Episode 07

PREVIOUSLY

FRED

Okay, the manual says that in order to connect the DE to the ship's systems it has to be done at a specific time of day due to dimensional alignment. It's a little vague on the topic of disconnecting.

CINDY

Time of day? How can you tell the time of day? I mean, time is a constant. Well, at least I think it is. But what's interdimensional time? Is that like Central Standard Time on Earth? Does the universe have time zones? And how many hours are in a day?

JOHN

Okay, could you please step back a little? I need room to work here.

CINDY

But I just want to see what's going on. This is my first interdimensional ship. It's so exciting!

What are those two pieces you're trying to connect? They don't look like they go together.

FRED

And where did you get your engineering degree?

CINDY

Well you don't need a degree for common sense and intuition. I mean, just look at those two. They clearly don't go together. Now these two pieces here were obviously designed to work with each other. Look, if I connect them like this...

JOHN

Wait, don't touch those together! That will make the...

ENGINES ONLINE

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

Loud noises of unhappy equipment and sparks.

JOHN

You just connected the DE directly to the SDE! They're completely incompatible. We'll be lucky if it doesn't blow us into a gazillion pieces!

CINDY

The what? What's an SDE? I just connected the parts that looked like they should go together. And compatibility isn't everything. I thought Marty and I were compatible, but...

FRED

Now the power is jumping from system to system.

NAVIGATOR

What are you guys doing back there? I've completely lost navigational control!

CONTROL

Well, that would certainly explain why we're tumbling through space end over end.

ELSIE

Fred, do something! It sounds like this thing is going to explode!

FRED

I'm trying, but she just caused an automatic configuration process to kick in. The systems are basically rewiring themselves.

JOHN

So what button do I push?

FRED

The systems don't appear to be accepting input of any kind at the moment.

CINDY

That's probably because you don't have the input thingies connected, right? I mean, I don't know much about all this computer stuff, but I know you can't wiggle the cursor unless the mouse is plugged in. Maybe we just need to find the mouse. Is there an interdimensional mouse thingie? Does each dimension have its own kind of mouse? And are they afraid of cats?

FRED

I think it would be best if you just let John take care of the repairs.

JOHN

If you can make sense out of this gibberish the system is displaying. I got nothing.

NAVIGATOR

Okay, apparently the DE is engaging again. Hey, boss, doesn't this look a lot like that dimension where planets are alive and eat spaceships for breakfast?

ELSIE

I thought we blacklisted that one from our navigation charts after a moon tried to chew the tail off of our last ship. What are we doing here?

CONTROL

I'm sensing a distinct apathy on the part of the engines regarding any such blacklist. Pretty sure we're not the ones doing the driving here.

NAVIGATOR

Well I know I'm not in control. The system is completely ignoring me.

CONTROL

You mean like your last girlfriend?

ELSIE

Maybe now's not the best time...

NAVIGATOR

(loudly to the back)

Hey! Are you guys going to connect the right wires to calm this thing down, or should we just pull over and pop the hood?

FRED

If you think you can do any better at deciphering this mess...

CONTROL

Another dimensional bounce. Hey, look out! This is the one where the galaxies are the size of pebbles. You want one of those things caught in our intake ports?

NAVIGATOR

Maybe you'd like to drive?

ELSIE

(impatient and worried)

Fred?

FRED

Working on it. John, can you try connecting the...

CINDY

No, no, you're going about it all wrong. Those two aren't even color coordinated. I mean, think about it. Any civilization advanced enough to create this kind of technology would obviously have a little fashion sense, right? Those colors totally clash.

JOHN

Based on the geeks I've known, I don't think fashion is high on the list of priorities. And hey, step away from that! You don't know what you're doing!

CINDY

Well at least I'm smart enough to understand that harmony is an important part of any good relationship. And how can you have harmony when your colors clash? Incompatibility causes stress, and stress can make things freak out, right? So why should it be any different for an engine? Look, see, these colors are total meant to go together.

JOHN

Don't touch those together! Remember what happened the last time you did that?

FRED

What is she doing?

CINDY

Oh, relax! It's not that complicated. All you have to do is connect these...

JOHN

I think she's connecting the output of the DE to the...

CINDY

There. See?

The chaotic engine sounds subside and return to normal.

ELSIE

Fred, what's happening?

CONTROL

The spinning appears to have stopped.

NAVIGATOR

Navigation is back online.

ELSIE

Yeah, but where are we?

CONTROL

Would you like me to stick my head out the window and look?

NAVIGATOR

We're in the... no way. Seriously? We're exactly where we started. I mean exactly. See on the screen there? That's Earth. And we haven't deviated from our course even a little.

ELSIE

Maybe the DE likes it here.

CONTROL

Maybe we're just lucky.

NAVIGATOR

Oh, I think past experience can rule that one out.

(loudly to the back)

Hey, you guys okay back there? Great job!

FRED

Everything seems to have stabilized.

ELSIE

What did you do?

JOHN

Actually, it wasn't us.

CINDY

I just connected the parts that looked like they should go together. I don't see what the fuss is about. It's not like it was that hard to understand. I mean, it's just basic color theory. Don't they teach that in your dimension?

CONTROL

The crazy girl might actually be onto something. You know that there are a lot of dimensions that are controlled by color. But how does a marginally coherent human understand the complexities of interdimensional communications?

CINDY

If that's your way of saying thank you, I think your interdimensional communication skills could use a little work, too.

ELSIE

She has a point. She did just solve the problem.

FRED

Which she actually caused.

JOHN

In fairness, we did just accidentally zap her onto a spaceship.

ELSIE

Control, what's our status? Are the systems still screwed up? I don't want that DE kicking in and out when we're in the middle of something important. Like getting shot at.

CONTROL

Actually, the DE is both online and completely stable. So are most of the other systems.

ELSIE

Most?

CONTROL

Well, the transporter is fried and it looks like there's a glitch in the replicator system. Life support is fine, and both the DE and SDE are operational.

NAVIGATOR

Navigation is back to normal and most systems are responsive. But yeah, I can't talk to the transporter at all. And I wouldn't try replicating anything until we know what state that thing is in. You wouldn't want to ask for a cup of tea and have a hungry mountain lion materialize. That would be inconvenient. And probably spill the tea.

JOHN

The transporter is down? So you mean I'm stuck here?

CINDY

You mean we're stuck here? And if you wanted a spaceship, why didn't you just borrow one from NASA? I'm sure they have plenty to spare and wouldn't mind. They seem like nice people, what with all the exploration and everything. And where are we going, anyway? I don't even have my pajamas. And where am I supposed to sleep?

JOHN

At least this is a three bedroom house.

CINDY

In space.

JOHN

Yeah. I try not to think about that part.

ZINGA CALLS

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

Sound of call ringing.

CONTROL

Great. Of all the things that could have been broken, the voice communications seem to be working fine.

ELSIE

Well, who is it?

CONTROL

Who else?

ZINGA

L. C. I see you managed to make it out of there in one piece. No hard feelings, right? After all, I wouldn't be much use to you if I let myself get blasted to bits by that lunatic pirate hunter, would I?

NAVIGATOR

Except for the part where you took your shields with you and left us to get blasted to bits. Nice one, Zing.

ZINGA

Hey, these situations are always fluid, right? Sometimes a captain has to make quick decisions in the heat of the moment. You know how it is.

CONTROL

Oh, we know how it is alright.

ELSIE

You did kinda leave us hanging there, Zing. That's not very polite, you know.

ZINGA

I may have cut a few classes back in school when they were teaching the manners part. But if your crew is through whining about the occasional inequities of freelance commerce...

CONTROL

Whining?

ZINGA

...I thought we could get on with our business of getting you that new DE.

CINDY

But don't we already...

JOHN

(whispers)

Quiet!

ELSIE

Of course. So where is it that we're going, anyway? Is this an unarmed transport ship we're going after?

NAVIGATOR

Or a convoy protected by a fleet of IGP gunships, like the last time?

ZINGA

Hey, we pulled off the raid anyway, didn't we? And your ship only got shot up a little. The cost of doing business, right?

CONTROL

All for a cargo bay full of foot fungus treatment.

ZINGA

A win is a win, right?

ELSIE

So, what is it, Zing? Lone transport, fully armed convoy, storming an IGP fortress, what's the catch this time?

ZINGA

Catch? There's no catch. It's a simple transport with no weapons and no escort. It's just that, well...

ELSIE

Spit it out, Zing.

ZINGA

Okay, so you still talk to that Jimmeran fellow, right? Your local smuggler contact?

ELSIE

We keep in touch, sure.

ZINGA

Well, we'll need a little help from him to get to the ship. It's docked at Tanjaman Bay.

NAVIGATOR

Tanjaman Bay? That's the most notorious pirate hideout in this entire dimension. Just trying to find it would take a lifetime, not to mention the fireworks display we'd see when we show up to take one of their ships. Are you crazy?

CONTROL

If you're going to ask silly questions...

ZINGA

Nothing crazy about it. Your Jimmeran fellow is a smuggler. He'll not only know where it is, he can talk us in without a fight. Once we're in, we board the ship, snatch the engine, and jump out of there before they know what hit them. Easy peasy.

ELSIE

You have a lot of faith in Jimmy's ability to get us in and out.

ZINGA

Actually, it's more to do with the fact that he's your go to smuggler. I know you, L. You only work with the best. If Jimmeran is part of your crew, then he knows his stuff. Unless any of you have a better plan.

CINDY

But won't the pirates chase us after we leave? I mean, you said this was a pirate hideout, so that means there would be pirates, right? And don't pirates have guns? And if they have guns, won't they be shooting at us while they're chasing us? I really don't like shooting. I think it creates a lot of bad karma. And breaks things.

CONTROL

What's she doing here?

JOHN

I tried to keep her back in the engine room but she wouldn't listen. Something about me suppressing her constitutional rights, or oppressing her gender, or something like that.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, maybe you should all go back to the engine room while we work this out.

ELSIE

That's okay. She's a part of the crew now, so she has a right to know what's going on. I mean, that's only fair.

CINDY

A part of the crew. Does that mean I'm a pirate, too? I've never been a pirate before. Do we get to wear hats?

ZINGA

Anyway, that's the plan. Get Jimmeran to transmit the coordinates for Tanjaman Bay and we'll rendezvous just out of range there and coordinate our attack.

CINDY

Attack? So we'll be attacking them? Won't that make them want to shoot back? And if we run away, they'll just chase us and keep shooting, won't they?

ZINGA

Trust me, they won't be in any shape to chase us.

NAVIGATOR

So what, you're going to somehow disable every pirate ship in the bay?

ZINGA

Not necessary. Before we start, I'll simply lay a heavy mine field between them and our escape route. Once we pass I'll enable the mines and that'll put a stop to any, er, overly enthusiastic pursuit. So, are we agreed?

ELSIE

Sure, we can do that. We just have one small errand to run before we do.

ZINGA

And what's that?

ELSIE,

Clearly, we need shields. And I know just where to get some.

CINDY

Is this going to be more pirate stuff?

WE NEED SHIELDS

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

CINDY

So if you're all pirates but you don't have bodies, how do you, you know, do the pirate thing? I mean, I thought pirates fired cannons at other ships until they gave up and let the pirates take their stuff. But you don't have cannons, and even if you had cannons you don't have fingers to light the fuses with. So how can you make people give you stuff without cannons? Or fingers?

NAVIGATOR

You haven't heard the stories? Everyone's heard the stories. How could you not know the stories? We're the most famous pirate crew in the entire dimension!

CONTROL

And we don't really need fingers. We have interdimensional technology. Way better than fingers.

ELSIE

What they're trying to say is that we don't use the, er, typical approach when we need things. I still don't understand why people are so touchy about possessions in this dimension. Where we come from, you just take what you need and it's no big deal. You do that here and they tend to shoot at you.

CINDY

I really don't like shooting.

JOHN

I agree. I tend to be on Earth when all the shooting starts. Or at least, I used to.

ELSIE

I don't like getting shot at, either. Even so, that's no excuse for being impolite. So, we take what we need, but we make sure that no one gets hurt on our raids.

CINDY

How do you do that?

NAVIGATOR

We have a dimensional displacer. You can think of it as a DE that targets a specific part of their ship and then moves it to a different dimension. As it turns out, a transport ship whose engine suddenly disappears isn't very good at running away.

ELSIE

And that works with guns, too!

NAVIGATOR

Assuming we know where they all are.

CONTROL

Look, all I can do is scan the ships. If they have clever ways of blocking that, I can't be held accountable.

NAVIGATOR

That doesn't help much when we're suddenly getting blasted from a ship that wasn't supposed to have any guns left.

CONTROL

How was I supposed to know that they keep laser cannons in the bathroom? Who scans bathrooms?

ELSIE

Everybody makes mistakes sometimes. And we always figure it out, right?

NAVIGATOR

So far.

ELSIE

Anyway, after the ship is disabled and disarmed, we tell them to transport over what we want and we'll let them go. We even give them a push to the nearest space station so they can fix their ship. We get what we need, and nobody gets hurt. Win / win, right?

CONTROL

When it works.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, as long as the police don't show up and start making a mess of things. The targeting system on that dimensional displacer is a little slow to manage in the middle of a firefight.

CINDY

So what do you do then?

NAVIGATOR

Run away! What do you think we have a DE for? We just bounce into another dimension and those IGP guys think they're hallucinating.

ELSIE

As long as that pesky Joxawana Jo isn't around. She really takes the fun out of raiding.

NAVIGATOR

So where are we going to get some shields?

ELSIE

I know just the place.

FUNGUS TRACKER

INT. JOX'S SHIP – SPACE

Strange noises made by tracker.

TIMMY

Are you sure this thing works, ma'am? I mean, after all, he is a pirate. They're not the most trustworthy types.

JOX

He still needs help locating his long lost smuggler. He wouldn't be stupid enough to double cross me. At least not in such an obvious manner. It works, just keep trying.

TIMMY

I am, but these readings are all over the place. First she's in one dimension, then a few seconds later she's in a galaxy light years away in a different dimension. If this is supposed to track the foot fungus radiation, I just don't see how that's possible. Unless, you know, it's an interdimensional foot fungus treatment.

JOX

It's Ancillian foot fungus treatment. They're local to this dimension, so I doubt their feet bounce through multiple dimensions in their sleep. Although I have seen weirder things. You obviously don't have it calibrated right.

TIMMY

It's not like it came with a manual. In fact, the pirate on Zinga's ship who gave it to me mumbled something that I'm pretty sure translates to, "good luck with that."

JOX

So why didn't you ask him how it worked?

TIMMY

He was seventeen feet tall, green, covered in slime and looked hungry. Further conversation seemed unlikely to produce any results that didn't end with him needing a toothpick.

JOX

(sighs)

Listen, kid, if you're going to be an interdimensional cop, you're going to have to toughen up a little. You can't just run away with your tail tucked between your legs every time you see something strange.

TIMMY

So how would you have handled it? After all, I was still on Zinga's ship, and the crew didn't seem terribly enthusiastic about the badge I was wearing.

JOX

First tip is to lose the badge, or there won't be enough of you left to require a toothpick.

TIMMY

But isn't that against regulations? In the academy they told us...

JOX

Those stuffed shirts have never been in a firefight in their lives. I doubt they'd even recognize a Gonzun if they tripped over him. That's what your green slime ball was, by the way. Big, ugly, and not at all happy about you stepping on any of their feet. They have very sensitive toes, and with twenty feet it's a hard target to miss. One good stomp and they run for cover.

TIMMY

And the rest of the crew?

JOX

The badge doesn't get any respect out here, but showing that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done does. These are pirates. They respect results. Pick the biggest, ugliest one in the group and find his weakness, and the others will think twice before messing with you.

TIMMY

So, the regulations...

JOX

Are to be followed to their fullest extent. When you're standing in the middle of the station house. Out here, you do what you gotta do. And keep your mouth shut about it. Like, for instance, making a deal with a known pirate in order to track Cassini. Catch her, and nobody cares how you got the job done. Got it?

TIMMY

Got it. And this thing's still reading out nonsense. Maybe the readout is more accurate when we're in range of the radiation? Maybe?

JOX

That's not bad, kid. Set coordinates for Cassini's last known location and we'll start looking there.

TIMMY

And what about Zinga? He's waiting on us to help him with his smuggler.

JOX

What's he going to do, call the police?

TIMMY

Right.

MARTY ADRIFT

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

Noises of a hologram flickering in and out.

NAVIGATOR

Uh, boss? Are you seeing this?

MARTY

Hey? Where am I? Get me back on the damned ship!

ELSIE

Control, can you get a fix on him? Now that the DE is working, if you can find his dimension we can go get him.

CONTROL

If he would hold still. See how his image is flickering like that? He's bouncing through one dimension after another, tumbling around like a hamster in clothes dryer. I can't get a fix on him.

CINDY

Marty? Where are you? Are you coming home? Did you know there are all sorts of weird things going on in your house? And you're out of orange juice. Are you going to the store anytime soon?

NAVIGATOR

I've never seen anything like this before. I've bounced through multiple dimensions in a hurry, but I've never heard of leaving a hologram behind. This is pretty weird.

ELSIE

Marty! Can you hear us?

MARTY

Hey! Get me back in the ship!

CONTROL

I don't think he can hear us.

NAVIGATOR

And what's that large, hungry looking blob in the background? It seems to be following him through every jump!