, er, exclusive commodities that I need to track down.

JOX

A smuggler.

ZINGA

We had a business arrangement where I obtained items of a high monetary value with the agreement that he would then transport them to my, er, customers.

JOX

You hijacked a ship and the smuggler was supposed to sell the spoils for you. What happened, Zing – he pull a fast one on you? Not good for the reputation, you know.

ZINGA

Oh my reputation will be fine. At least it will be once I locate him. But he's got some sort of fancy technology that always keeps him a step ahead of me. Whenever I get to a set of coordinates, he's already gone. I need to catch him before he has a chance to jump to another galaxy. You got any fancy IDP tech that'll help me do that?

JOX

And here I thought this was going to be hard. Just give me the info on his ship. I'll know his location five minutes before he does. You can be waiting for him, and what happens next I don't want to know.

(beat)

So what about your end of the deal? Where's Lumenautica Cassini?

ZINGA

Well, it looks like this is going to be easy for both of us. I participated in a, shall we say, joint venture with her not long ago. Part of her, er, compensation was a rather large quantity of Ancilian foot fungus treatment.

JOX

Foot fungus?

ZINGA

Do you really care?

JOX

I really don't.

ZINGA

Anyway, that stuff reeks in more ways than one. Leaves a radiation trail that lasts for months. Very subtle, very hard to detect. Unless...

JOX

You have the right equipment to detect it with.

ZINGA

As it turns out, I happen to have recently acquired just such a piece of equipment. I give it to you, you get Cassini, I get my smuggler. Deal?

JOX

Deal.

ZINGA

People who break deals with me...

JOX

Save it, pirate. I've seen a lot scarier than you. I'll tell Timmy to pick it up from your ship. And try not to shoot him, would you? I really don't need the paperwork.

CINDY THE TECH

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

NAVIGATOR

(loudly, calling to the other room)

Hey, John. Do you and Fred have the DE settled down yet? I'm still getting all sorts of crazy readings here.

JOHN

(loudly, calling to the other room)

Oh, don't get your bytes in an uproar. We're doing the best we can given the distractions.

ELSIE

What distractions?

CONTROL

Do you see the crazy girl around here anywhere?

ELSIE

Oh, that can't be good.

Background noise of the engine room.

FRED

Okay, the manual says that in order to connect the DE to the ship's systems it has to be done at a specific time of day due to dimensional alignment. It's a little vague on the topic of disconnecting.

CINDY

Time of day? How can you tell the time of day? I mean, time is a constant. Well, at least I think it is. But what's interdimensional time? Is that like Central Standard Time on Earth? Does the universe have time zones? And how many hours are in a day?

JOHN

Okay, could you please step back a little? I need room to work here.

CINDY

But I just want to see what's going on. This is my first interdimensional ship. It's so exciting!

FRED

It would be even more exciting if he made a mistake and you found your body parts scattered across fourteen different dimensions. Perhaps a little personal space is not entirely unreasonable here.

CINDY

Could that even happen? I mean, be in fourteen different dimensions at once? How would that work? And what would I wear? I mean, do I have to buy different clothes for each body part? Is there an interdimensional clothing store? That would be fun. I've never been interdimensional shopping before. Do they take credit cards?

JOHN

(sighs)

Girls.

CINDY

What are those two pieces you're trying to connect? They don't look like they go together.

FRED

And where did you get your engineering degree?

CINDY

Well you don't need a degree for common sense and intuition. I mean, just look at those two. They clearly don't go together. Now these two pieces here were obviously designed to work with each other. Look, if I connect them like this...

JOHN

Wait, don't touch those together! That will make the...

Loud noises of unhappy equipment and sparks.