Episode 09

PREVIOUSLY

ELSIE

Well there's certainly nothing wrong with our engines, so you're not getting away that...

CONTROL

Engines offline.

ELSIE

What?

JOHN

How the hell did he manage that? They didn't come near our ship?

FRED

Single and multiple dimension engines are a little more complicated than that.

JOHN

Meaning what?

FRED

Turning a wrench isn't the only way to throw a wrench into the works.

ELSIE

You mean we're stranded?

ZINGA

It would appear so. Gotta run. Hugs and kisses. Oh, and give my love to the intergalactic police. They should be here any minute. Ta ta!

NAVIGATOR

He just warped out of here. And he wasn't kidding. I see a whole lotta IGP cruisers headed straight for us.

ELSIE

Fred, John, what are you waiting for? Get us out of here!

ELSIE STRANDED

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

JOHN

Get us out of here? Using what? Do you want me to stick some paddles out the window and start rowing? Both engines are completely shut down! Fred, what do your readings say?

FRED

It looks like the SDE's diagnostic system is trying to read me a bedtime story. Not only did they give our systems a virus, apparently it's one with a sense of humor.

ELSIE

A bedtime story? Really?

NAVIGATOR

So how does it end? Do the good guys win?

FRED

You people clearly never read many fables as children.

ELSIE

You mean fables are bad?

JOHN

I remember witches roasting children in ovens so yeah, I'm gonna go with bad.

CONTROL

So you're saying that our engines aren't going to have a happy ending?

FRED

I'm saying they've already reached the ending, and they're not too happy about it. I can't make any sense at all out of this mess.

ELSIE

Well at least the rest of the systems are still working. Navigator, are those IGP ships getting any closer to us?

NAVIGATOR

They seem more concerned with fighting off all the pirate ships. They're pouring out of that asteroid from every nook and cranny that you can hide a ship in.

CINDY

You can hide a pirate ship in nooks and crannies? I thought they were small. I mean, I've never actually seen a nook before, or even a cranny, but I always thought they were something small enough to fit inside a house. I mean, how can they be big enough to hide a pirate ship? But this is a house. And it's a pirate ship. Does that mean we have nooks and crannies, too?

JOHN

Oh for the love of...

CONTROL

Yeah, those IGP guys must feel like they kicked a hornet's nest. There must be three hundred pirate ships out there. I don't know why the IGP cruisers don't make a run for it.

NAVIGATOR

And can you believe it? Hundreds of pirate ships out there and apparently they're just ignoring Jox. Look, her ship is way over there, and there's not a pirate anywhere near her.

CONTROL

It might have something to do with the fact that she's not shooting at anyone. Gunfire usually puts you at the top of someone's "things to do list," but she's just sitting there.

NAVIGATOR

You mean drifting there. She's dead in the water.

ELSIE

Just like us! Listen, it's not that I don't enjoy a lively party, but I think sticking around here is a decidedly bad idea. Can't you do anything with those engines?

JOHN

I could try whacking them with a stick. It's about the only thing I haven't tried yet. We're not going anywhere.

NAVIGATOR

Well at least there's some justice in the universe.

ELSIE

What do you mean?

NAVIGATOR

Look. See? That IGP cruiser is boarding Jimmy's ship. I guess we know where he'll be spending the next fifteen to twenty years.

CONTROL

Serves him right. Traitor.

NAVIGATOR

And someone's finally noticed Jox. Sadly, it's an IGP cruiser and not a pirate... no, wait, that's not a cruiser. That's a tow ship. Hey, no fair! How come she gets a lift and we're stuck here?

CONTROL

Another tow ship just grabbed Jimmy's ship and took off. The cruiser that boarded him just warped out of here as well.

NAVIGATOR

Yeah, same with Jox's tow ship. And look. IGP cruisers are disappearing all over the place. I guess they've had enough fun for one day.

ELSIE

So now what? We're just stuck here?

CINDY

Did you at least fix the bathrooms?

JIMMERAN GETS INTERROGATED

INT. INTERGALACTIC POLICE STATION - DAY

The background is an indistinct rumble of noise and the occasional people proclaiming their innocence.

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold.

RMC JAYWALKER

Jaywalking? Are you kidding me? Jaywalking? I'm being arrested for crossing the street the wrong way? Okay, okay, so maybe I stole that mechanized walker assault vehicle from the local army base, but jaywalking? No way! I waited until the light was green before I crossed. You can check your traffic cameras. Hey! Let go of me! Hey! Hey!

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

(beat)

Industrial Vending Company? Yes, I've been waiting for you to return my call. What do you mean not covered under warranty? That snack machine wasn't a machine, it was alive. How do I know? It ate our desk sergeant! Oh. Oh, I see. Okay. Well, I still think your catalog should make a better distinction between snack machines and snacking machines. And we'll be taking our business elsewhere. Intergalactic Police, please hold...

MERCON

And that brings us back to the present. All of your stories still don't explain why we just caught you at a known pirate hangout with a shipload of stolen and illegal cargo. Give it up, Albi. We've got you cold this time.

JIMMERAN

Okay, I'll admit, some of the cargo on my ship might not adhere to the strictest interpretation of free commerce...

MERCON

No kidding.

JIMMERAN

And it's true that I've been a bit careless with some of my paperwork...

MERCON

Actually, I thought the forgeries were some of the best I've ever seen.

JIMMERAN

Thanks, Merc. Nice to be appreciated. But listen, I think I know how this can work out to everyone's advantage.

MERCON

Meaning you want to cut a deal, right?

JIMMERAN

(dryly)

I'm a merchant. Dealing is what I do.

MERCON

Fair enough. Let's hear it. After nearly getting my tail fins shot off at Tanjaman Bay I could use a little entertainment.

JIMMERAN

Exactly. I mean, that's really the point, isn't it? Why, exactly, were you there in the first place? You certainly wouldn't risk your neck for an insignificant player like me. You were there for Zinga G, right?

MERCON

And he got away. Again. But we got you, so at least it's not a total loss.

JIMMERAN

Wasn't this raid your idea to begin with? And you lost how many IGP cruisers in that little fiasco? Yeah, your boss is going to be really impressed that you went to that much trouble and all you have to show for it is a small time smuggler. Er, I mean, cargo merchant. Face it, Merc. You need Zinga or you're going to be demoted to an intergalactic traffic cop.

MERCON

(sighs)

You're not wrong.

JIMMERAN

Hey, don't look so glum, Merc. I've got just what you need.

MERCON

And what's that?

JIMMERAN

I know where Zinga's going, when he'll get there and what he's up to in the first place. I set you up to catch him, you get out of this mess without losing your pension, and I get a free pass. I think that's a pretty fair trade, don't you?

MERCON

It's not that I don't trust you, Albi, but earlier today you and Zinga were in the middle of some pretty shady business that probably would have made you a boatload of money if we hadn't shown up.

JIMMERAN

True enough.

MERCON

So what, you're going to turn on your partner just like that? Call me a skeptic, but that's a little hard to believe. You pirates may be dishonest, but you're not stupid. Rat out one of your own and no one's going to do business with you ever again.

JIMMERAN

I think you have a slightly idealistic vision of the pirate trade. The only thing those guys care about is money. They're not too particular about the details, let alone someone's character references. I'll be fine. Besides, there's one thing you haven't considered.

MERCON

And what's that?

JIMMERAN

Why do you think you caught me in the first place? That no good Zinga sabotaged my engines. Sure, if we can talk off the record for a minute, yeah, we were doing business. And yeah, it was going to be highly profitable. But instead of paying me, he disables my engines, leaves me to be arrested, and then skips out of the galaxy what the goods that I brought him in the first place. Turn on him? I'll serve him to you on a silver platter.

MERCON

And what were you bringing him, anyway? Off the record.

JIMMERAN

A dimensional engine. And believe me, I went to a fair amount of trouble to get it in the first place.

MERCON

Yeah, that matches up with what we've heard. Okay, Albi. I know you're being straight with me, so sure. You hand me Zinga and get me out of this mess, and I may accidentally misplace the paperwork on your arrest. Deal?

JIMMERAN

Deal.

MERCON

So what's he up to?

JIMMERAN

Honestly, have you not been paying attention this entire time? He's headed to Earth to find the Slipper Tech people. I told you they were up to no good.

MERCON

I'm listening.

Background noise of the police station.

IGP OPERATOR

Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic Police, please hold. Intergalactic...

(beat)

Tri-Galaxy Towing? Yes, sir. You can just leave it in the main parking lot. No, sir, no need to take it to the impound area in this case. Yes, sir, I understand you charge the same either way. And sir? I'm not sure if you've heard of Joxawana Jo, but I encourage you to avoid scratching the paint. The artistic paint job on the left side? No sir. That's not paint. It's what's left of the last person who dinged her ship.

(loudly)

Hey, Merc! Jox's ship will be in the parking lot in five!

(back to normal)

Intergalactic Police, please hold...

MERCON

(loudly)

Thanks, Trina.

(back to normal)

And where did Jox get off to, anyway? I haven't seen her since we got back.

JIMMERAN

Beats me. She's usually in a bad enough mood as it is. Having to be towed by the IGP probably didn't improve her disposition.

MERCON

Yeah, no kidding. So you were saying?

JIMMERAN

It's like I've been telling you all along. Those Slipper Tech people are up to some pretty shifty stuff. And that's why Zinga's looking for them. They're his next raid.

MERCON

What do they have that an intergalactic pirate would be interested enough in to go into a no fly zone for? No one's allowed to go into that solar system until the humans are more developed. They're still too primitive to know about the rest of the galaxies.

JIMMERAN

Right, because pirates are such sticklers for the rules, right? Zinga doesn't care about no fly zones. Besides, now he has a DE, so he doesn't even have to risk it. He'll just hover at those coordinates in a dimension where there is no Earth. Then he'll bounce in, do the raid, and bounce back out of the dimension before anyone knows what happened. Sure, there will be a few humans who report that they saw a UFO that magically disappeared. That always goes over well with the authorities.

MERCON

You still haven't told me what's so important to him. I mean, Earth is just some backwater planet that can barely fly rockets.

JIMMERAN

Honestly, I'm not sure those Slipper Tech people are from around here.

MERCON

You mean interdimensional?

JIMMERAN

It's the only explanation I can think of for what he's after.

MERCON

And what's that?

JIMMERAN

A time machine.

Mercon enjoys a hearty laugh. Composing himself, he continues.

MERCON

Ah, Albi, you always tell the best stories. A time machine? Seriously? That's the best one I've heard in ages. Even schoolchildren know there's no such thing as time travel. Zinga's no fool. He's the most notorious pirate in the twelve latitudes. Why would he believe such nonsense?

JIMMERAN

Because I convinced him that it was true.

MERCON

And he bought it?

JIMMERAN

Not at first, no. But listen, I worked for these Slipper Tech guys. I saw it myself. This is no joke.

MERCON

You can't be serious.

JIMMERAN

Dead serious. I'll tell you the same thing I told Zinga. We were stealing an interdimensional engine. Is it really that much harder to believe in time travel?

MERCON

They're not even close to the same thing.

JIMMERAN

True enough. But I'm sure people said the same thing about the difference between intergalactic drives and interdimensional ones.

MERCON

Well, the ones who know about them, anyway. Information about other dimensions is strictly classified. Unless you're a pirate, I suppose.

JIMMERAN

Look, Merc, I'm not yanking your chain here. I'm no scientist, so I can't tell you how it works, but trust me. There's an actual, working time travel device on Earth. And the most notorious pirate around is going to get his hands on it unless you stop him. He's already got a DE, so he can bounce through dimensions. Imagine the trouble he'd cause if he could do the same thing with time.

MERCON

As hard as all of this is to believe, at least you're right about that part. If there really is a time machine, he's the last person we'd want to have it.

JIMMERAN

He's planning on hitting them tomorrow. I can give you the coordinates and the time he'll be there. But you'll have to catch him by surprise or he'll be gone the moment he sees you.

MERCON

And how do you suggest we do that? It's not like we can have a fleet of IGP cruisers orbiting Earth. That would certainly cause some excitement with the locals.

JIMMERAN

Well, I might just be able to help you with that. If you keep your end of the deal, that is. No charges on this bust, right?

MERCON

Right.

JIMMERAN

Okay, well, you've heard of interdimensional engines. What about interdimensional cloaking?

MERCON

Heard about it, but never been around any ship that had that tech.

JIMMERAN

You impounded my ship, right?

MERCON

Of course.

JIMMERAN

Punch in the codes to release the docking clamps.

MERCON

I never said anything about giving you your ship back.

JIMMERAN

You thought maybe I'd just stick out my thumb and hitchhike home? Punch in the codes, or no deal.

MERCON

Fine, give me a moment.

(beat)

Okay, done. What does this have to do with cloaking?

JIMMERAN

Hang on, let me send you the coordinates.

(beat)

Okay. Be at those coordinates at that time. I'll be waiting. And trust me, no one will see either of us.

MERCON

You have a cloak?

JIMMERAN

Only if we're off the record.

MERCON

You never cease to impress, Albi. How many cruisers can you hide?

JIMMERAN

How many can you bring?

MERCON

Perfect. Okay, you've got yourself a deal. And I'll deny this if you tell anyone, but, you know...

(beat)

Thanks.

JIMMERAN

Hey, we may be on the opposite side of things, but we go way back, Merc. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be going.

MERCON

Hang on, I'll get the door.

JIMMERAN

(clearly pleased with himself)

No need. Subcutaneous interdimensional transporter. Had it all along.

MERCON

Subcutaneous...

JIMMERAN

Embedded under the skin in my forearm. Comes in handy at times like these. Gotta run!

SFX as he zaps out of the room.

MERCON

(sighs)

Pirates.

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

INT. ZINGA'S SHIP - SPACE

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 1)

ZINGA

What was that?

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 2)

ZINGA

Don't give me that nonsense. I need this ship in top condition before tomorrow's raid. I'm leaving nothing to chance this time.

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 3)

ZINGA

And careful with that thing! Interdimensional engines are very tricky business. Don't try to install it or even turn it on. We need to take it to a specialist who has experience with these things. Just make sure our engines and weapons are ready to go.

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 4)

ZINGA

Yes, a time machine.

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 5)

ZINGA

No, my mother did not drop me on the head as a small child. Everyone says time travel is impossible, but no one in this galaxy believes in other dimensions, either. Well, except for the IGP, but that's only because they talk to the interdimensional police. I say the universe is a magical thing. If there are multiple dimensions then I see no reason why there can't be time travel as well.

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 6)

ZINGA

Maybe so, but at least I have a mother. Doesn't your species marinate in a fungus or something like that?

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 7)

ZINGA

Incubate. My mistake.

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 8)

ZINGA

You got that right. You're about to be the richest fungus in the history of the twelve latitudes. Just think of it! I already have a DE. Once I can travel through time, there's nothing that can stop me. I'll be rich! I'll be immortal! I'll be the most famous pirate of all time! And if I'm not, I can bloody well go back and rewrite the history books. Now get those guns and engines ready to go!

ZINGA CREW

{alien noises 9)

ZINGA

That's what you always say.

DEAD IN THE WATER

INT. LIVING ROOM – SPACE

CINDY

So how long are we going to stay here? Can't we call a tow truck or something? I mean, those other ships got towed, so why can't we get towed? I mean, I guess the fact that we're in a three bedroom house would make it harder to hook up, but they have attachments for that, right? Or maybe one of those pirate ships out there could give us a push. My old boyfriend used to have a car that we had to push to get started. Does that work with spaceships? Or houses? How do you pop the clutch on a house?

JOHN

I don't know about all the other stuff she just said, but she's got a point about the pirate ships. We've been sitting here for hours. Maybe we could get some help.

CONTROL

Are you unfamiliar with what pirates do to defenseless ships that are just drifting in space, or did they not teach you that in monkey mechanic school?

JOHN

Okay, if you're so smart, then why haven't any of them attacked us?

NAVIGATOR

Because they know who we are.

JOHN

Who are we?

NAVIGATOR

He hasn't heard the stories? Honestly, why hasn't anyone heard the stories? Lumenatica Cassini runs the most well-known...

CONTROL

You mean notorious.

NAVIGATOR

Right, the most notorious pirate crew in the twelve latitudes. No ship in their right mind is going to attack us.

CINDY

Then why don't they help us?

CONTROL

Well they're still pirates, after all. They may be afraid of us, but that doesn't mean they're going to turn into humanitarians and try to do good deeds. Just be happy no one's shooting at us. Because I'm not entirely sure our shields are in a good mood.

ELSIE

Now our shields are down? What next?

CONTROL

Oh, they're up, but the way this day is going I wouldn't put much faith in anything, if you know what I mean.

ELSIE

Well, Cindy's right about one thing. We can't just sit here. Anyone have any ideas on how to get this thing moving again?

FRED

I'm still working on it, but I'm not encouraged by what I'm seeing. I can't decide whether I'm looking at a software virus in the engine systems or if it just became a sentient being and went crazy all at the same time.

CINDY

Crazy's not so bad. Marty always said that I'm crazy, but even if I am crazy, and for the record I'm almost positive that I'm not, being crazy hasn't been a problem for me, so how bad can it be for an engine? Do engines really go crazy?

FRED

Thank you for illustrating so clearly the current state of our engines.

CONTROL

That bad, huh?

FRED

Seriously, I'm trying every trick I know, but no matter what I fix, a new problem crops up somewhere else. And the end result is always the same. We have no engines.

CINDY

What about the DE thingy? That's an engine, right? Can't we just turn that one on?

JOHN

I've seen pocket calculators that have more memory capacity than you. Do you remember what happens every time that thing turns on? I'm not sure just sitting here is such a bad thing in comparison.

FRED

Well, based on the state of the engines, I honestly don't think things could get any worse.

JOX

(intrusive hailing)

Lumenautica Cassini...

CONTROL

You just had to say it, didn't you?

ELSIE

Are you kidding me? They just towed her ship off a few hours ago! How did she get it fixed so quickly? Why can't we do repairs that fast?

NAVIGATOR

Uh, boss? I don't think this is really the best time for analyzing our damage control process.

ELSIE

Control, what about those shields? Will they hold if she starts shooting?

CONTROL

I'd love it if we didn't have to find out.

ELSIE

Fred, what about holographic projection? Is there any way you can trick her into thinking we disappeared?

FRED

That virus got into a lot of our systems. I wouldn't count on it.

NAVIGATOR

Why's everyone so excited about this? Just fire up the dimensional transporter, send her engines and weapons into the middle of a nearby star and that'll be that. What's the big deal? We've done this trick a million times.

CONTROL

Despite your multitude of shortcomings, you do have your moments.

NAVIGATOR

Why do you think I'm the first officer of this boat? Somebody's gotta keep a cool head in a crisis.

ELSIE

Great thinking, Navigator. Okay, Control, do it!

CONTROL

What the...

JOHN

Uh, guys...

ELSIE

Honestly! Now what?

FRED

I'm seeing it to. Or should I say, not seeing it.

ELSIE

What are you all talking about?

CONTROL

Our interdimensional transporter is... gone.

ELSIE

Gone?

CONTROL

Missing. Absent without leave. Evolved to a higher plane of existence. Call it whatever you want, but it's simply not here.

JOHN

How could our transporter just vanish?

NAVIGATOR

Not vanished. Stolen.

FRED

You mean Jimmy? That's not terribly surprising, I suppose. He did steal the DE that we were trying to steal.

ELSIE

So how are we supposed to...

JOX

(beat)

Lumenautica Cassini. Power down and prepare to be boarded!