Episode 08

NAVIGATOR

Uh, boss? Are you seeing this?

MARTY

Hey? Where am I? Get me back on the damned ship!

ELSIE

Control, can you get a fix on him? Now that the DE is working, if you can find his dimension we can go get him.

CONTROL

If he would hold still. See how his image is flickering like that? He's bouncing through one dimension after another, tumbling around like a hamster in clothes dryer. I can't get a fix on him.

CINDY

Marty? Where are you? Are you coming home? Did you know there are all sorts of weird things going on in your house? And you're out of orange juice. Are you going to the store anytime soon?

NAVIGATOR

I've never seen anything like this before. I've bounced through multiple dimensions in a hurry, but I've never heard of leaving a hologram behind. This is pretty weird.

ELSIE

Marty! Can you hear us?

MARTY

Hey! Get me back in the ship!

CONTROL

I don't think he can hear us.

NAVIGATOR

And what's that large, hungry looking blob in the background? It seems to be following him through every jump!

INTERDIMENSIONAL MARTY

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

ELSIE

That's not good. Isn't that an...

CONTROL

Orman Blob? Afraid so. They feed on the residue left behind from interdimensional jumps. That must be why it's chasing Marty.

CINDY

And what happens if it catches him?

NAVIGATOR

Nothing good.

CINDY

So we have to rescue him, right? I mean, you help people, don't you? Like, that's what you do when you're an interplanetary pir...

CONTROL

Wait for it.

CINDY

Pirate? You mean, pirates don't help people?

JOHN

Not in the traditional sense.

FRED

Besides, pirate or not, we can't help him if we don't even know where he is. He's moving faster than a cat with his tail on fire.

CINDY

Who sets cats on fire?

CONTROL

Well, if they're at the top of a California redwood and it's the dry season...

NAVIGATOR

Hey! I'll have you know it was the middle of spring!

ELSIE

I think what they're trying to say is that Marty's on his own.

CINDY

Well. Serves him right.

JOHN

That was fast.

NAVIGATOR

So hey, boss, about those shields. Got a plan?

ELSIE

I always have a plan.

CONTROL

This never ends well.

JIMMERAN GETS INTERROGATED

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

RFC DRUG DEALER

Drug dealer? I'm no drug dealer! That was perfectly legitimate medicine! Healing is all about feeling better, right? And Opiazine powder makes you feel great! That's what medicine does, right? Hey! Hey! Let go of me! Hey!

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

(beat)

Yes, ma'am. Yes ma'am. I understand. But you still can't sell your husband, even if his species is kept as pets in that galaxy. No ma'am, you can't do that either. Not unless you have food distribution license.

Intergalactic Police, please hold...

JIMMERAN

I'm just saying, you should really send some ships to Earth to see what those Slipper Tech guys are up to. Or, you know, you could just let Joxawana Jo handle it. After all, they're dealing in some kind of interdimensional technology, so that's her jurisdiction, right?

MERCON

We don't need the likes of detective Jo to do our job for us. If we find evidence of interdimensional tech, sure, we hand it over to the IDP. But I'm not about to bring them in on this until I know what we're dealing with.

JIMMERAN

Afraid of being upstaged?

MERCON

Afraid of looking like an idiot if your story doesn't check out.

JIMMERAN

(about to observe that he already does)

You know...

SHIELDS ACQUIRED

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

CINDY

What is wrong with you people? Are you crazy? Marty said I was crazy but I never really understood what he meant since I'm obviously not crazy, but I think you people are all crazy! I thought we were all going to die!

NAVIGATOR

Oh, calm down. It went fine.

CONTROL

About as fine as it ever does.

ELSIE

And we got the shields, right? That's what matters. As for that other little incident...

JOHN

Little? When we got to the coordinates half the ship was buried in the planet's surface!

FRED

Well you must admit, it made for a reasonably effective bit of camouflage.

CINDY

Camouflage? The back bedroom was twenty feet underground! That's where I'm supposed to sleep. I mean, at least I think that's where I'm supposed to sleep. John, did you call dibs on any rooms yet? I think maybe you'd like the back bedroom. Do you want the back bedroom?

JOHN

Pass, thanks.

CINDY

And what about the bathroom? I had to cross my legs and hold it until you were all through doing your pirate thing and we got the ship unstuck from the planet!

FRED

A minor tactical inconvenience.

JOHN

Says the guy who doesn't have to go to the bathroom in space.

ELSIE

I thought it went perfectly. You have to admit, even with that cargo ship on high alert they never would have thought to look for us on a planet.

JOHN

You mean in a planet.

ELSIE

Whatever. It worked, didn't it?

CONTROL

Right up to the point where our navigator pulled us out of the planet only to merge the kitchen with their cargo bay.

NAVIGATOR

Well that certainly made it more convenient. One stop shopping! John was even able to gather some supplies. What with the replicator being out of whack, it's good to have a little extra on hand.

JOHN

You expect us to eat that stuff? I'm not even sure what shade of green to call that.

CINDY

Actually, it's a cross between cyan and light...

ELSIE

So John, can you and Fred get those shields installed while we're on our way to the asteroid?

FRED

If the systems remain relatively stable. After all, the DE is still behaving badly. Why do you think we got stuck in a planet in the first place?

ELSIE

Half a planet.

CONTROL

Or the cargo bay of a transport ship.

JOHN

Who's driving this thing anyway?

NAVIGATOR

Hey, not my fault. You're the engine guy.

CONTROL

So we're totally screwed then, right?

ELSIE

I think they're doing just fine. And we need those shields installed quickly. We're supposed to meet Zinga and Jimmy at Chon Chon's asteroid. And you know what sort of people hang out in that orbit.

CONTROL

I still think trusting Zinga is a bad idea.

ELSIE

Who said anything about trust?

CINDY

And why are we even going to the trouble? You said this is all about getting a DE? I mean stealing a DE. I'm still getting used to this whole pirate thing. But that's the interdimensional drive thingy, right? And don't we already have an interdimensional thingy? Because if we do, then why do we need a new one? Especially if there's going to be shooting. I really don't like the shooting.

CONTROL

Assuming for the moment that you're capable of processing a coherent thought, would you prefer that Zinga G had it? If he causes this much trouble in one dimension, imagine if he could go anywhere.

CINDY

Okay, but...

NAVIGATOR

But what? That guy's almost as much of a lunatic as Joxawana Jo. And besides, she thinks we have the only DE in this dimension, so we'll get blamed for everything he does. And that's not fair.

ELSIE

You're certainly right about that. She's been chasing us for so long I think we should claim her as a dependent on our tax returns.

JOHN

Pirates don't file tax returns.

ELSIE

Whatever.

(beat)

In any event, the last thing I want is to let him get his hands on a DE. Not to mention the fact that as flaky as ours has been it would be good to have a spare.

CONTROL

You do know that he's planning on keeping it for himself, right?

ELSIE

Of course!

CONTROL

Then why would you go along with his plan?

ELSIE

He's not the only one who can play pirate, you know.

JOHN

Meaning?

ELSIE

Let's just say that things might not go his way.

CONTROL

That's a little vague.

ELSIE

It's a woman's prerogative to be vague.

NAVIGATOR

Setting course for Chon Chon's.

(not serious)

This will be fun.

FUNGUS TRACKING

INT. JOX'S SHIP – SPACE

JOX

We're getting nowhere with that thing. Are you sure you have the fungus tracker configured correctly?

TIMMY

The only thing I'm sure of is that we're getting nowhere with this thing. The readings don't make any sense at all to me, and the user interface looks like something designed by Chinzi philosophers while they were in their hibernation state.

JOX

The Chinzi aren't that coherent when they're awake.

TIMMY

This is what I'm saying.

JOX

Have you tried whacking it on the side?

TIMMY

That really works?

JOX

No. It just makes you feel better.

TIMMY

In that case I'm going to need something pretty large to whack it with.

JOX

Enough of this nonsense. We'll deal with that thing later. Punch in the new coordinates. We don't have much time left to get there.

ASTEROID RENDEZVOUS

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

NAVIGATOR

Coming up on Chon Chon's asteroid now, boss. Standard orbit?

CONTROL

The shape of the asteroid looks like what happens when a giant peanut collides with the back end of an Argonian mule. I'm looking forward to you applying the term, "standard."

NAVIGATOR

You just keep the hardware happy. I know how to drive this thing.

JOHN

I sure hope you do. I don't have any desire to get stuck in the middle of a giant peanut.

CINDY

Or the back end of a mule. Ew. And what's an Argonian? Is it a type of mule? Like how sheep have different breeds? So it's a breed of mule? I didn't even know mules had breeds. Do you think you could make sweaters out of one?

CONTROL

Incoming call from a pirate captain of dubious reputational characteristics.

ELSIE

Hi, Zing.

ZINGA

L. C. I see you made it without any new bumps or bruises. Did you get those shields you were looking for?

CONTROL

Eventually. Installing them was another story.

FRED

We got the job done, didn't we? I'd like to see you translate a manual from that misguided mistake of a language.

JOHN

Or configure it. Last time I checked, you were a little short on fingers.

ELSIE

But they work, right?

FRED

Sure.

JOHN

Hopefully.

NAVIGATOR

This sounds promising. Hey boss, I vote that we just avoid the whole shooting thing.

CINDY

I second the motion. No more shooting. Shooting is bad for you. In fact, my doctor said that all forms of violence were bad for me because it could make me break out in black and blue spots. I don't think I'd look good in black and blue. It's not my colors. I'm more of a winter.

ZINGA

Well, I can't guarantee there will be no shooting, of course, but hey, if your smuggler does his job right maybe we'll get lucky, right?

NAVIGATOR

First time for everything.

JOHN

That's discouraging.

ZINGA

Speaking of which, where is this Jimmeran fellow anyway? He's late.

FRED

Because smugglers are known for their punctuality?

ELSIE

He'll be here.

NAVIGATOR

Actually, isn't that his ship over there? Near the main entry port to Chon Chon's?

ZINGA

We're sitting here waiting and he's in a bar having a drink? Why didn't I think of that?

CONTROL

Incoming voice message.

JIMMERAN

So hey, guys. How's it going? I see the gang's all here.

ELSIE

Hi, Jimmy. So did Zinga fill you in on the plan?

JIMMERAN

He did, indeed. Not loving the whole idea of raiding a ship in the middle of the most notorious pirate bay in this dimension, but I've survived worse.

ZINGA

If you're as good as you say you are it should be a walk in the park. What's the problem?

JIMMERAN

You do want to get out of Tanjaman Bay alive, right? Because if not, there's really no problem at all.

ZINGA

I thought you said you could lead us there and talk your way in.

JIMMERAN

My way. I said I could talk my way in. Everyone knows me. But bringing in three ships is going to get people's attention. And they tend to be rather uncreative in how they express their attention.

JOHN

More laser cannons?

NAVIGATOR

At least they won't be in a bathroom.

CINDY

More shooting? From lasers? In the bathroom? Is that because the bathroom got stuck in that other ship? Why are there cannons in bathrooms? Are they really bad places here? Like the bathrooms in those rock bars my first boyfriend used to take me to? They didn't have lasers, but I'm pretty sure I heard cannons.

ZINGA

Does she have an off switch?

CONTROL

That's what I wanted to know.

JIMMERAN

Look, I can get us to Tanjaman Bay. And I know some of the guys guarding one of the ports, so I can get us in, too. But we need to be quick and quiet when we grab the DE off of that transport, or overly assertive bathrooms will be the least of our problems.

NAVIGATOR

Coordinates received.

ZINGA

Same here. Okay, is everyone ready to jump?

JIMMERAN GETS INTERROGATED 2

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

(beat)

No sir, I don't want to buy a Ventaxian vaporizer cannon. No sir. No, it doesn't matter that it's in mint condition. No sir, I don't care how good the price is. Sir, you do realize that this is a police station, right? What's that? Why yes, we do trace all calls that come into the main switchboar... Hello? Hello?

(sighs)

Telemarketers.

Intergalactic Police, please hold...

MERCON

Never mind the Slipper Tech people, I've got real pirates to deal with. You want to tell me what you were doing at Tanjaman Bay with Zinga G?

JIMMERAN

Tanjaman Bay? No way, detective Mann. That's a dangerous place. I'd never go there. I mean, you know, even if I could find it. Everyone knows that Tanjaman Bay is the most well-hidden pirate bay there is. And who told you that I was there, anyway?

MERCON

I have my sources.

JIMMERAN

Sources that tell you about pirates are usually about as trustworthy as pirates. Clearly you're getting bad information. I was nowhere near the place. I just happened to be in the neighborhood. You see...

DE RAID

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

NAVIGATOR

Okay, coming out of the jump. Look alive, everyone. This is a Bad Place.

CONTROL

Your grasp of the obvious exceeds my expectations.

ELSIE

Navigator, how many ships are there?

NAVIGATOR

I assume you mean how many things are there that could shoot at us, right?

ELSIE

In a manner of speaking.

NAVIGATOR

Well, if you count the smugglers, the pirates, the military warships, the cannons on the fortifications and, you know, the occasional bathroom, I'd say a lot.

CONTROL

Incoming call. It's Jimmy.

JIMMERAN

Hey, guys. How's it going? Glad to see you're all here. Don't mind all the scary gunships, that's just the normal clientele. It's not a problem. Everyone just stay cool.

ZINGA

I've always been cool.

CONTROL

Oh, brother.

ELSIE

John, are you sure those shields will hold?

JOHN

I'm not even sure how to begin not answering that question. I think the switch is in the on position. For anything beyond that, I suggest you read the manual.

NAVIGATOR

You've been spending far too much time with Fred.

FRED

Maybe so, but he's not wrong. I'm not sure who designed this system, but the best I can tell you is a highly qualified, "it depends."

ELSIE

Depends on what?

FRED

On what they're shooting at us with.

JOHN

I'm thinking guns of some kind.

NAVIGATOR

If history is any indication.

JIMMERAN

No worries, I've got this. I just got through talking to my friend at the port, and we're cleared to enter. Er, I'd take it nice and slow if I were you. They're a bit jumpy around here.

ZINGA

I can't believe that it's taken me this long to be invited into Tanjaman Bay. Don't these people know who I am?

JIMMARAN

Well, "invited" might be a strong word. Let's just say they're currently not inclined to waste ammunition on you.

(beat)

Probably because they think you're a supply convoy from the local liquor distributor.

CONTROL

Now we're errand boys?

NAVIGATOR

You'd rather us be targets?

CONTROL

Fair point.

JIMMERAN

Okay, now there's the ship that has the DE. See it?

NAVIGATOR

Yep, got it.

ZINGA

Just remember how this works.

JIMMERAN

Now, if we come up on the blind side...

JOX

(intrusive hailing)

Lumenautica Cassini, you're under arrest. Power down and prepared to be boarded!

ELSIE

Jox? Where did she come from?

NAVIGATOR

She's going to try to arrest us in the middle of a port full of pirates? Is she crazy?

CONTROL

Are you going to keep asking obvious questions or get us out of here?

ELSIE

We're not going anywhere until we have that DE!

JOX

(intrusive hailing)

Lumenautica Cassini, you're under arrest! Give it up. You can't get away this time. You know I brought backup.

ELSIE

No you didn't.

JOX

Did too.

ELSIE

Did not.

JOX

Did too.

ELSIE

Well if your backup is a bay full of pirates who hate the police then I guess you're pretty well armed.

JOX

I don't care about this local riff raff as long as they stay in their dimension. But you're coming with me.

TIMMY

(background)

Uh, Jox? This foot fungus thing is starting to make a lot of weird noises.

JOX

Who cares? We found her, and that's all that matters. I told you if we followed Zinga we'd learn something useful. These pirates always stick together.

ELSIE

You led her here?

ZINGA

Don't you worry about her. We're here for the DE.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, I don't want to put a damper on things, but Jox is powering up every weapon she's got.

CONTROL

She really needs to get a hobby.

NAVIGATOR

I think the cargo ship's spotted us. It just warped out of here at high speed.

CONTROL

So what? All we have to do is follow its radiation trail.

ELSIE

With that lunatic Jox shooting at us all the way?

ZINGA

Oh, don't you worry about her.

(over his shoulder)

Okay, boys. Activate the engine jammer now!

ELSIE

Engine jammer?

ZINGA

Just a little present I gave her. Of course, she may think that it's an Ancillian foot fungus tracker. In any event, she's not going anywhere. Now, everyone after that ship!

JOX STRANDED

INT. JOX'S SHIP - SPACE

TIMMY

Uh, Jox? The engines just went offline. And the fungus tracker appears to have powered off as well.

JOX

Offline? Are you kidding me? Get them back on?

TIMMY

And now navigation is going offline. I can't even see where we are.

JOX

Do the sensors at least still work?

TIMMY

Uh, yeah.

JOX

Then what do you see, dammit!

TIMMY

I see fifty IGP cruisers popping up all around us. And pirate ships scattering everywhere. And gunfire. Lots of gunfire.

JOX

Are they shooting at us? If so they're really bad at it.

TIMMY

No, ma'am. We've lost so much power I don't think we even show up on their scopes. Wait, something's coming in on the IGP frequency...

MERCON

Joxawana Jo. I see you've managed to capture all the pirates in Tanjaman Bay. Well done.

JOX

Shove it up your exhaust port.

(beat)

JOX

And how did you even find this place? Tanjaman Bay is supposed to be a secret.

MERCON

You're not from around here, are you? Everyone knows where the pirate bay is, but most cops aren't stupid enough to go knocking on the front door. Which means I knew I'd find you here.

JOX

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

MERCON

So do you need a lift, or is your partner just going to get out and push?

TRAITOR

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

ELSIE

Navigator, how close are we to catching that transport?

NAVIGATOR

It'll only be a minute. You know, for a smuggler that's a pretty sorry excuse for a ship. I've seen Ganjaman slugs that move faster. Yep, we're on him.

ELSIE

Okay, lock onto his engines and hit the dimensional transporter!

CONTROL

Done. His engines are now at the bottom of a lake of liquid methane on a planet about three dimensions from here. I hope we didn't inconvenience the local aquatic wildlife.

JIMMERAN

Yeah, he's dead in the water. Okay, guys. Give me just a minute while I hop on and grab the DE.

JOHN

You can uninstall a dimensional engine that fast?

CONTROL

Not his first rodeo.

NAVIGATOR

Yep, he's on the transport now. Still reading the power signature of the DE.

JOHN

So he hasn't shut it off yet?

FRED

The power source of a dimensional engine is never off, just the engine itself.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, you could power a planet with one of those things.

FRED

If the planet didn't melt first. It's a good thing Jimmeran knows how to work with DEs. They're touchy at best.

JOHN

No kidding.

NAVIGATOR

Okay, still reading the power signature, but no more output from the engine. It's offline. He should be transporting over here any minute now, so... Hey!

ELSIE

What?

NAVIGATOR

He transported, but not to here. He's on Zinga's ship!

JOHN

What the hell?

CONTROL

This is what happens when you trust pirates.

CINDY

But you're all pirates!

NAVIGATOR

Some pirates are more pirate-y than others. Hey! Zinga! What gives?

ZINGA

Well, there's been a slight change of plans. I do apologize for the inconvenience.

NAVIGATOR

Now Jimmy's transported back to his own ship. What's the heck is going on here?

CONTROL

Call coming in from the traitor formerly known as Jimmeran.

JIMMERAN

Hey, guys. Yeah, sorry about that, but he offered me a better deal so I kinda had to take it. Smuggler's ethics and all that, you know.

JOHN

You call that ethics?

ZINGA

Ethics are a relative kind of thing.

JIMMERAN

Okay, Zinga. Nice doing business with you. Gotta run!

(beat)

Wait, what's with the engines?

ZINGA

Oh, just a little parting gift. Couldn't have you following me, you know. I had the boys disable your engines while you were on the transport. Looks like I'm the only one who will be going anywhere today.

ELSIE

Well there's certainly nothing wrong with our engines, so you're not getting away that...

CONTROL

Engines offline.

ELSIE

What?

JOHN

How the hell did he manage that? They didn't come near our ship?

FRED

Single and multiple dimension engines are a little more complicated than that.

JOHN

Meaning what?

FRED

Turning a wrench isn't the only way to throw a wrench into the works.

ELSIE

You mean we're stranded?

ZINGA

It would appear so. Gotta run. Hugs and kisses. Oh, and give my love to the intergalactic police. They should be here any minute. Ta ta!

NAVIGATOR

He just warped out of here. And he wasn't kidding. I see a whole lotta IGP cruisers headed straight for us.

ELSIE

Fred, John, what are you waiting for? Get us out of here!